Where in your Timeline did it all go wrong?

[hemonpath]

Assuming you're not suicidal because of a philosophical or logical reason (e.g I've done that needed to be done so no need to exist e.t.c) where in your life did something go wrong? Was it bad luck or self-inflicted?

I know for a fact it was a time during my early teenage years when my brothers were finally leaving me behind and making their own friends, then started treating me like shit. It helped foster a great personality of basically being a pussy in my high school and college years.

I don't blame them anymore but I tracked down a lot of quirks and traumas that is easily explained by that time in life.

Or maybe I'm wrong and it's just my entire existence where things went wrong.

 

[Retched]

My horrific timeline unfolded for me after I stopped drinking (I didn't drink that much) but it obviously was covering up some things that I had been hiding from myself. Fast forward to 2018 when I stopped taking medications and didn't taper and it messed me up further than I can explain. I'm currently in PTSD mode remembering every step along the way and I don't think that I will be able to last much longer knowing I did what I did when I did it. From messing up relationships to really good employment opportunities, I see it all still and want to punch my old self in the face until I bleed nonstop because of how I acted last year. And I don't want to see the rest of this year play out because I have no idea how to dig myself out of the mess I created.

 

[wanttodie]

the day i was born

 

[Kellogg's]

bad luck, other people, God

 

[Hopeless_soul]

Childhood.

 

[dysfunctional]

For me it was quitting my life long medical marijuana practice for a job that didn't work out. This was after quite a few years of struggle to get my career in order. The thing was, I had another job available which I quickly realized I should have taken. I know this doesn't sound that bad, but I fell into a super deep depression leading to a bunch of destructive behaviors. Now I feel like I'm stuck down here forever. This all happened late spring 2018.

 

[dysfunctional]

My horrific timeline unfolded for me after I stopped drinking (I didn't drink that much) but it obviously was covering up some things that I had been hiding from myself. Fast forward to 2018 when I stopped taking medications and didn't taper and it messed me up further than I can explain. I'm currently in PTSD mode remembering every step along the way and I don't think that I will be able to last much longer knowing I did what I did when I did it. From messing up relationships to really good employment opportunities, I see it all still and want to punch my old self in the face until I bleed nonstop because of how I acted last year. And I don't want to see the rest of this year play out because I have no idea how to dig myself out of the mess I created.

I can relate

 

[Xerxes]

When I didn't carry out my suicide plan when I was 17, and instead did a call for help....

 

[sif]

Do you think that people with a "philosophical or logical reason" normally start off with an emotional reason that leads them to develop those views?

 

[hemonpath]

Do you think that people with a "philosophical or logical reason" normally start off with an emotional reason that leads them to develop those views?

Answer before my wall-o-text: No. I think that they honestly live their lives and find out - without any great trauma or the like - that they don't need to live and look into suicide. Of course, it will always be a bit emotional of a decision, but there are a couple of examples of such people who go through with such logically enough to make sure their families don't suffer and that their children don't end up in a bad way. Their death is purely just a matter of them leaving the world, and not some sort of protest or a decision made out of despair.



----


Full disclosure: I wish that people could choose to end their lives without any emotion taking part: Personally I always fill annoyed at how much I want my death to mean something to other people. In my weakest pettier moments I fantascize about how many people would express their condolences or come to my funeral, but what I truly hope for is that it should be normal to decide to die. Ideally birth itself should be a choice.

I feel there are cases where people can legit logically choose to end their lives

. Easy decision: You are old and are having regular complications and decide not to be medicinally treated. Or you are in chronic pain such that you really aren't living anymore but floating between moments of clarity between agony. Even legally you have more acceptance.

Medium to-make decision you are terminally sick. It's not a painful condition but frustrating and difficult. Or it's a cosmetic disability that makes social life much harder than normal.

Hard - being objectively better off than others, being very religious or having too much tangible responsibility to choose to die.


That's how I think of things. And I'm probably wrong because I don't know much of feeling suicidal other than purely emotional reasons, but that's what floats around in my head.

 

[hemonpath]

My horrific timeline unfolded for me after I stopped drinking (I didn't drink that much) but it obviously was covering up some things that I had been hiding from myself. Fast forward to 2018 when I stopped taking medications and didn't taper and it messed me up further than I can explain. I'm currently in PTSD mode remembering every step along the way and I don't think that I will be able to last much longer knowing I did what I did when I did it. From messing up relationships to really good employment opportunities, I see it all still and want to punch my old self in the face until I bleed nonstop because of how I acted last year. And I don't want to see the rest of this year play out because I have no idea how to dig myself out of the mess I created.

Well. In athe truest sense of the words: That sucks.

I'm not even sure you'll be able to commit to a decision (whether ctb/getting better) without experiencing the shitty year that is before you. For that I am sorry.

Take comfort in the knowledge that in the end you WILL make a decision and it will be yours. You have control of your life, even if an avalanche falls on you.

 

[Retched]

Well. In athe truest sense of the words: That sucks.

I'm not even sure you'll be able to commit to a decision (whether ctb/getting better) without experiencing the shitty year that is before you. For that I am sorry.

Take comfort in the knowledge that in the end you WILL make a decision and it will be yours. You have control of your life, even if an avalanche falls on you.

Thank you. :)

 

[Vaa]

Literally the day I was born. I was born with Aspergers (High functioning form of autism) as if that wasn't enough, I was born fatherless in one of the worst families, I also have hydrocephalus. I'm basically a biological mess.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

The day I was conceived into a family of sociopaths and spent the next 18 years of my life being their punching bag. Both emotional and physical. With an atrocious start in life like that I didn't stand a chance in hell of ever having a normal life. I'm a shell of the person I could have been.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Wrong by birth, not smart enough to be suicidal about it until 19. Now 36 and every worst fear of living this long confirmed plus more.

Big waste. Cowardice keeps me alive.

 

[hemonpath]

Literally the day I was born. I was born with Aspergers (High functioning form of autism) as if that's wasn't enough, I was born fatherless in one of the worst families, I also have hydrocephalus. I'm basically a biological mess.

What is hydrocephalus?

 

[hemonpath]

The day I was conceived into a family of sociopaths and spent the next 18 years of my life being their punching bag. Both emotional and physical. With an atrocious start in life like that I didn't stand a chance in hell of ever having a normal life. I'm a shell of the person I could have been.

That is just fucked. Sorry.

 

[couragetodie]

I was just thinking about this the other day and thanks for bringing it up. Although I only get pieces of the past from my godawful parents, I understand that my rage-a-holic father literally abused me before I was even born (apparently he tried to kill me by pushing my mother off the bed when I was in the 3rd trimester: this led to my being born with deformed legs and a very bad "birthmark" on the center of my spine. I believe I have suffered from a melancholy that most would call "depression" my whole life due to this. That my father wanted (and attempted) to kill me before birth had an impact on my psyche that prevented me from ever really enjoying life. This sounds like whiny bullshit but I think it's true. Trust me, I hate myself for letting some events out of my control and so long ago influence my life so deeply. I wish I was stronger; I always felt like I was a strong, tough person. But tbh this pain has always made me feel like I should never really been born. When contemplating ctb, this feeling drives that conclusion more than anything. The dagger in my timeline was probably that moment in the 3rd trimester.

 

[hemonpath]

I was just thinking about this the other day and thanks for bringing it up. Although I only get pieces of the past from my godawful parents, I understand that my rage-a-holic father literally abused me before I was even born (apparently he tried to kill me by pushing my mother off the bed when I was in the 3rd trimester: this led to my being born with deformed legs and a very bad "birthmark" on the center of my spine. I believe I have suffered from a melancholy that most would call "depression" my whole life due to this. That my father wanted (and attempted) to kill me before birth had an impact on my psyche that prevented me from ever really enjoying life. This sounds like whiny bullshit but I think it's true. Trust me, I hate myself for letting some events out of my control and so long ago influence my life so deeply. I wish I was stronger; I always felt like I was a strong, tough person. But tbh this pain has always made me feel like I should never really been born. When contemplating ctb, this feeling drives that conclusion more than anything. The dagger in my timeline was probably that moment in the 3rd trimester.

Jesus Christ that sort of shit pisses me off. You literally can't do anything about it. As in you didn't even have the ability to say anything at least.That just sucks for days.

I'm suprised youre even able to refer to him as 'father'. Also screw you none of that sounds like 'whiny bullshit' if you may excuse my french

 

[borntodie777]

I was born to wrong parents who beat me and suppressed my natural charming and badass nature. Even put me on medication to calm me down which fucked with my brain and had gynacomastia as a side effect. The meds were discontinued after the side effects were found, I was 5 years old at the time and I was medicated because my naughtiness was "embarassing" my parents.

I started gaining weight at the age of 7 and my parents berated and beat me constantly from that age for trivial things. Even basic and insignificant mistakes like drawing on the bathroom door with crayon was met with beatings and slaps and kicks..imagine that, a 30+ year old man slapping and kicking a 8-10 year old boy for nothing. The crayons were wax, all it needed was a wet cloth and the drawings would be erased.
Ah it's a long story.. basically everything I loved was crushed, I was berated and beaten and I was never even given any hope. I just stopped caring about happiness and joy after that just went on autopilot mode and I haven't really come out of it and probably never will.

Killing myself is the best option

 

[Toenditall]

When I was born I was never ment to make it this far

 

[seekingoblivion]

the day i was born

The day I was conceived.

 

[Final Escape]

As soon as I barely graduated high school my problems really started.

 

[YellowJasmine]

My parents got married.

 

[Kooz]

Diagnosed with multiple incurable diseases/illnesses.

 

[Kyrok]

First, elementary school fits of anger which established my reputation.
Then, a depression in Grad school that undermined my relationship with my professors.
Then, a good job, but in a shit shit shit place.
Then, a fucked up relationship, leading to a stupid decision to get married.
Then, a violent outburst at an important meeting.
Next?

 

[15dec]

I think the first thing was witnessing a lot of domestic abuse and violence when I was little. Since then it's just been me sabotaging everything that comes into my life one after the other and being too depressed and paranoid to do anything

 

[couragetodie]

Jesus Christ that sort of shit pisses me off. You literally can't do anything about it. As in you didn't even have the ability to say anything at least.That just sucks for days.

I'm suprised youre even able to refer to him as 'father'. Also screw you none of that sounds like 'whiny bullshit' if you may excuse my french

I don't know what to say. I have not lived a very good life. I have been a bad friend, employee, business partner, husband and so forth. Sometimes I wonder why it is that I could not just overcome my childhood. I understand there are many who have done this. Grown up with bad circumstances to have led happy lives. I have not done this. I used to blame my parents for all this misery but idk. I wish I wasn't born tbh. And now I am on the brink of ending this misery but afraid that will cause misery for others.

 

[TAW122]

My early teens or preteens is when life gave me a major, rude awakening. Not considering puberty or the beginning of it, it was during this time where bullying was rampant, home life sucked badly (father was abusive and mother was 'emotionally' neglectful, and often fought against my (older) sister). Life was just going to hell and being alive was hell. Things didn't get better from age 12 until college, then from that point it was just pointless drivel and only cycling the motions of life. In present day, I would not say life is good at all, I'm just 'existing' and only a major catalyst or so away from ending it all.

 

[Sotipoola]

Haven't felt like myself since early teens, just started to see the world for how it really was and stopped being happy.