Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,203
Today, work was alright
Despite my issues dealing with the children, communicating with my co workers, and learning from my mistakes, this is the first work environment that I actually enjoy
It rained pretty hard in the afternoon. My manager called me on the walkie to send me home and hour early. She knows my commute is far (an hour by transit) and she wanted me to be home before the rain got worse
I called my father after and, surprisingly, he was on his way to pick me up via car. He figured since it was raining he wanted to pick me up as a surprise. And the area I work in is also close by to Chinese restaurant where we get duck soup. So all in all, a win win
Im home now, clean from the out doors (trying to put in my effort in my hygiene) and while I feel relatively "ok" I am also anxious and afraid.
I told my father I'm afraid of him and everyone in the family abandoning me. He was sure he'd never, but, I fear the longer I dive deep into my trauma work I will inevitably reveal things my family won't like. I dont know when that day will come but, it will
I want to remind myself that just because I might feel "ok" does not mean that I am actually "ok" and life is filled with uncertainty. New problems and situations will arise, and I will be forced to deal with uncomfortable things. I know it's best to deal with things as they come, but I am constantly afraid. Afraid that I will come across situations in which I'll want to CTB
And that will inevitably happen
Despite my issues dealing with the children, communicating with my co workers, and learning from my mistakes, this is the first work environment that I actually enjoy
It rained pretty hard in the afternoon. My manager called me on the walkie to send me home and hour early. She knows my commute is far (an hour by transit) and she wanted me to be home before the rain got worse
I called my father after and, surprisingly, he was on his way to pick me up via car. He figured since it was raining he wanted to pick me up as a surprise. And the area I work in is also close by to Chinese restaurant where we get duck soup. So all in all, a win win
Im home now, clean from the out doors (trying to put in my effort in my hygiene) and while I feel relatively "ok" I am also anxious and afraid.
I told my father I'm afraid of him and everyone in the family abandoning me. He was sure he'd never, but, I fear the longer I dive deep into my trauma work I will inevitably reveal things my family won't like. I dont know when that day will come but, it will
I want to remind myself that just because I might feel "ok" does not mean that I am actually "ok" and life is filled with uncertainty. New problems and situations will arise, and I will be forced to deal with uncomfortable things. I know it's best to deal with things as they come, but I am constantly afraid. Afraid that I will come across situations in which I'll want to CTB
And that will inevitably happen
