Venting where i'm at mentally

[tacticalinsect]

hello everyone! i'm new to the site and i thought it's probably best to talk about my experiences these past few months.

because i spoke up about a friend's physically and verbally abusive behaviour towards me (e.g: stomping me out, digging their knees in my stomach, calling me stupid, etc), i've been harassed by people i used to call my friends—they literally found all my social media platforms and began to bully me for my appearance, my art, my interests, etc. the harassment itself wasn't too bad, but you have to remember: they aren't scared of getting physical with me IRL. that fact started to flare up my anxiety really bad to the point i was actively fearing for my life and i had a horrible stomach ache every day. it had gotten so bad, i literally had to move because i refused to go outside in fear they'd jump me.

during and after this event though, i've noticed i've been experiencing psychosis more often, and at night, i'm often convinced someone's in my house ready to kill me and that the shadowy figures in my room are demons or monsters. this happens almost every night now and everytime i wake up, i realise i was only paranoid. i'm not sure if this is the right place to ask, but i'm curious whether or not this is because of recent anxiety or if my mental health has declined so much that i'm developing schizophrenia or some other type of schizoid/schizotypical disorder (i have not told my therapist about my hallucinations or paranoia yet; i stopped seeing her at some point because my anxiety of social interaction got so bad after the abuse i endured from my 'friends'. i saw her last week for the first time in months but i didn't get to tell her much about my mental state).

i'm worried these hallucinations or paranoia will make me do things i'll regret, like harming my family—i feel sick to my stomach even imagining that as a possibility.

if anyone has any advice, i'd love to hear it. thanks!

 

[BrainSplatter]

You mention that you fear going outside and fear being jumped. How often do you go outside have you spent a significant amount of time house bound? As humans we need to connect it's in our nature we aren't meant to be alone and isolated all the time so you will become paranoid. When we spend too much time alone our minds can become overly alert or even start playing tricks on us. Sometimes the brain tries to cope with loneliness by creating sensations or hallucinations that make us feel less alone, even though they aren't real.

When you have these hallucinations are they all throughout the day or only when your falling asleep or waking up? If that's the case it could be from being partially in REM sleep that can cause vivid hallucinations or dreamlike states.

Psychosis is a symptom of many things not just schizophrenia or some other type of schizoid/schizotypical disorder. You can experience psychosis from lack of sleep, drug misuse, high levels of stress even serious physical illnesses like if you had a bad infection that could cause psychotic symptoms.

From my experience it's best to tell them straight away about any hallucinations like right now you're still able to recognise that they are hallucinations but as time goes on it'll become more difficult to understand what is reality or not that's when things become dangerous coming from someone who was walking into oncoming traffic in a psychotic state I could of caused multiple accidents and killed people nevermind myself but yeah thankfully I didn't but it scared the hell out of me when I came back from it like all I saw at the time was a crowd of people and I was just following everyone it seemed like we were marching up a hill everything was almost transparent I could still see the people and cars coming but it was so faded like I could barely even see it the hallucinations just took over I had some awareness but not enough to keep myself safe or others.

 

[tacticalinsect]

You mention that you fear going outside and fear being jumped. How often do you go outside have you spent a significant amount of time house bound? As humans we need to connect it's in our nature we aren't meant to be alone and isolated all the time so you will become paranoid. When we spend too much time alone our minds can become overly alert or even start playing tricks on us. Sometimes the brain tries to cope with loneliness by creating sensations or hallucinations that make us feel less alone, even though they aren't real.

When you have these hallucinations are they all throughout the day or only when your falling asleep or waking up? If that's the case it could be from being partially in REM sleep that can cause vivid hallucinations or dreamlike states.

Psychosis is a symptom of many things not just schizophrenia or some other type of schizoid/schizotypical disorder. You can experience psychosis from lack of sleep, drug misuse, high levels of stress even serious physical illnesses like if you had a bad infection that could cause psychotic symptoms.

From my experience it's best to tell them straight away about any hallucinations like right now you're still able to recognise that they are hallucinations but as time goes on it'll become more difficult to understand what is reality or not that's when things become dangerous coming from someone who was walking into oncoming traffic in a psychotic state I could of caused multiple accidents and killed people nevermind myself but yeah thankfully I didn't but it scared the hell out of me when I came back from it like all I saw at the time was a crowd of people and I was just following everyone it seemed like we were marching up a hill everything was almost transparent I could still see the people and cars coming but it was so faded like I could barely even see it the hallucinations just took over I had some awareness but not enough to keep myself safe or others.

to clarify; it's not intentional isolation. or, well.. i'm not sure how to describe it exactly. i've struggled to create relationships with other people my whole life so i've been lonely for as long as i can remember—hell, i let the abuse from my friends continue for so long because i didn't want to be alone. issue is, when you're obviously autistic, it becomes very clear people want little to do with you (unfortunately, even if i try masking, people can tell i'm a little 'different'). i mainly talk to my family (my dad, mostly)—everyday actually, though i'm not sure what the criteria is for your mind to create hallucinations out of loneliness (as in, how much interaction is enough for your brain to think "i don't need to hallucinate anymore" lol).

my hallucinations have been mostly after the sun has set and it becomes dark. i'm scared of the dark (as embarrassing as it is to admit it) and perhaps it's possible my mind is manifesting all my fears into that single fear—though there was a time where i wasn't scared of the dark, before i started hallucinating. not sure which came first—the fear, or the hallucinations. before my visual hallucinations however, i'd hear voices—my dad's voice, when he wasn't home—around 6pm-7pm (right before dinner).

because of my hallucinations, i've struggled to relax at night, so i typically fall asleep around 2am each night and wake up around 8am-10am (though lately i've been waking up at 10am more often than not). it's also possible that sleeping outside my circadian rhythm has contributed to my hallucinations, though i'm not sure which caused what exactly. i have a really bad memory so sometimes recalling symptoms chronologically is difficult. as for any other contributions to psychosis: i do not use drugs (neither recreational nor medically) and i'm fine physically.

hope this information helps. thank you for telling me about your experience though, i hope you're doing better and please stay safe :)