My life turned upside down in 2024 to the point where I will likely never return to a normal state of being. I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder which was hard to accept and so I got a series of antipsychotic shots from October-December and those fundamentally changed who I am as a person and made me lose my personality and what makes me a unique individual. It's been months and I haven't really improved. I am extremely fatigued and have chronic pain and it's just total misery.
This year I've attempted twice but couldn't finish it either time because of my survival instinct. It's like my mind is still holding onto hope that doesn't exist. It's like I know I'm extremely foolish and should just end the misery but I can't. I hate life soooo much it's like no matter what I do I can't get better or feel good. I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. It's such a complicated feeling because I want to die but I can't seem to make the effort to actually do it. And when I do make the effort to actually do it I can't let go and just go through with it. I'm afraid of what comes afterwards. Does it just end? Are heaven or hell real? Will I have to come back to Earth and start over? Part of me doesn't like any of those options. I don't know how to live but I don't really know how to die either. Like all night I was planning to do the partial hanging thing from my ceiling fan but now that it's morning I don't want to make the effort to actually do it.
This year I've attempted twice but couldn't finish it either time because of my survival instinct. It's like my mind is still holding onto hope that doesn't exist. It's like I know I'm extremely foolish and should just end the misery but I can't. I hate life soooo much it's like no matter what I do I can't get better or feel good. I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. It's such a complicated feeling because I want to die but I can't seem to make the effort to actually do it. And when I do make the effort to actually do it I can't let go and just go through with it. I'm afraid of what comes afterwards. Does it just end? Are heaven or hell real? Will I have to come back to Earth and start over? Part of me doesn't like any of those options. I don't know how to live but I don't really know how to die either. Like all night I was planning to do the partial hanging thing from my ceiling fan but now that it's morning I don't want to make the effort to actually do it.
