Venting When people just dont like you, why?

[ETCETERA]

I don't really know what to say right now, since it's my first time posting on here, but I should probably go into the title for a start.

I've never commit any crimes in my life. I've never physically hurt anyone, and my advice/predictions always ended up being right when people come to me for advice. And if they don't want advice, I listen. If they don't want me to listen, I don't listen. If they want me to talk to them, I do. If they want comfort, I do. If they want a conversation, I give a conversation. With the way I'm writing right now, I really sound like a giver or a doormat, but I don't think I am. This is all in cases where people come to me or they are people I know, and I don't mind. I talk about what I want to, aswell- not just giving. And I ask. I don't have any unusual or uncommon hobbies, either. I like to draw, I like reading. I wouldn't say I'm boring either, I have alot of stories, about my life, that people have found interesting. By the law- I'm not a bad person. Whether you think I'm a bad person or not, I don't know. You could try and make a judgement based off of what I've written today, but you don't know who I am,. Whether that assumption you make is correct or incorrect, I don't know, and I am not able to say. Since we can't be objective about oneself, I can't say I'm morally- or ethically, a good or bad person. But I'd like to think I am.

But for some reason, people just naturally gravitate away from me. I smile and do small talk to strangers, and they respond in kind. My neighbourhood is relatively quite nice. And, I've met many people. But they never really stick, or have stuck. One bad trait about me is my voice. If I'm talking, my own family tell me to shut up, or that my voice is particularly grating. I've been told while trying to talk that, for some reason, whatever comes from me just is incredibly boring or uninteresting or etc. I don't like arguments, and I don't particularly argue with others, or call out things I disagree with, but even then, I could be just doing nothing- people just dont like it. When I smile for pictures, they don't like my smile. When I get passionate about something I'm talking about, they find my voice annoying- or that I'm being too loud, so they tell me to shut up whether rudely or politely.

You've probably already guessed, but I'm suicidal. Not a surprise since I'm literally on a forum called sanctioned suicide, I've realised this about me for a while now, but I think there is something innately wrong with me. With the way my brain works, with my mind, with the way I just can't seem to save myself from this hole I've dug. Maybe it's because childhood trauma or maybe it's just how I am, but I've realised I'm really one of those people you just can't save. Have you ever argued or tried talking to someone, and just think, 'goodness, its pointless trying to save/convince/help them.'. Or maybe you've heard of the saying, 'you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved'. I've encountered these people before, but the most painful thing is realising you are one of them, and that really, you can't be saved. Not by words, not by pills, not by therapy, not by yourself- because for some reason, you are just unable to start or build good habits, or just unable to study, or meet that deadline, or do this or that, you just cannot. Many people have stressed this to me, that it is so easy to save myself from this, but how am I supposed to do that when I am trapped with this person(myself) who is unwilling to do any of those things to save me? When I say I can't, people Internet it as laziness, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But seriously, I can't. Suicidal thoughts are like my hands to me. If you are doing something, you are using your hands, therefore - you will always see it in your field of vision. It is always there, while you're relaxing, reading a book, eating, putting on jewellery, taking off a suit, your hands won't ever leave your field of vision, unless they're tied behind your back by someone else.

I don't know what my point is here, or what I'm trying to say, or what the meaning of this ramble is, but I hope writing this will somehow give me a magical pill that'll make everything better. Of course it won't, but, what is it if not a cry for help? Whoever bothers to read this, thanks. And I sincerely hope both of us make it out. If not - may death be our peacebringer, whether it be for a brief moment until the angels come and test our souls, or forever, because you believe there is nothing after death. Please, find peace, and I hope I do.

 

[33-vertebrae]

Could be that you're either neuro-divergent or dealing with ADHD/ADD and executive dysfunction.

Executive dysfunction (ED) is a common symptom cluster associated with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It refers to a set of cognitive skills that help individuals plan, organize, prioritize, and regulate their thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

Symptoms of Executive Dysfunction in ADHD:

Difficulty initiating and completing tasks
Poor time management and procrastination
Problems with organization and planning
Impulsivity and difficulty with self-control
Working memory deficits
Difficulty shifting attention between tasks
Poor problem-solving and decision-making skills
Challenges with emotional regulation

 

[ETCETERA]

I'll look into it, thanks.

 

[coseymo]

I am in the same exact situation as you are. This sounds to me like some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence, as it makes you feel like you are alienated from society. If you want to talk, you can message me. But you shouldn't be around people who make you feel insecure for being passionate about the things you love.

 

[rainw3rld4ngel]

I'm adding on to something i relate to about the words you said, and how others in the replies also related in the context of neurodivergence / autism.
I mean it's possible you're not even autistic in the first place (as you didn't bring it it up in your post), but as a similar experience this might be helpful to read anyway. but yes due to relating so strongly to ur words i wouldn't really be surprised if that was the case.

(not sure of this was the study i remembered, just googling and copying something quickly)

Neurotypical Peers are Less Willing to Interact with Those with Autism based on Thin Slice Judgments - PMC

Individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), including those who otherwise require less support, face severe difficulties in everyday social interactions. Research in this area has primarily focused on identifying the cognitive and neurological ...

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

"....social difficulties may arise not just from people with ASD themselves, but also from the perceptions, judgments, and social decisions made by those around them. Here, across three studies, we find that first impressions of individuals with ASD made from thin slices of real-world social behavior by typically-developing observers are not only far less favorable across a range of trait judgments compared to controls, but also are associated with reduced intentions to pursue social interaction. These patterns are remarkably robust, occur within seconds, do not change with increased exposure, and persist across both child and adult age groups. However, these biases disappear when impressions are based on conversational content lacking audio-visual cues, suggesting that style, not substance, drives negative impressions of ASD. Collectively, these findings advocate for a broader perspective of social difficulties in ASD that considers both the individual's impairments and the biases of potential social partners....."

from personal experience i kinda already knew this to be true. (& I havent really talked to many other people on the spectrum to have this type of of topic come up.)
without being able to put words, or reasoning towards it to explain this type of experience, its also quite easy to assume judgements are formed by others maybe simply because ur Ugly or something (in my case, i think that's also true, but most people probably attribute more to this than is the case, such as a lot of "incels", cause neurotypicals at most degrees of physical "ugliness" usually don't experience the social extremes experienced by people with autism. but i mean obviously it doesnt help, anyway thats not my point..).

I would analyze social interactions in my head and think, what did i do wrong, ok maybe i shouldn't begin with "Hi" or with asking anyone's name until i can work out if they're willing to talk to me, because when i do that i get negative signals from people (this kind of approach obviously being the opposite of social advice for neurotypicals, leaving it very difficult to try and read anything or talk to a therapist to get much help, or have them understand..), so i might begin with something course-related during a shared context like in a university tutorial. But then if I ask "Have you done the readings?" or "i missed today's lecture but the topic actually seemed interesting...." i again always never get much of a response. So at first i might assume 99.9% percent of students are like basically not interested in their study in the first place, before realizing its probably only because im the one asking them. So you can see how someone's mind comes to all sorts of conclusions about everything lol.

Or if i have to overthink leaving one or two empty seats between people sitting in lecture theatres or tutorials etc. rather than imposing myself on someone who might not want to end up next to me - i think its the correct decision, but obviously not helpful for interacting with anyone. Then on busy days when you notice everyone has to sit next to each other, when i do that the people next to me angle in the opposite direction so i cant even visually get anyone's attention to say anything, and wouldn't verbally do so after receiving a negative signal like that.
(at least in recent years i do pay close attention to hygiene & antiperspirant & stuff, so thats not the issue)

so for someone who feels similarly cursed, learning about the above in relation to ASD did address some questions in my mind.
as you also mention you would wish there was a better path out there, a way to succeed and to survive, i also want to definitely avoid painting this in a black-and-white fundamental way. <---(oh and "black-and-white" thinking is apparently an autism symptom ?)
cause impressions are often formed on things that people can't verbalize, at least not at first (beyond like "weird"), adding up various small factors, well yes it's often difficult to fix.

You mention the sound of your voice, i have similar problems (living in new zealand with a weird hybrid US accent, weird tonality that i cant understand the cause of, if it might even be something physical like nasal sinus issues lol). Lots of autistic people have issues with their tone, sounding monotone, or emphasizing the wrong words in "weird" ways, that kind of thing.
Often one thing on its own isnt like the dealbreaker or anything.
if u look up clips of US politician Marie Gluesenkamp Perez talking, i noticed her facial expressions and stresses on words sound just ever-so-slightly off in a way that reminds me of myself a little bit (and i've noticed other autistics on twitter joke about the same thing). It seems neurotypicals don't even really mind it coming from her. (Actually im not sure if this is a good example i might just be remembering one bad / funny clip i saw, idk what shes like most of the time cause im not american & too far-left to care about democrats anyway...). If Elon Musk wasn't who he is, maybe i wouldn't mind the voice, but due to everything else about him being repulsive, yes even something that i would literally describe as an autism symptom (his voice) repulses me. (You'll also find that high-functioning / high-"masking" autistics often put in the work of being presentable thru a Lot of effort, and maybe a bit of self-hate, and therefore they sometimes Really pick up on, or even can't stand symptoms like that in others, like looking at an ugly reflection in a mirror. i remember a few people ive met in this light, sorry....)

You could apply the same type of thinking towards clothes, physical appearance/ grooming/ hair etc., interests / hobbies, / conversational style, slang, everything..
Overthinking is a mental toll that weighs on your time, & limited executive function, but even though "rumination" gets considered like a negative symptom, its like really done for a purpose to some people, and sometimes its like almost social life-or-death or try and understand things.

Often if you try to work out a shortcoming and "mask" (and/or maybe kind of "act" a bit, on purpose or not) to address it, a crack or flaw in the mask can also look like a huge problem to neurotypicals (sometimes maybe even being worse).

And "catastrophizing" is considered a negative symptom of autism, but in my opinion its really a psychological pattern that emerges because some of us keep catastrophically failing socially for reasons that we don't understand, or account for. and when i try to "ruminate" and control 1 billion variables to avoid this, its because usually variable #1 billion & 1 was something that i didnt think of that made it socially topple over.
yeah thats kinda my experience

again, im discussing myself and something others in the replies have mentioned, maybe you're not autistic like some of us.
And if you don't really have a direct immediate reason to CTB, i also want to recommend at least attempting to make the best out of ur own life rather than making big decisions like that too early (as well as not spending too much time scrolling the words of the most hopeless people in the most hopeless places..)
I remember in the past it seemed like at best i might "succeed" and turn 40, friendless, in a dead-end job and kill myself then, so like what am i supposed to do right now ? well im on this website cause things got even worse for me, but if someone was in a similar position as me before, i really think you do need to at least try, because at a bare minimum, time always brings chaos & chance that you never would have thought of that always affects everything (not to mention what u may be able to affect thru ur own thoughts & actions).
some on this website are (or sound like) pretty much philosophical nihilists, anti-natalists, etc.., im not, often it think maybe it's just like that for Them & not most other people, to put it a bit cruelly (maybe they would be even more depressed if they believed that..). (Also i don't mean to paint it as hopeless - i have attented a few adult autism meetups and really most people seem to be doing better than me and not especially "cursed" in the same way..)
I do also think a lot of the time people here may be "wrong", but i guess its none of my business in a context & forum like this. Imo browsing here too much could cause a lot of psychological damage if ur not certain about ur own goals yet. in the past i used to be curious about places like 4chan, about like weirdo NEETs and stuff, cause i didnt know how to get out of my own situation and everything written for neurotypicals didnt seem to apply to me, so maybe i should read the words of other people who were more like me... but of course someone wouldn't be writing anything on 4chan for example (or be here) if they knew a way out, instead u just pick up their own contagious brainworms by reading their thoughts lol.
(maybe my words could even lead to contagious social anxiety lol - often ur own expectations get picked up on from ur tone & face & stuff and then actually lead to those reactions from others....... yeah)

sorry about such a long post
(i think its quite likely i just ranted about myself instead of saying much helpful to u, but it's probably better for both of us if i just it post instead of giving up or spend even more time thinking about it, sorry...)