Help where to go - problem

[Life_and_Death]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/where-to-go.68118/

ok so i thought about it and if i change my mind i always have a couple hours to delete it. also it would be appreciated if you could be careful how you word things. this kind of topic really isnt for me.

long story short for those that dont know. i was having problems with my husband. i wrote him a note. i showed it to my therapist and then i showed it to him. one of the things on the note was about me wanting to be celibate and another thing on it was about me hanging out with my friend.

well ever since i showed him the note (aside from today- since i made that first post, which i might go into a little bit at the end.....*) anyway ever since ive showed him he's been really touchy. like what did you not understand about idk if 'i want' or if I WANT to? i want to do stuff because i emotionally want to not physically, i hate it. and hes been all touchy which doesnt help at all and him saying i like it only fucking makes it worse. im trying to rationalize with myself that maybe he's just trying to replace what i want to take a break on but doing that really really isnt helping. and then part of me wonders if its not some stupid man thing where i want to hang out with my friend like "look see im better then him" NO! not even fucking close. he wouldnt be touching me. all youre doing is driving me to him. and i have no idea what to do or what to think. all i know is how i feel and i dont like it.

edit: i also feel that i should add that i feel horrible about not having.........considering hes my husband. which then spirals into a hes my husband thing i should be but why should i be if i dont want to and the entire situation makes me want to cry. he really doesnt understand. "id rather be single" "no you wouldnt" "I WOULDNT WANT TO BE CRYING OVER SEX RIGHT NOW IF I WAS FUCKING SINGLE! YES I DO!" stop fucking thinking you know me holy fuck!

*i swear hes in my fucking head or something. shit like that always happens. i dont say a single word to him and he'll do something or say something in reference to something i said here or something thats in my head and it freaks me the fuck out i swear he's watching me. (see what i mean when i say im insane. i feel crazy no way is that true how the fuck would he get in my head, only ive known about this touching thing until i click post thread, but yet still i believe it because just too much adds up.)
edit: and then he wonders why i dont want to talk to him. i dont trust you plus i like to get my head straight before dealing with the problem and sometimes that involves another's opinion.

edit: that really didnt help. he either isnt in my head or is just trying to make me think that. (my own sanity at the very least, is why i should be single. this is fucking stupid)

 

[MYStERY_Man]

What did the therapist say?

You know I'm not really into relationships stuff, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Some months ago, my dad decided to get a bit too touchy and pushy for my taste. My clear repulse wasn't enough to make him stop, so I eventually snapped and gave him an ultimatum: he could either stop right that moment or I'd cut off contact, and I didn't really care if that would cost me the job, the support, or the inheritance he promised. It kinda worked.

If you don't want to he touched, he should respect your personal space, as a body autonomy thing. If you desire to like it, but can't, you don't need the touch itself, but something else, right? Emotional support, comforting words, company...

Now, whether he should accept to stay in the marriage if it doesn't live to his expectations... that's an entirely different matter. I'd say: maybe not. But I'd look at it under a different light. If you find happiness is such a way that it is intolerable for him, that means you're both not a good fit for each other, so you'd be better of finding your own respective peace somewhere else.

As to him being in your head, I think it's just natural after living together for a long time. You pick up some vibes and can make educated guesses (not always, though).

 

[Life_and_Death]

What did the therapist say?

she didnt have anything to say. she has to be "nonbiased" as long as im not killing myself lmfao

 

[Life_and_Death]

As to him being in your head, I think it's just natural after living together for a long time. You pick up some vibes and can make educated guesses (not always, though).

considering i have capgras syndrome (which thankfully has seemed to gotten a lot better) i figure its something along those lines mixed in with trust issues.

as for all your other advice....yeah i know.....
its difficult to believe im not better off single with the problems i have..

 

[PartlyHuman]

Have you tried to be really, really clear with him? Like "I feel *insert* when you do *insert* because it makes me feel *insert*. Regarding it, I'd like you to *insert*". Like, in a very simple and logical way. Sometimes other people can't understand our feelings but can understand logic. If I learnt anything in relationships it's that you need to be vocal about things you don't like in order to fix them. Yeah it can be hard thing to do, maybe you can write another note to him? It'll be easier than talking.
What I really think, is that you should distant yourself for some time, calm down, analyze everything and then act. And make sure you both are informed about what's happening and why. If he's a decent person, he'll understand.
Hugs to you and sorry if I misunderstood sth in the post, not very good with English. Wish you well!

 

[Life_and_Death]

sorry if I misunderstood sth in the post, not very good with English. Wish you well

Actually you did really good

Have you tried to be really, really clear with him?

Not yet thats kind of what this thread is about

i like to get my head straight before dealing with the problem and sometimes that involves another's opinion.

This whole situation is just difficult. I mean theres normal and then theres what basically amounts to 'i 'feel' like youre molesting me' because what else would unwanted touching be? And thats a difficult one to talk about because you dont want to undermine the problem but you dont want them feeling like shit either. Which honestly is part of the reason i want to be celibate, so i dont have to deal with the extra confusion and problems this brings.

 

[PartlyHuman]

Actually you did really good


Not yet thats kind of what this thread is about

This whole situation is just difficult. I mean theres normal and then theres what basically amounts to 'i 'feel' like youre molesting me' because what else would unwanted touching be? And thats a difficult one to talk about because you dont want to undermine the problem but you dont want them feeling like shit either. Which honestly is part of the reason i want to be celibate, so i dont have to deal with the extra confusion and problems this brings.

Well, what you feel is real and it's not going away therefore it's something you both just have to deal with. Is it his fault? Nah, I guess, I mean if you feel bad from touching because of some previous experience before him. Is it your fault? Nope too, traumatic experience certainly isn't something you can willingly get. Do you have to deal with it together? Yup, since you're together. What you can really do, is to get you both fully informed. It's not really good to blame person for something there is possibility they just don't know or don't understand. Just feeling guilty won't help at all too, so tell him what you feel and why and what you need/want him to do. Emphasize it's not his fault (if it isn't) so you don't start unnecessary argues, argues and yelling aren't productive too.
It's okay to establish your borders, it doesn't mean you don't love him or anything. It just means "I don't feel comfortable doing this". If he's ready to deal with it or you can find a compromise then it's great. If nope, well then it's a time to think about if these relationships are worth it.

 

[UterEntonaur]

one of the things on the note was about me wanting to be celibate and another thing on it was about me hanging out with my friend.

I'm assuming the two are totally unrelated, and you have no intensions of sleeping with your friend, but does your husband understand this?

Sometimes people add 2 and 2 together and get a pineapple

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm assuming the two are totally unrelated, and you have no intensions of sleeping with your friend, but does your husband understand this?

Sometimes people add 2 and 2 together and get a pineapple

One would have thought it was obvious expecially considering i have a history with abuse and now have truama because of it the biggest reason for wanting to be celibate....so youd really really think it would be obvious but i can see how not.

 

[Life_and_Death]

It occurs to me. What if he becomes scared to do anything?

 

[PartlyHuman]

It occurs to me. What if he becomes scared to do anything?

Hey, hope you're doing okay!
If I were you I'd firstly try, there is no guarantee he'll get scared so... not sure there is a point to stress over it? If he does, then you both deal with it too and figure out if you're willing to take it this way or not. I know it's hard, relationships are hard in general and I truly hope it'll be okay. Sending mental hugs! Good luck and remember that your feelings are valid and matter and establishing borders isn't a crime at all.

 

[Life_and_Death]

establishing borders isn't a crime at all.

I wish i was told that growing up. It would have saved a lot of trouble