PlushieLover
XII - THE HANGED MAN
- Mar 24, 2021
- 118
Hi guys, I was rescuing my poems from my old computer and stuff and I found my masterpiece. When I wrote it I still had hope and I feel like it's fucking sad to see how instead of improving, I got much worse at the point of wanting to kill myself. Well, the context is that I wrote this poem when I basically admitted that I had depression to my friends and my mom. They say a lot of nice things to me and that I will get better and that I was brave for looking for help. I really thought that from that point on everything would be better for me, but nope. In fact, I think it got worse because my depression was no longer just my problem but it was a problem for my family and friends as well. I don't know how to feel about this poem anymore, It was one of my only happy poems, but now that I want to die, it feels like the saddest one by far. Well, here it is (The original poem was written in Spanish, it may have errors, sorry)
Hope when crossing the unpredictable tides.
Before today, I used to be always wet and moldy from the muddy puddle tainted with self-hatred.
Every day, every miserable and raw day I swam through my sea of blood, tears and vomit.
So disgusted was I of such magnitude of disgust in my life.
I decided with fear to give the sea a chance once more.
I started swimming, my arms began to wear out and tire.
In an instant I thought of just stopping swimming and sinking to never breathe again.
But today, just today I saw that island, finally ... I felt hope.
Hope to stop being a living dead who only murmurs, eats and breathes.
Hope in being that old boy who was happy.
Hope to put my hatred behind me.
Hope to continue and fight this bitter and cruel life.
Hope to leave the disgust and repudiation that chokes my heart and clogs my mind.
Hope to stop feeling that guilt and helplessness which has not let me go my way.
A long time passed since I felt joy, a long time passed without me feeling miserable.
I felt the warmth of the sun again, I laughed and my smile was reflected in the water again.
I no longer felt that eternal chill that tormented me in every moment of my consciousness.
Everything was the way it used to be, just like the old days.
The tide, unlike yesterday, helped me to continue towards tomorrow.
That thought came back to me that hours ago I saw as impossible, I felt that I could move on.
My body was collapsing, but my heart and soul felt again.
Which waterfall I fell down, carried away by the frantic currents of pain and sadness
and which geyser I will arm myself against you again, damn wind, damn density.
I will no longer be that little fish that drowns in its own crying, I will be that seagull that freely flies over
the warm sun of love, peace and happiness.
I will feel the sand in my fingers in the corner of the sea and I will say: I won.
Original poem in Spanish if you are interested.
Esperanza al cruzar las impredecibles mareas.
Antes de hoy, solía estar siempre húmedo y mohoso por el charco de lodo contaminado de odio hacia mi mismo.
Cada día, cada miserable y crudo día nadaba sobre mi mar de sangre, lágrimas y vomito.
Tan asqueado estaba de tal magnitud de repugnancia en mi vida.
Decidí con miedo darle una oportunidad al mar una vez mas.
Empecé a nadar, mis brazos empezaron a desgastarse y cansarse.
En un instante pensé en solo dejar de nadar y hundirme para jamas volver a respirar.
Pero hoy, justo hoy vi aquella isla, por fin... sentí esperanza.
Esperanza a dejar de ser un muerto en vida que solo murmura, come y respira.
Esperanza en ser ese antiguo chico el cual era feliz.
Esperanza en dejar atrás el odio hacia mi mismo.
Esperanza en continuar y pelear contra esta amarga y cruel vida.
Esperanza en dejar el asco y repudio que atraganta mi corazón y obstruye mi mente.
Esperanza en dejar de sentir esa culpa y impotencia la cual no me a dejado seguir mi camino.
Mucho tiempo paso desde que sentí alegría, mucho tiempo paso sin que me sintiera miserable.
Sentí la calidez del sol de nuevo, reí y mi sonrisa se reflejo en el agua otra vez.
Ya no sentía ese escalofrió eterno que me atormentaba en cada instante de mi consciencia.
Todo fue como solía ser, como los viejos tiempos.
La marea al contrario al día de ayer, me ayudaba a seguir hacia el mañana.
Volvió a mi ese pensamiento que hace horas veía como un imposible, sentí que podía seguir adelante.
Mi cuerpo estaban colapsando, pero mi corazón y alma volvían a sentir.
Cual cascada me vine abajo dejado llevar por las frenéticas corrientes de dolor y tristeza
y cual géiser volveré a armarme en contra de ti, maldito viento, maldita densidad.
No volveré a ser ese pequeño pez que se muere ahogado en su propio llanto, seré esa gaviota que libremente vuela sobre
el calido sol del amor,la paz y la felicidad.
Sentire la arena en mis dedos en la esquina del mar y diré: Yo gane.
Hope when crossing the unpredictable tides.
Before today, I used to be always wet and moldy from the muddy puddle tainted with self-hatred.
Every day, every miserable and raw day I swam through my sea of blood, tears and vomit.
So disgusted was I of such magnitude of disgust in my life.
I decided with fear to give the sea a chance once more.
I started swimming, my arms began to wear out and tire.
In an instant I thought of just stopping swimming and sinking to never breathe again.
But today, just today I saw that island, finally ... I felt hope.
Hope to stop being a living dead who only murmurs, eats and breathes.
Hope in being that old boy who was happy.
Hope to put my hatred behind me.
Hope to continue and fight this bitter and cruel life.
Hope to leave the disgust and repudiation that chokes my heart and clogs my mind.
Hope to stop feeling that guilt and helplessness which has not let me go my way.
A long time passed since I felt joy, a long time passed without me feeling miserable.
I felt the warmth of the sun again, I laughed and my smile was reflected in the water again.
I no longer felt that eternal chill that tormented me in every moment of my consciousness.
Everything was the way it used to be, just like the old days.
The tide, unlike yesterday, helped me to continue towards tomorrow.
That thought came back to me that hours ago I saw as impossible, I felt that I could move on.
My body was collapsing, but my heart and soul felt again.
Which waterfall I fell down, carried away by the frantic currents of pain and sadness
and which geyser I will arm myself against you again, damn wind, damn density.
I will no longer be that little fish that drowns in its own crying, I will be that seagull that freely flies over
the warm sun of love, peace and happiness.
I will feel the sand in my fingers in the corner of the sea and I will say: I won.
Original poem in Spanish if you are interested.
Esperanza al cruzar las impredecibles mareas.
Antes de hoy, solía estar siempre húmedo y mohoso por el charco de lodo contaminado de odio hacia mi mismo.
Cada día, cada miserable y crudo día nadaba sobre mi mar de sangre, lágrimas y vomito.
Tan asqueado estaba de tal magnitud de repugnancia en mi vida.
Decidí con miedo darle una oportunidad al mar una vez mas.
Empecé a nadar, mis brazos empezaron a desgastarse y cansarse.
En un instante pensé en solo dejar de nadar y hundirme para jamas volver a respirar.
Pero hoy, justo hoy vi aquella isla, por fin... sentí esperanza.
Esperanza a dejar de ser un muerto en vida que solo murmura, come y respira.
Esperanza en ser ese antiguo chico el cual era feliz.
Esperanza en dejar atrás el odio hacia mi mismo.
Esperanza en continuar y pelear contra esta amarga y cruel vida.
Esperanza en dejar el asco y repudio que atraganta mi corazón y obstruye mi mente.
Esperanza en dejar de sentir esa culpa y impotencia la cual no me a dejado seguir mi camino.
Mucho tiempo paso desde que sentí alegría, mucho tiempo paso sin que me sintiera miserable.
Sentí la calidez del sol de nuevo, reí y mi sonrisa se reflejo en el agua otra vez.
Ya no sentía ese escalofrió eterno que me atormentaba en cada instante de mi consciencia.
Todo fue como solía ser, como los viejos tiempos.
La marea al contrario al día de ayer, me ayudaba a seguir hacia el mañana.
Volvió a mi ese pensamiento que hace horas veía como un imposible, sentí que podía seguir adelante.
Mi cuerpo estaban colapsando, pero mi corazón y alma volvían a sentir.
Cual cascada me vine abajo dejado llevar por las frenéticas corrientes de dolor y tristeza
y cual géiser volveré a armarme en contra de ti, maldito viento, maldita densidad.
No volveré a ser ese pequeño pez que se muere ahogado en su propio llanto, seré esa gaviota que libremente vuela sobre
el calido sol del amor,la paz y la felicidad.
Sentire la arena en mis dedos en la esquina del mar y diré: Yo gane.
Last edited:
