Where I Am

[Amossoma543]

This was my response to a thread that's not here anymore...but I need to express my thoughts. I will edit out the person's name, in case they deleted it.

I don't know whether or not it even deserves to be called impulse necessarily because I've wanted to ctb for years, many attempts, one ending me in icu for weeks and long Term brain damage. I'm always finding various reasons, my lows are really low even over dumb shit, but I know lot is my stemmed from my past, bpd, identity issues, financial problems, self esteem stuff, my debilitating anxiety against the world, Complete lack of socializing. I'm isolated and when I try, life comes at me and laughs. I often feel I'm not real, already dead, living in a simulation, I'm a figment. I question if I'm writing a deadly diary entry to a bunch of robots.

anyway. Any of my partial attemps are pretty close, but I can't seem to push through. Or I'll be right there but the fading pauses etc, slightest shift. most of those attempts are surely impulse on low lows. However so what... tired of it not working. What's the difference if I finally can just be free.

So SN.. I'll likely fast, or fuck maybe not. But I am choosing to not to take anything else. I am aware it could fail, I'm aware I could be uncomfortable in my final moments. I have found peace with the knowledge and info that it could very well be messy, painful, etc.. I don't care. I'm at a loss. So when I'm ready I'm going to mix my heaping tablespoon, unlikely I'll even make a second one to protect others or pets etc. and I'm going to drink it and wait.

Yes I've already read the threads. I know all the "rights and wrongs" but this is mine to make peace with. If it's right for you, fuck it.

I have mixed emotions. I'm sad because I want so badly to be happy and to live happy. But it's not possible esp w bpd. I am living in serious hell. but I'm at peace with this decision.

I don't think I'll write letters. Every time I try they seem forged or like someone else is trying to write them. I find myself secretly filled with anger that those I've desperately tried to talk to or reach out to have no idea. I hold no resentment because I've found you've just got to "get it" to get it. That's okay. I just don't think I can write letters. I've always found that the very short one liners, especially punny, were interesting. Something to think of.

so anyway, no need to ban yet because I'll update as I finally feel ready. There's a part of me sitting here so desperately ready to impulse I could just drink it now. There's the part of me, the SI wondering what is left to do, what to delete. Etc. while this may come across as impulsive to some, I think yours would to others too. I think it all is, no?

I'm pretty much where you are. I feel I have no choice but to CTB, only because there's zero chance my life will get better to the degree that I will enjoy living. Not only will my life not be pleasant for me, it's going to create many burdens for others who will feel resentment for having to do things for me. I can prevent all of that with CTB, and I wake up every single day wondering if today is the day. Yesterday evening, I left the house and drove around for almost two hours, because I was so confused about what to do and was having seriously panicky feelings. I wanted to die right at the moment, I know that I really have to do it, and I'm just stuck at the jumping off place. I'm pretty much living almost moment to moment. But if I don't do it soon, the problems will just increase, and it could get to the point where I'll lose my window of opportunity to do it quietly and relatively painlessly. Either way...there's no way I can go on.

I wish people could understand how frustrating this place is...I can't keep living and I am terrified of taking the step. It. Is. A. Very. Frustrating. Place. To. Be. And there's NOBODY to talk to about it. If I were to seek professional help, then it opens up the door for SO MANY PEOPLE who will immediately change their view of me, how I am treated, it will complicate so many people's lives. People who do not deserve that. And I know that people say "Your life is worth it. Your loved ones would be happy to help"...no, they honestly wouldn't, even if they said they did. They would resent it. They would secretly think it would have been easier on everybody had I just ended my life. That's the least complicated of solutions. Even those who honestly would prefer I be a burden on others...they DO NOT deserve that. It will be easier on them for me to just pass on. If I could lay out the specifics, you would see why.

EDIT: I'm full of truth-telling today. I'm sitting here, done with my teaching for the morning, and it's hard to concentrate, because I know that right now, I could do it. I'm so desperate at this point, I actually think that I could go run a warm bath and cut my arms and bleed out. That's how desperate I feel. I need to put a period at the end of this sentence. I need to reject all of the fears and alleged downsides. It's the best solution for ME...if I were able to hire somebody to come to my home today and do it for me, just take the responsibility out of my hands, and then sit with me...wow, I'd do it right now, I think. When it comes down to where my mind is now...I feel like I'm the only person on the planet. I need OUT. I need OUT NOW.

 

[SettOne1994]

are you better now? are you better now?

 

[Amossoma543]

are you better now? are you better now?

Yes, I am not as anxious, but I'm here trying to get up the courage. I'm watching films and shows for distraction. But I'm not in a panicky mode like I was two days ago. That's a terrible place. It wasn't a panic attack...I've had those, and they're horrible. I just wish this were easier. I have such a big window of opportunity today again. I'd probably be dead within the hour. All I have to do it go mix the SN, take the antacid...pain killers...and then drink it. I'd likely vomit during the process, but I'm fairly certain I would die. In the mixture recipe, that's a shit load of SN. I wouldn't be found until later this evening. I really do wish I could have someone sit with me while I did it. I feel like it would be easier. But who's going to do that?? :P

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey Love. Unfortunately, I understand..Is there anything u wanna talk about? U can use this time home alone to vent here..it's a safe place

 

[Amossoma543]

Hey Love. Unfortunately, I understand..Is there anything u wanna talk about? U can use this time home alone to vent here..it's a safe place

Friendly voices are such a comfort. If people only realized how words impact others. Just reading your message, no matter who if meant for me or anyone (I read most comments all over this board) gives me comfort. People don't realize how this helps. It's a scientific fact that words of comfort release dopamine in the brain, bringing us comfort and warmth.

I think that I've sort of become desensitized to meanness. I comment a lot on videos on YouTube...things that interest me...and it's so common to get downright hateful messages, even if your comment wasn't something mean. You might say, "Wow, this was really cool! It made me happy to see this video!" And then some stranger, some hateful person will respond: "Get a life, fucktard. You need to get out more." - Seriously? What is wrong with people??

 

[Ghost2211]

we are here for you. I hope you are having a better day today. You are not alone when you are with us <3

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Those people that respond with nasty stuff like that wouldn't dare do it to your face. They are are expressing their own derisive attitude to he world from their own safe place.

Hope you are feeling less panicky and better today.

 

[mesohappy]

I am sorry for what you are going through and the position you are in..I have enjoyed/relate to your posts (Ive read a few now).You articulate yourself really well in your writings.I appreciate your openness and honesty..I often wish I could express myself in the same way but struggle with it..I also feel you on the youtube comments.Ive gotten to where I just watch what I go there to watch and don't even bother to scroll down to the caustic cancerous comments.Hope that when your time does come,you are at peace and have a smooth journey.

 

[bpdandme]

Here for you. I relate to your posts and you're not alone - I know that doesn't make things easier but here if you need someone to talk to who understands

 

[Deleted-User-0]

Every single word you said applies to me too. I have finally made up my mind to leave this place. I'm in the process of selling my stuff and writing will etc for my parents.
Luckily I don't have children I always knew his is going to happen one day the only wise thing I did in my life.
I don't make things complicated anymore to me it's very simple I will be using exit bag to go to sleep and never wake up so this is how I interpreted the whole experience to myself to avoid extra complexity and my body's biological fight against my CTB: you are going to sleep and never wake up and you won't even realise it and i keep On repeating it because naturally we are scared of what happens next scared of unknown. As simple as that I don't associate anything to life, death, etc etc just a simple strategy to ease things.
I hope what I said makes sense.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Yes @Amossoma543 , words either hurt or heal...n unfortunately the wounds from words can take sooo long to heal. Everyone needs comfort.that's what keeps us wanting to stay alive..I'm so happy u have found a family here that is always willing to hear (since we're in diff parts of the world, someone is always on.lol) n is genuinely concerned about YOU..Nuff love Sweetie..I'm here if u need me

 

[Amossoma543]

I am sorry for what you are going through and the position you are in..I have enjoyed/relate to your posts (Ive read a few now).You articulate yourself really well in your writings.I appreciate your openness and honesty..I often wish I could express myself in the same way but struggle with it..I also feel you on the youtube comments.Ive gotten to where I just watch what I go there to watch and don't even bother to scroll down to the caustic cancerous comments.Hope that when your time does come,you are at peace and have a smooth journey.

I really appreciate the kind words. Kindness is one of the things that has probably kept me here as long as I've been here. I teach English to both adults and children, so I really do love the written English language. Using words to convey an idea or a thought...it's one of the things that fascinates me. Trying to find out how to do it, using just the right words...or using creative words. What a nerdy thing, right? Haha. I love really effective writing. I guess that explains my big reading hobby. Reading really has given me some wonderful escape over the years. :)

I made a mixture of the SN...it's right beside me. I'm testing my resolve. It doesn't feel scary right now...but I haven't turned it up to my mouth. I might vomit due to the stomach's automatic rejection, but the taste won't do that to me. I actually feel pretty strongly that I'll keep it down long enough for it to be deadly. I don't have that particular problem with bad tastes. That gagging thing. It rarely happens. I can swallow almost any liquid substance, if it's just the taste we're talking about. It's the knowing that I'm ending all experiences that keeps me from doing it.

I have a Xanax and an Ambien put aside. If I decide to do it, I will take those two first, wait about 30 minutes, and then do it. I'm wondering if I should wait one more day. One more day can't hurt. Nothing in my life will ever get better enough to want to keep living, but it won't all come crumbling down in one day, either.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Wait one more day, Sweetie. We're not done yet

 

[Amossoma543]

Wait one more day, Sweetie. We're not done yet

I think you're right. If I'm asking the question, then it's probably a good idea. I have a pretty easy day tomorrow, so if I decide tomorrow, it will work just as well as today. To be honest, I was leaning towards doing it today. I watched one of my favorite films, took a nap...and planned to wake up and do it. I then saw your message on this board, and that made me feel that another day can't hurt. Words work. They really, really do. Hugs to you.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Yaaaaaaayyyy!!!...Tomorrow we can talk more...More hugs to u!!

 

[mesohappy]

I really appreciate the kind words. Kindness is one of the things that has probably kept me here as long as I've been here. I teach English to both adults and children, so I really do love the written English language. Using words to convey an idea or a thought...it's one of the things that fascinates me. Trying to find out how to do it, using just the right words...or using creative words. What a nerdy thing, right? Haha. I love really effective writing. I guess that explains my big reading hobby. Reading really has given me some wonderful escape over the years. :)

I made a mixture of the SN...it's right beside me. I'm testing my resolve. It doesn't feel scary right now...but I haven't turned it up to my mouth. I might vomit due to the stomach's automatic rejection, but the taste won't do that to me. I actually feel pretty strongly that I'll keep it down long enough for it to be deadly. I don't have that particular problem with bad tastes. That gagging thing. It rarely happens. I can swallow almost any liquid substance, if it's just the taste we're talking about. It's the knowing that I'm ending all experiences that keeps me from doing it.

I have a Xanax and an Ambien put aside. If I decide to do it, I will take those two first, wait about 30 minutes, and then do it. I'm wondering if I should wait one more day. One more day can't hurt. Nothing in my life will ever get better enough to want to keep living, but it won't all come crumbling down in one day, either.

When I read that you "were done with your teaching" in your OP,it made sense and the first thing I thought was "I bet its english".I share your love of reading,and it has been a great escape for me as well.I wish I would have used it more as an escape throughout the years rather than escaping through intoxication..Maybe my life may have turned out different(?).And as far as waiting one more day,your right..What is the hurry?Certainly cant hurt.At least that is what I told myself today.The weather is beautiful where I live today,and I want to take my dog for a nice walk around the golf course this evening as the sun is setting..The moon is getting full and it should be bright and beautiful in the night sky this evening.Im gonna hang around so I can see it one more time.Heres to tomorrow,and whatever it may bring my friend.

 

[SettOne1994]

Yes, I am not as anxious, but I'm here trying to get up the courage. I'm watching films and shows for distraction. But I'm not in a panicky mode like I was two days ago. That's a terrible place. It wasn't a panic attack...I've had those, and they're horrible. I just wish this were easier. I have such a big window of opportunity today again. I'd probably be dead within the hour. All I have to do it go mix the SN, take the antacid...pain killers...and then drink it. I'd likely vomit during the process, but I'm fairly certain I would die. In the mixture recipe, that's a shit load of SN. I wouldn't be found until later this evening. I really do wish I could have someone sit with me while I did it. I feel like it would be easier. But who's going to do that?? :P

where do you live? you made sure the anti emetics are strong and good quality?

 

[Amossoma543]

where do you live? you made sure the anti emetics are strong and good quality?

I cannot get the antiemetic...but I've read of enough cases where that didn't deter death for those determined enough. I will have 3 solutions made and beside me. If I do vomit, I will drink another. And another if I have the strength. With the amount of SN in each solution, and with my low body weight and size, I'm fairly confident it will work. I will have taken a Xanax and an Ambien, so I don't think my anxiety will be too high. I will not fail.