This post resonated with me.
I can be so cutting.
I go back to my understanding that anger is a response to having boundaries crossed. I get cutting when my boundaries have been seriously crossed and I have not been heard, acknowledged, and understood. I have to be pushed to the point that I shred someone with honesty.
I'm at the point now that I do desire well-being even for those who have harmed me, because if someone has well-being, they don't need or want to harm others. If they are aware of others, and if they have well-being, then they are likely to not harm them. If they are in a good place, they will act from that place. If they are in a bad place, they are more likely to act from that place.
That doesn't change that I am angry, hurt, and have resentment, but it brings me some balance. It tones down some of emotional charge. Sometimes I didn't even experience something as trauma, but it was still injustice, still abuse, still wrong. So I both hate them as the embodiment of what they did, and wish for their wellness and wholeness. It's that challenge for me of holding two opposing thoughts. I truly want goodness for everyone. I wanted it before they harmed me. And I have hatred and resentment toward them. So both stances are genuine, both equally worthy of being given attention and honored. Repression only makes something grow, and then it heads toward being unmanageable.
I had to arrive at that place of wishing for their well-being on my own. I don't do disengenous. It's like being forced to give an apology that doesn't come from the heart. I don't know that I'll ever get to the place of truly forgiving and feeling no hate, but I like where I am now. I'm more understanding without it feeling forced. I'm more genuinely compassionate -- I have empathy for root causes, for doing mindless things because of being caught in illusions, for how all humans suffer and do fucked-up things because of it. I get frustrated, too, because they don't have the desire or maybe even the ability to wake the fuck up from what they're doing. But I know that if there is a soul, their soul is more wounded by what they did than the harm they did me. Whatever that essence is, it is not healthy if it's caught in illusions. Seneca said, "It is more wretched to harm than to be harmed." Gautama said to enjoy suffering is not freedom from suffering -- that makes me think of people who abuse and get off on it, who experienced or witnessed abuse and because of how they processed it, because they didn't have boundaries against it, they in turn get gratification from it; it's perversion, it's a sickness of spirit. Having been on the receiving end, I know it is sickness because it feels sick. Such actions are not a sign of health, even if the perpetrator feels good and does not experience regret. That to me is saddening and sickening, and I wish for their healing, which would be for the well-being of all.
I've learned that forgiveness means no longer holding something and it no longer holds me. It's not some spiritual thing, it's not being saintly, it's not about something "higher." I sometimes forgive -- let go of blame and being held by the harmful act and all that went with it -- over and over. It's not a one-time thing but a process of getting free from it. It's challenging when there is no hope of the person ever making the effort to reconcile, to set things right. It's even harder if I cared about that person and they were supposed to care about me, or had a responsibility to me. I reject owning another's action, but they don't own it either, so it's like it keeps coming back to me like a lost dog that needs to be cared for; it's their dog, but they don't take responsibility for it, and just when I'm okay with having let that dog go, it shows up on my doorstep again. I reject it all over again, and in that is resentment.
Therefore, as I process this in writing it out, I don't think resentment is necessarily unhealthy. I think it's self-protective, truly protecting the self, like bristles on a porcupine. I'd much rather be in a safe place where my bristles don't have to be up, but I'm glad that I have them, and if they're up, maybe that's as much of a helpful sign and an ally like anger is. It's only a problem when it gains the force of passion and pushes to unwise actions that will come back and bite me, not the other person, such that I could lose something, like my freedom or a privilege or self-respect, because I crossed a line. It's one thing for anger and resentment to be in the car and sound an alarm, another when they climb over from the back seat and try to drive the car. They have poor navigation skills, are short-sighted, and have lead feet. But I think if the bristles are up, it's something to pay attention to and honor. I don't think it's good to try to force them down, or to listen to someone who says to put them down. They're trying to protect themselves or someone else by being a flying monkey, rather than validating that the bristles exist and are raised for good reason. Even if it's a PTSD reaction, perhaps a hyperbolic reaction to what's happening, what's happening still isn't right or the bristles wouldn't be up. They're a problem when they're driving the car with anger or resentment, because one isn't in a place of awareness and self-control.
All of this is helping me process. Maybe you'll get something from it, too. I'm thinking about some situations that in the past I would have experienced as ungrounding, if not outright traumatizing. Different situations come to mind. A few years ago, I was physically assaulted. I remained present the whole time. It sucked, but I stayed aware and relatively grounded. A couple of months ago, I got free of having to deal with someone in a position of power whose actions were those of a sociopath, who blatantly lied on a regular basis, knowing it was blatant, stole from me, and got away with it. I stayed aware the whole time. He didn't steal from my soul -- from my goodness and from my self. Neither of those men did. I am not traumatized. I hate what they did, I have some resentment, but I don't truly hate them because they didn't take my power, I kept it safe from them. I stay the fuck away from them, I have a safe distance from them and will keep it, but I also see that they are human and if they truly knew who I am, and if they truly knew and felt safe to be connected with their own good and vulnerable human selves, and if they were truly aware of themselves as well as the vulnerable and good presence of others like myself, they would not have done what they did. I kept my power! I genuinely hope they are blessed in some way that helps them get out of illusions.
Perhaps when I feel strong hate and resentment it's because that person through their actions not only had power, but had power over my power -- like my mother did when I was young, and that's why it was trauma. The more internal power I get, the less I hate, and the more I see clearly, remain aware and fully present even when things suck, and can have compassion. Our buddy Brené says the most compassionate people are the most boundaried, and I'm getting more and more how that's true.
There's someone in my life right now who hates my boundaries, and he's starting to show that he resents and hates me (people are their boundaries, so if he hates my boundaries, he hates me). Rather than giving up my no and appeasing him (it's not a sexual thing when I say no, I just mean the boundary I've set that he keeps trying to override or get me to lower), I'm holding firm, and I don't hate him, but am calmly considering how to deal with him without being disengenous or trying to manipulate him just to feel comfortable. I'm maintaining my power. I may not win the battle he's started to wage, but I'm maintaining my position and my self. I unfortunately can't just kick him out of my life. Maybe this time, even if I don't have victory in this battle he's started in response to my boundary, I won't feel any hate or bristly grrrr when it's over.
Thank you for posting. It's one of those posts where I really got something out of seeing my own stuff in someone else's and worked through some of it. I hope that it benefitted you as well and wasn't me just doing my thing when the thread is about you. I hope you get some benefit from my sharing as I got benefit from you sharing.