Venting Whenever my friends try to cheer me up it makes me feel worse.

[Homulily]

as the title says, some of my friends know I want to ctb.
please note, none of them are actual, like, in person friends they're all very far away from me.
sometimes they'll try to cheer me up and then whenever they leave for the night i just felt like I did before.
im such an asshole for being like this, its clear they're trying to cheer me up but im just an asshole for not feeling any better.
sometimes talking to them just makes me feel worse.

For context for the next part, I live in a rural area, there is not many people here, and nothing really to do here.
I've tried to get out and go places and do stuff with people but theres simply nothing here. i've travelled across the continent to visit someone who was my partner at the time, they're my ex now. the were one of the only like, physical connections I had and even then I only got to see her every few months. I've tried using like, apps to meet people here, not like, romantic partners just ANYONE. but there is nobody.
and when I talk to my friends sometimes they'll tell me how they recently went and did something with their friends and it makes me want to cry. I cant help but feel jealous, I hate that im like this im such an awful person for being like this, I WANT to be happy for them, I really really do, but all i can feel is jealous. I would do anything to be able to just make a single friend around here, (i say single as in, like, one person, not single romantically I am not looking for a new partner, i've been traumatized a lot by relationships)
but there is simply, nobody in my town I can find.
i've tried going to social group meetings and such, but none of them ever wanted to talk to me outside the group, even when I would try to talk to them.
I want to be able to go hang out with people, i want to be able to tell them that I did something like that when they tell me stories about stuff they just did, but I cant.
and it ends up just making me feel worse.

I would go visit them if I could, but I don't have the money to do so. and none of them seem interested in visiting me, which is fair, there is nothing here and I am an awful person.

edit- the more i re-read this the more i just feel angry at myself.
fuck. i wish i could just be happy for them all. i hate that im like this, i want to sh or something to punish myself.

 

[soft-flower345]

It's perfectly normal and okay to feel jealous of others connections and physical(in person I mean) relationships, it doesn't sound like you're acting on your jealousy so you really don't need to or deserve to be so harsh to yourself. I've seen you around on this site a handful of times before and your posts reflect that in actuality you're really kind and considerate of others. It seems like you're lonely and in a lot of pain because of the lack of others to connect with around you, and thats a natural human response to loneliness and frustration at the inability to connect.

Is there anything keeping you from moving to a location with more people that you can relate to? You mentioned you don't have a lot of money so I'm guessing that's a big contributing factor, if you have a car or motorcycle you could pick up a job some like 30-40min away in your preferred target direction and then try to save up enough to move closer to it? And then from there you could rinse and repeat if you wanted to, moving from city to city until you find a place where you find people to connect irl? Idk I'm just spitballing.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much rn

 

[Homulily]

It's perfectly normal and okay to feel jealous of others connections and physical(in person I mean) relationships, it doesn't sound like you're acting on your jealousy so you really don't need to or deserve to be so harsh to yourself. I've seen you around on this site a handful of times before and your posts reflect that in actuality you're really kind and considerate of others. It seems like you're lonely and in a lot of pain because of the lack of others to connect with around you, and thats a natural human response to loneliness and frustration at the inability to connect.

Is there anything keeping you from moving to a location with more people that you can relate to? You mentioned you don't have a lot of money so I'm guessing that's a big contributing factor, if you have a car or motorcycle you could pick up a job some like 30-40min away in your preferred target direction and then try to save up enough to move closer to it? And then from there you could rinse and repeat if you wanted to, moving from city to city until you find a place where you find people to connect irl? Idk I'm just spitballing.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much rn

i've been trying to find jobs in the city nearby, or just remote jobs.
I really want to move out of here, thats one of the conditions i've set for myself on reconsidering ctb.
the conditions are mainly, to not be alone on my next birthday, to of gotten a job, to of moved out, just completing one of them will be enough for me to reconsider trying to ctb.

But I have been trying to do these for awhile now.
I am physically quite weak, I worked in a factory for 2 days before but my boss fired be because I almost collapsed on the work floor.
the last time I had a job I think was, 2 years ago during summer, it was a 7 week animation contract with a studio in Toronto, (I do not live in Toronto, it was a remote job)
since then I have been applying trying to find a job.
I am not picky, but I know my limits, the only 2 types of jobs i avoid applying for are jobs that require a lot of physical strength, such as factory jobs and other jobs that require strength (since I tried that before, and I have not gotten any stronger), or jobs involving food (I have an eating disorder, being around food makes me very very anxious), besides those two things, I would be willing to work most jobs.
maybe that is being too picky of me. I hope i'm not coming across as some spoiled kid who just doesn't want to work hard, as thats not the case, when I worked the animation job, to meet a deadline i worked for around 32 hours straight, I'm a very hard worker when its something I can actually do, and even when its not I still do my best.

I went to college for 2D Animation, as art is something I am able to do, I drew my pfp, its part of something im working on.
but there is very little 2D animation work within Canada, so I am considering moving countries to a country with more animation jobs, but first i'd need to actually get a regular job, and save up enough to actually do that.

I desperately want to get out of the town I am in.
as for the bit about being harsh on myself, I believe it to be deserved, but i appreciate your kind words, they mean a lot to me.

 

[soft-flower345]

I don't think you're being picky or lazy at all, have you ever thought about graphic design? You may be able to get your foot in the door somewhere to setup a stable source of income and use that to get out of the country, it's a long shot but you may even be able to secure a work visa to make the whole process easier.

I didnt know you drew your pf, that's actually really cool. Do you post anything you draw or animate online? I'd love to look at it sometime, you seem skilled and I like the style of your pf.

 

[Homulily]

I don't think you're being picky or lazy at all, have you ever thought about graphic design? You may be able to get your foot in the door somewhere to setup a stable source of income and use that to get out of the country, it's a long shot but you may even be able to secure a work visa to make the whole process easier.

I didnt know you drew your pf, that's actually really cool. Do you post anything you draw or animate online? I'd love to look at it sometime, you seem skilled and I like the style of your pf.

I've tried applying for graphic design work. never accepted for it
I do post some places online, would you mind if we private messaged so I could send you links to them? I don't want to publicly post them (not that there is anything bad I just don't want to publicly post them)
though if you do not want to, i can post the links here too

 

[soft-flower345]

I've tried applying for graphic design work. never accepted for it
I do post some places online, would you mind if we private messaged so I could send you links to them? I don't want to publicly post them (not that there is anything bad I just don't want to publicly post them)
though if you do not want to, i can post the links here too

Sure!