I've had a really difficult month. I have BPD, complex PTSD and a lot of trauma. I moved out of a domestic violence refuge a month ago after 1 1/2 years of refuges and a few years of running before that. I have had suicidal ideation for years which I normally manage but the last month I started therapy. I've had it before but this time it's too intense. The sessions run over each week. The doctor tries to cram in as much as possible. She jumps from one thing to the next. Sets a lot of homework and texts or rings me to check I've done what she has asked. I've been saying it's too much but no change. The last session broke me. She read me a story. That I'm blind and I'm a field of holes. I fall in one and keep trying to get out using my tool bag but just make it worse. That I look up to her on the surface and she can't help. The story ends by saying 'basically it's hopeless'. After that session I spiralled. After a few days I couldn't take the pressure and hopelessness. I took a massive paracetamol overdose. Had NAC treatment in hospital and when I got home they increased the support for two days. Today was the first therapy session since I've been discharged. Days worth of anxiety building up to it but I was hopeful I could articulate what's triggering. Instead I was met by the therapist and the crisis team manager. She said that effective straight away they are withdrawing their support. I am to ring them if things get bad. I know support couldn't last long but I was hoping they would see me through the bank holiday weekend. A time when all the normal support routes are closed. I broke down. Felt like they didn't see how important this time is. It's make or break. I'm fighting to survive. They saved my life last week but it feels like now that's forgotten. The negative language they use is really triggering. I know I'm hyper sensitive at the moment so a small thing can seem like the end. I'm trying with everything I have but feel all alone with this. I know services are stretched. I'm normally so patient and adaptable but I've been saying since I came out that things are still really bad. I don't know what else I can do. I'm so torn to give up or keep fighting. My rational mind is overwhelmed with pain so deep every hour feels like too much.
Has anyone had similar experiences. How have you coped or got through to the services that are meant to be there to help in a crisis.
Has anyone had similar experiences. How have you coped or got through to the services that are meant to be there to help in a crisis.
