Where would the new you go?

[can_ash_be_redeemed]

Suppose you wake up tomorrow, pack a bag with a blanket, some necessities, a wallet, and just leave. You can go anywhere that you can make it to. Would you drive until you ran out of gas and pick a new town? Buy a plane ticket? Board a ship as a shiphand or even try your luck as a stowaway? I want help putting together a backup plan. If I ever were to CTB, I want it to be a third strike and I'm out situation. I'll try hospitalizing first and CTB third. This kind of escape - letting "this" me die and starting over before I have anyone to depend on me fully feels like a good way to say my goodbyes and try to start over somewhere far from my trauma and my triggers and live a life of my own choosing. Advice of all kinds is appreciated - but I'm interested in what you would do and where you would go.

 

[vapauttaa]

There's a sub on Reddit, r/vagabond - a nice community, I learn a lot about train travel there.

For me, if I could wake up tomorrow and be in Tulum, Mexico or any island in French Polynesia, I would sigh and sink into the sand there. To feel the ocean again.

All this said, I feel so tired and so much sadness, I realize my day is not far off. The landlord gave me notice I'm on the chopping block rent wise. Even if I can work it out with him, I don't really want to. Thankfully I have what I need to end my life.

 

[motel rooms]

It's good to get as far away as possible from the people who make your life miserable & the places you hate, but you can't outrun trauma simply by moving town, much less by becoming a drifter. Yes, I know that's a boring truism.

"A whole new you?
It's too good to be true"

I think it's counterproductive to fantasize it's possible to ever be 100% cured of serious trauma. All you can do is try to learn to live with it/manage it.

 

[can_ash_be_redeemed]

There's a sub on Reddit, r/vagabond - a nice community, I learn a lot about train travel there.

For me, if I could wake up tomorrow and be in Tulum, Mexico or any island in French Polynesia, I would sigh and sink into the sand there. To feel the ocean again.

All this said, I feel so tired and so much sadness, I realize my day is not far off. The landlord gave me notice I'm on the chopping block rent wise. Even if I can work it out with him, I don't really want to. Thankfully I have what I need to end my life.

That is a brilliant subreddit - thank you for sharing it with me. How far are you from an ocean? It may help you settle any regrets to visit it again. I wish you peace and comfort.

It's good to get as far away as possible from the people who make your life miserable & the places you hate, but you can't outrun trauma simply by moving town, much less by becoming a drifter. Yes, I know that's a boring truism.

"A whole new you?
It's too good to be true"

I think it's counterproductive to fantasize it's possible to ever be 100% cured of serious trauma. All you can do is try to learn to live with it/manage it.

I think the romance of the adventure of it all would be more helpful for me than collecting pieces of driftwood to help me weather storms. Maybe not long term, but how am I supposed to find somewhere where I can learn to be happy if I never even look?

 

[motel rooms]

I think the romance of the adventure of it all would be more helpful for me than collecting pieces of driftwood to help me weather storms. Maybe not long term, but how am I supposed to find somewhere where I can learn to be happy if I never even look?

When a traumatized person embarks on an adventure, their ship usually turns into pieces of driftwood fairly quickly. But don't listen to me, I'm only 40 & I've had C-PTSD for three misadventure-filled decades. This is clichéd as fuck , but you can't run away from yourself & the only "somewhere you can learn to be happy" is your head. Are you diagnosed with anything?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

It's good to get as far away as possible from the people who make your life miserable & the places you hate, but you can't outrun trauma simply by moving town, much less by becoming a drifter. Yes, I know that's a boring truism.

"A whole new you?
It's too good to be true"

I think it's counterproductive to fantasize it's possible to ever be 100% cured of serious trauma. All you can do is try to learn to live with it/manage it.

This is what I was going to say. I have lived in several different states and areas in the U.S. and you're right. Wherever you go, your problems will follow you. Oh, sure, at first the novelty of new people and a new locale will possibly distract you enough from your issues to lull you into a false sense of happiness and security, but sooner or later they WILL come creeping back into your life and you'll be in the same position as before. Just in unfamiliar territory which is actually kinda worse.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I hate travelling, would not go far.

 

[motel rooms]

Just in unfamiliar territory which is actually kinda worse.

This. Real life is not a Hollywood adventure movie. Unless you have money or you're very resourceful & resilient, "adventures" will eat you the fuck alive. Oooh, I'm gonna be like van Gogh & roam the French countryside painting golden fields & starry nights. Bitch, his brother worked his ass off supporting his talented, but severely messed-up ass financially all his life.

 

[can_ash_be_redeemed]

When a traumatized person embarks on an adventure, their ship usually turns into pieces of driftwood fairly quickly. But don't listen to me, I'm only 40 & I've had C-PTSD for three misadventure-filled decades. This is clichéd as fuck , but you can't run away from yourself & the only "somewhere you can learn to be happy" is your head. Are you diagnosed with anything?

Kinda sorta? Never has a doctor looked me in the eye and said "I diagnose you with depression and ADHD" but I have family history of depression and ADHD, both of which I'm on prescribed meds for. My therapist would vouch at least for the depression. Still trying to think of in what vague terms I'm going to mention this group to her in. She and I have a fun game of "suicidality cat and mouse." She knows that I have some level of support and want to be institutionalized once before actually going through with it though, so she isn't that concerned for my safety.

 

[callme]

I'd like to visit the underground man. Spiteful bastard he is

 

[can_ash_be_redeemed]

This. Real life is not a Hollywood adventure movie. Unless you have money or you're very resourceful & resilient, "adventures" will eat you the fuck alive. Oooh, I'm gonna be like van Gogh & roam the French countryside painting golden fields & starry nights. Bitch, his brother worked his ass off supporting his talented, but severely messed-up ass financially all his life.

But if I don't intend to live long anyways, what's the harm of going full vagabond hobo and seeing where the road takes me. This isn't my "how to spend a weekend" plan, it's my plan B where plan C is more accurately plan CTB.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

But if I don't intend to live long anyways, what's the harm of going full vagabond hobo and seeing where the road takes me. This isn't my "how to spend a weekend" plan, it's my plan B where plan C is more accurately plan CTB.

Because, and this is purely my opinion, if you want to die, why make the experience more stressful? I personally would want to die in a place familiar and comforting to me because frankly? Dying is fucking scary. I have first hand experience with people I truly care for dying and let me tell ya, it isn't always an easy thing. Oftentimes it is quite unpleasant and terrifying. A big advantage CTB has is you get to CHOOSE where you want to part this mortal coil, so why not make it someplace mentally relaxing? Hell, it might even help to make the process more acceptable and therefore easier to see through. Again,this is just my opinion. You may or may not agree with it.

 

[can_ash_be_redeemed]

Because, and this is purely my opinion, if you want to die, why make the experience more stressful? I personally would want to die in a place familiar and comforting to me because frankly? Dying is fucking scary. I have first hand experience with people I truly care for dying and let me tell ya, it isn't always an easy thing. Oftentimes it is quite unpleasant and terrifying. A big advantage CTB has is you get to CHOOSE where you want to part this mortal coil, so why not make it someplace mentally relaxing? Hell, it might even help to make the process more acceptable and therefore easier to see through. Again,this is just my opinion. You may or may not agree with it.

I understand where you're coming from. I think, for me at least, CTB alone is the one way that I would least like to die. If I had a partner, that's one thing, but dying cold and alone has always haunted me. Some people say that we all die alone, but even if the experience is mine alone, I would rather do it with another living creature holding my hand and being witness to my departure. Maybe I'm psychotic, but the idea of going out with a bang is really the way I would feel the most ownership. I would most prefer an early terminal diagnosis, but barring that, I think that leaving after I've left my home town would be the best for me. If I decide it isn't working, then I can figure out a way I'm comfortable to CTB. If it stops working out by getting myself killed? At least I was doing what I wanted to right up until I died. That came out more "non servium" than I meant it to, but I think you should get my point.

 

[eternalpeace]

Well, if I had MY wallet, I don't think I'd be getting very far, lol. Also, I dont have enough money to set myself up, and am currently unable to work for health reasons. Even if that were not the case, or if I decided to just ignore medical advice and work anyway, I have no marketable skills and haven't worked in two and a half years. Because of my chronic absences due to illness when I was working, I don't have even have any references. (Well, maybe one, but usually they ask for three…)

One thing I have fantasized about doing is going abroad to teach English (that was before I had to stop working). I wanted to go to Siberia, because it's cold (I hate heat), and no one would think to look for me there. But even if I were able to do the job, and could afford to set myself up, and pay all my medical expenses, I don't think they hire people in their late 30s to do those kinds of jobs…they are more for young people taking a break between undergrad and grad school/professional degrees/whatever the next step is.

I now realize I've answered a whimsical question with a lot of pessimism about why I can't do anything. Truthfully I'm better off where I am so that I can save money. But if I could disappear absolutely anywhere and money was no object, I think I would go back to Vancouver Island and live there. Or maybe Ireland. I don't understand a word they say, but the photos I've seen are beautiful, and I've heard it rains a lot there, and I love the rain!

 

[Sherri]

Alaska, sell my house and my car and move into the middle of a white cosy Alaskan town. Like Juneau.

 

[can_ash_be_redeemed]

Well, if I had MY wallet, I don't think I'd be getting very far, lol. Also, I dont have enough money to set myself up, and am currently unable to work for health reasons. Even if that were not the case, or if I decided to just ignore medical advice and work anyway, I have no marketable skills and haven't worked in two and a half years. Because of my chronic absences due to illness when I was working, I don't have even have any references. (Well, maybe one, but usually they ask for three…)

One thing I have fantasized about doing is going abroad to teach English (that was before I had to stop working). I wanted to go to Siberia, because it's cold (I hate heat), and no one would think to look for me there. But even if I were able to do the job, and could afford to set myself up, and pay all my medical expenses, I don't think they hire people in their late 30s to do those kinds of jobs…they are more for young people taking a break between undergrad and grad school/professional degrees/whatever the next step is.

I now realize I've answered a whimsical question with a lot of pessimism about why I can't do anything. Truthfully I'm better off where I am so that I can save money. But if I could disappear absolutely anywhere and money was no object, I think I would go back to Vancouver Island and live there. Or maybe Ireland. I don't understand a word they say, but the photos I've seen are beautiful, and I've heard it rains a lot there, and I love the rain!

Nice to meet you peace. EP? Up to you. I welcome your pessimism, haha. If that's your honesty, then I appreciate it. It sounds like we enjoy all the same weather though. I work the night shift where I am and the rain tonight has been wonderful. Pouring rain, thunder, the dark? What more could I ask for from a peaceful environment, haha.

Alaska, sell my house and my car and move into the middle of a white cosy Alaskan town. Like Juneau.

Now that's a plan. I've thought about going north. Alaska would be convenient in some ways since I have citizenship, but part of me would love to do Canada or Greenland or something. I don't know - I think that once I hit my breaking point that my goals and willingness to keep going forward would be absurd. Don't want to leave once your travel visa expires? Then I don't. They arrest me? That's fine. I've never been arrested before. Not like my permanent record will matter for long.

 

[eternalpeace]

It's good to get as far away as possible from the people who make your life miserable & the places you hate, but you can't outrun trauma simply by moving town, much less by becoming a drifter. Yes, I know that's a boring truism.

"A whole new you?
It's too good to be true"

I think it's counterproductive to fantasize it's possible to ever be 100% cured of serious trauma. All you can do is try to learn to live with it/manage it.

That's true. I think it was the Dali Lama who first said "wherever you go, there you are". I have lived in six different cities in the last ten years. One west-coast metropolitan city. One East Coast metropolitan city. One Western (ish) city that really felt more like a collection of suburbs plus a very sketchy downtown. One small prairie town with a population of 10,000. One small city of 80,000 with a surprising combination of "redneck" culture, and a thriving arts scene. Finally, one town of 6000 people in the Arctic. (I think that time I was trying to get as far away from myself as possible. It didn't work. Myself followed me, that b****).

Each "fresh start" was promising, and there were great things and not-so-great things about each city. But every single time, my demons (clinical, spiritual, and otherwise) caught up with me and everything fell apart.

I do think fresh starts are good, and they are ALWAYS worth trying if you are thinking of CTB. Even if it doesn't work out, at least you had a little adventure. But, I agree, depending on what the problem is (especially trauma), it likely won't magically evaporate just because you change your location. I do really like your idea though, and I think you should do it, just try to manage your expectations. I do know people who have made a geographical move and it drastically Improved their life. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[nopointofliving]

I'd pack up my bags and go to Varanasi-India, they burn dead bodies on Ganga's bank there. I would look around for few days, and prepare for my death ceremony... Then, I'll kill myself, they will burn my body ...I'm gone ...I'm gone ...go neee forever. Peaceeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[eternalpeace]

Nice to meet you peace. EP? Up to you. I welcome your pessimism, haha. If that's your honesty, then I appreciate it. It sounds like we enjoy all the same weather though. I work the night shift where I am and the rain tonight has been wonderful. Pouring rain, thunder, the dark? What more could I ask for from a peaceful environment, haha.

Sure, we can go with EP. I rarely ever meet anyone else who likes rain! Usually people just think I'm nuts. (I probably am, but not for that reason!). I once caused a rift with an acquaintance who often gave me a ride to work. One day it was raining, and I said "oh I'll walk today, since the weather is so nice". She thought I was saying that I would rather get soaking wet than be in a car with her. I tried to explain that I love Walking in the rain, but I don't think she believed me because she never spoke to me much after that…definitely didn't offer any more rides!

 

[motel rooms]

I'd pack up my bags and go to Varanasi-India, they burn dead bodies on Ganga's bank there. I would look around for few days, and prepare for my death ceremony... Then, I'll kill myself, they will burn my body ...I'm gone ...I'm gone ...go neee forever. Peaceeeeeeeeeeeee

You can ctb by having a sip of "water" from the Ganges.

 

[can_ash_be_redeemed]

Sure, we can go with EP. I rarely ever meet anyone else who likes rain! Usually people just think I'm nuts. (I probably am, but not for that reason!). I once caused a rift with an acquaintance who often gave me a ride to work. One day it was raining, and I said "oh I'll walk today, since the weather is so nice". She thought I was saying that I would rather get soaking wet than be in a car with her. I tried to explain that I love Walking in the rain, but I don't think she believed me because she never spoke to me much after that…definitely didn't offer any more rides!

This thread has had me seriously considering changing my plans from putting down roots as a new nurse next year in a new town and instead working with a travel nurse agency and bouncing every 3 months for a while. It's a good way to save money as well.

 

[motel rooms]

Kinda sorta? Never has a doctor looked me in the eye and said "I diagnose you with depression and ADHD" but I have family history of depression and ADHD, both of which I'm on prescribed meds for.

Hmmm... Don't people who suffer from ADHD have trouble controlling impulsive behaviors/often do things without thinking about the consequences of their actions? At least nursing is a solid profession.

 

[callme]

I'd pack up my bags and go to Varanasi-India, they burn dead bodies on Ganga's bank there. I would look around for few days, and prepare for my death ceremony... Then, I'll kill myself, they will burn my body ...I'm gone ...I'm gone ...go neee forever. Peaceeeeeeeeeeeee

If this doesn't happen, douse yourself in Salvador Dali Pour Homme, it smells like indian rivers, fuenral pyre, sweat and Dracula.

This. Real life is not a Hollywood adventure movie. Unless you have money or you're very resourceful & resilient, "adventures" will eat you the fuck alive. Oooh, I'm gonna be like van Gogh & roam the French countryside painting golden fields & starry nights. Bitch, his brother worked his ass off supporting his talented, but severely messed-up ass financially all his life.

Ah, *sigh* Champs Elysees and Piazza della Rotonda. Nah, more like the corner of Bedlam and squalor.

Van Gogh in Paris? More like his later clone, Fyodor Dostoevsky, in the deep dark depths of Siberia, alone in the izba (изба), near the russkaya pech (русская печь), drinking chai (чай), brewed using a samovar (самовар). Maybe skinning a medved (медведь) to make a thick shuba (шуба), otherwise you don't make it through the winter.

In all seriousness, van G (the original G) and Dostoevsky are so much alike, epsecially financial status. They are the same person in different times. Except Dostoevsky wouldn't cut his ear off for arguing with a friend.

I always wanted a quality reproduction of the Starry Night, but wouldn't it be too kitsch, snob and neuveau-riche?


And btw, how's the husband doing? Are you both alright in there?

 

[Mixo]

If money were no issue and I had my health, I would leave everything, get a little cabin in Iceland, and build a little homestead and a home recording studio. That and a summer home in Thailand.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

No matter where I go, I wouldn't be able to run from myself aka the one person who's responsible for ruining my life the most.

 

[motel rooms]

And btw, how's the husband doing? Are you both alright in there?

We're fine. We're patient with each other.

 

[Judah]

"A whole new you?
It's too good to be true"

That's why i would go to north korea

 

[Sherri]

Alaska, Ketchikan, a small village only accessible by boat. Small cosy and far from society.

 

[little helpers]

Suppose you wake up tomorrow, pack a bag with a blanket, some necessities, a wallet, and just leave. You can go anywhere that you can make it to. Would you drive until you ran out of gas and pick a new town? Buy a plane ticket? Board a ship as a shiphand or even try your luck as a stowaway? I want help putting together a backup plan. If I ever were to CTB, I want it to be a third strike and I'm out situation. I'll try hospitalizing first and CTB third. This kind of escape - letting "this" me die and starting over before I have anyone to depend on me fully feels like a good way to say my goodbyes and try to start over somewhere far from my trauma and my triggers and live a life of my own choosing. Advice of all kinds is appreciated - but I'm interested in what you would do and where you would go.

dude. last year I was nearly gon do that so I know exactly what to pack: two shirts, pair of jeans, a windbreaker, some warm clothes. socks and underwear are a must. wear the sturdiest shoes you have. take your phone, charger, forget about debit card, withdraw cash, and take your driver's liscence or passport (IMO passport is better, if you have one). obligatory: toilet paper.

and the twist is, I then chose having shelter over running off to the streets. promise you it's a bad idea.

 

[callme]

dude. last year I was nearly gon do that so I know exactly what to pack: two shirts, pair of jeans, a windbreaker, some warm clothes. socks and underwear are a must. wear the sturdiest shoes you have. take your phone, charger, forget about debit card, withdraw cash, and take your driver's liscence or passport (IMO passport is better, if you have one). obligatory: toilet paper.

and the twist is, I then chose having shelter over running off to the streets. promise you it's a bad idea.

Plus, your vaccination certificate, PCR test, bribe money if you don't have both, scrub test, mask and visa. Only if the country you're going to is not quarantined.