Venting when is it my birthday?

[melonpan]

When you're on sites like these, put in wards and programs, sent to therapy, you almost feel that nearly everyone has an issue and thus yours are nonexistent. But, a majority of people don't want to die.
Even when I was younger, I had wished to die albeit for varying reasons over time. On my birthdays or the days after, I'd be wondering when I'd die or declaring to myself that I would kill myself; of course, that didn't happen. When I was in elementary school, I told myself that I'd end my life before I'd have to grow up and enter middle school, same thing applied when I was about to go to high school/when I started. Now I'm a freshman in college and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or supposed to do.
Why did I have such thoughts even when I was younger? I lived pampered, I had a good life, my parents always supported me no matter what, they never pushed expectations on me, gave me everything I could ever want and need yet, I pay them back by trying to die: why?
I am starting to become convinced I'm some sort of demon or evil spirit (maybe I watch too many movies…) sent here just to ruin the life of everyone I know because it doesn't make sense how such good parents could birth such a terrible child.
I still don't feel like I've grown up. I'm going to be 19 soon but I still feel like that 12 year old little boy looking out the window and debating jumping to my death for the sole reason: I wish to stay 12 forever.

 

[Ethel]

Problems are always valid,no matter what they are,that's why they are considered Problems after all

Being a adult is somewhat scary since no one teaches you about it and most adults don't even know how to be adults also...but,as long as you can find a type of happiness of your own,not the happiness of others,you could become a decent enough grown-up,don't be afraid of mistake and things,it's life overall (being a kind of mistake) and afterall

 

[AbyssalAlien]

The environment outside of your home may be the reason why you yearn for death. What I mean is, you might be unsatisfied with the status quo. Going to school, getting a diploma, choosing college or trade, work a job until you retire or die. When you really break down the human condition for your average person, are you really any different than a worker ant?

Perhaps you should consider finding the exact cause for why you yearn for death. It wont get better at this rate.

 

[melonpan]

The environment outside of your home may be the reason why you yearn for death. What I mean is, you might be unsatisfied with the status quo. Going to school, getting a diploma, choosing college or trade, work a job until you retire or die. When you really break down the human condition for your average person, are you really any different than a worker ant?

Perhaps you should consider finding the exact cause for why you yearn for death. It wont get better at this rate.

I think what you described might be the partial reason for it
Life almost seems as if I'm just following some sort of storybook, growing up, working, having a family and what's not, it doesn't seem like it's mine. I guess the idea of a monotonous world sounds well, lifeless, to me, however at the same time, I get anxious when it's too unpredictable and my first thought to solve it is acting impulsively so I already have control over the "unpredictability"
Bunch of contradictions right here

Problems are always valid,no matter what they are,that's why they are considered Problems after all

Being a adult is somewhat scary since no one teaches you about it and most adults don't even know how to be adults also...but,as long as you can find a type of happiness of your own,not the happiness of others,you could become a decent enough grown-up,don't be afraid of mistake and things,it's life overall (being a kind of mistake) and afterall

It's hard when everyone else seems to be doing so much better off than me, that everyone else has an idea of being a teenager and being an adult except me, I'm just here, existing

 

[Rudi]

When you're on sites like these, put in wards and programs, sent to therapy, you almost feel that nearly everyone has an issue and thus yours are nonexistent. But, a majority of people don't want to die.
Even when I was younger, I had wished to die albeit for varying reasons over time. On my birthdays or the days after, I'd be wondering when I'd die or declaring to myself that I would kill myself; of course, that didn't happen. When I was in elementary school, I told myself that I'd end my life before I'd have to grow up and enter middle school, same thing applied when I was about to go to high school/when I started. Now I'm a freshman in college and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or supposed to do.
Why did I have such thoughts even when I was younger? I lived pampered, I had a good life, my parents always supported me no matter what, they never pushed expectations on me, gave me everything I could ever want and need yet, I pay them back by trying to die: why?
I am starting to become convinced I'm some sort of demon or evil spirit (maybe I watch too many movies…) sent here just to ruin the life of everyone I know because it doesn't make sense how such good parents could birth such a terrible child.
I still don't feel like I've grown up. I'm going to be 19 soon but I still feel like that 12 year old little boy looking out the window and debating jumping to my death for the sole reason: I wish to stay 12 forever.

I always feel so good when I notice that I'm not the only one when I see people I can relate to.
Overtime you'll learn how to manage with it, everything takes time. I've learnt that every feeling we experience is a phase, which we'll never know how long it's going to last, and some of these phases stay in some part of our heart - it makes us, us.

I know you wish to stay 12 forever, but look forward, who knows what great things your mind is going to come up with soon that you could do, and that could be anything.

One last thing, your feelings are valid. I feel the same, I also feel like a terrible child that got raised by parents even though it's not true, we just like telling ourselves that.

You got this, stay strong!