I am not sure whether I already made a similar thread. It must have been a very long time ago.
I want to explain it. I had now suicidal thoughts since almost a decade. I had 1 year break. And guess what? The break was a manic episode. It was the best time of my life by far. Though the mania ended with a psychosis. After the mania most often there comes major depression which last way longer than the mania. So I can say to 100% the mania (for me) was not worth the depression. I was extremely agitated and experienced extreme psychosomatic pain after my collapse. I almost killed myself because of it. And I am planning to kill myself after the next crash. The pain was beyond imagination.
So for me there are warning signs for mania. "My mood becomes too good. I enjoy social interactions too much. My joy to live increases it happens seldomly but often it is a warning sign for me." There are two ways of how this happens. The healthy way is vacation from college. This is truely a good way to increase life quality. But there is also the unhealthy manner. When my mind starts to become megalomaniac, thinks I looked way better than it actually is the fact, when I think women would find me very attractive etc.
It is kind of sad my suicidal ideation only disappeared due to a patholgical mental state which will probably kill myself in the long run.
I find it kind of stunning and sad. I am now writing in the forum since two years. Most of the time I was in the most positive mood that is possible for me so far (except mania). I have way more life quality than in the past. However my life quality is still so fucking low. OCD and perfectionism ruins me. I plan to do a rational suicide after the next relapse. In my language we have a slightly different term. It is called "Bilanzsuizid". It means you rationally make a list with the positive and bad things in life. Often they say it is only possible when one is not in an acute crisis/depression etc. So for me currently I am not in a crisis. I am doing college, have less depression than in the past. And my therapists would agree I am not in an acute crisis. Still I plan to kill myself. My hope decreases and decreases. My mind is fragile as fuck. And I am fully convinced I cannot bear another extreme agitation and psychosomatic pain. There is the hope my medication might lessen the pain. The medication has stabilized me for sure. And it was a very good decision to take them.
Though my opportunities in life become less and less. I have the feeling some issues (for example love interest) repeat and repeat without making any progress.
I don't see for myself convincing arguments why it should be worth to go through another crash. (from mania into deep depression). For me personally I don't see much hope. I try to postpone it. I try to fight despite the odds are against me. I think the fight can be worth it. But in my case I barely see any real hope. I really have dream scenarios which miracels could save me. I had some minor progress but far away from a miracle. Instead new major issues like the stroke of my mom happened. I don't see much hope for me. I play for time but cannot see a catharsis. I rather have the feeling a major catastrophe will happen. I wish I could find a way to live. But I have the feeling my life kind of bullies me into killing myself. I am seemingly not meant to be happy.
I want to explain it. I had now suicidal thoughts since almost a decade. I had 1 year break. And guess what? The break was a manic episode. It was the best time of my life by far. Though the mania ended with a psychosis. After the mania most often there comes major depression which last way longer than the mania. So I can say to 100% the mania (for me) was not worth the depression. I was extremely agitated and experienced extreme psychosomatic pain after my collapse. I almost killed myself because of it. And I am planning to kill myself after the next crash. The pain was beyond imagination.
So for me there are warning signs for mania. "My mood becomes too good. I enjoy social interactions too much. My joy to live increases it happens seldomly but often it is a warning sign for me." There are two ways of how this happens. The healthy way is vacation from college. This is truely a good way to increase life quality. But there is also the unhealthy manner. When my mind starts to become megalomaniac, thinks I looked way better than it actually is the fact, when I think women would find me very attractive etc.
It is kind of sad my suicidal ideation only disappeared due to a patholgical mental state which will probably kill myself in the long run.
I find it kind of stunning and sad. I am now writing in the forum since two years. Most of the time I was in the most positive mood that is possible for me so far (except mania). I have way more life quality than in the past. However my life quality is still so fucking low. OCD and perfectionism ruins me. I plan to do a rational suicide after the next relapse. In my language we have a slightly different term. It is called "Bilanzsuizid". It means you rationally make a list with the positive and bad things in life. Often they say it is only possible when one is not in an acute crisis/depression etc. So for me currently I am not in a crisis. I am doing college, have less depression than in the past. And my therapists would agree I am not in an acute crisis. Still I plan to kill myself. My hope decreases and decreases. My mind is fragile as fuck. And I am fully convinced I cannot bear another extreme agitation and psychosomatic pain. There is the hope my medication might lessen the pain. The medication has stabilized me for sure. And it was a very good decision to take them.
Though my opportunities in life become less and less. I have the feeling some issues (for example love interest) repeat and repeat without making any progress.
I don't see for myself convincing arguments why it should be worth to go through another crash. (from mania into deep depression). For me personally I don't see much hope. I try to postpone it. I try to fight despite the odds are against me. I think the fight can be worth it. But in my case I barely see any real hope. I really have dream scenarios which miracels could save me. I had some minor progress but far away from a miracle. Instead new major issues like the stroke of my mom happened. I don't see much hope for me. I play for time but cannot see a catharsis. I rather have the feeling a major catastrophe will happen. I wish I could find a way to live. But I have the feeling my life kind of bullies me into killing myself. I am seemingly not meant to be happy.
