CTB. Cease to breathe? That's what I'll do when I finish this story. Thanks for the admins acceptance. Here's my story. It's not a very good one.
I don't think leaving a note is a good thing. But I for sure want to write down what is essentially nothing more than energy forcing me to think.
I'm laid here. On my Dad's soda. I'm 6 ft 3 and after a while having your legs raised most of the time begins to hurt. It hurts not only because of the sharp pain but because I can't sleep. I can't switch off.
Not without the alcohol anyways .you'd think weed would help. But I've been stoned since 13. Maybe that's the issue. I know the issue. OCD thoughts and depression. It didn't even start with suicidal thoughts. But they have put me on that path. And now it's worse because I can't get it out my head.
Its 8.04am right now. I've just sparked a spliff and downed some whisky. I've been drunk for 3 days. And asleep as much as I can. 3.5g has lasted me 4 days this time. Usually it lasts two days. The mix of alcohol helps sleep. It is pukka Amsterdam import though.
Anyways my story. Hopefully this doesn't have me admitted again. But I should be gone by then. I'm certainly not cut out for jail.
Growing up my parents were always fighting. Up to the point they divorced. The rest of my family were always two faced and never really supportive. I struggle with memory. But I do remember my now known stepdad who's sofa I'm writing this from taking a spark plug from my Mum's car to stop her driving drunk. I stood by my Mum at the time and tried to get it back. I didn't know any better. I was young not understanding the consequences for drink driving.
After they split. My Mum sat me down and told me that the person A was not my real Dad and it wad another. We often went down to a local club to play bingo and mini tote. My Mum offered for me to meet my real Dad J .I accepted. He was in the tap room and I was in the other side. He didn't wanna know me due to his now wife not knowing.
I always stood by my Mum. Even fighting off several fully grown men when I was young at one time as they threatened to damage her car over a pub dispute. I've always been a good scrapper too. Not that I look for fights however. But I will if the opportunity arises.
She's an amazing woman. But in telling her about my suicidal thoughts and in anger and stress and anxiety I've pushed her away.
My grandad is ill right now and has to carry oxygen with him. And she's giving him all her time. Which is only natural and considering how hard the loss of my Nan was, I feel she is trying to be there as much as she can.
I watched my Nan pass. She wasn't given any injection to calm her down. She just suffocated it was heartwrenching but I held my Mum and saw through it. As much as I didn't wanna see it.
Kinda like me now. But mentally not physically .Suffocated. I hate this word. Suffocated.
In 2013, I got into an argument in a pub and left in the car. Stupidly. I was pulled over and banned for drink driving. Rightly so. However unbeknown to me this would affect my future. It was just a joke at the time and I didn't care.
We returned from a festival one love the day before court. And j found it that funny that I drove to court and parked in their car park knowing I shouldn't have drove away. But I got a 12 month ban, £370 fine. And drove out the car park after surrendering my license.
I'm 26 now by the way. And I now want to drive. Rather than typing this I should be heading to a job. But although my license is clean of points I fear the drink drive will show up. I haven't been looking after myself either so I look a mess.
I met a guy Danny. I thought the world of this fella. He was an idiot. But his heart was gold. Absolute sesh head aswell. But high functioning. He was the best pal I ever had.
He cared. And I cared about him too. He was once made homeless and I took him in. Well. I kinda needed him. We took drugs. Fought battles. And won wars together. He was and still is m best friend.
I went to his grave following recent events which I'll get to. Had a fat line and a big spliff. He'd want me to remember the good times
Guy was found dead shortly after moving to Aberdeen for a highly paid job. He put a lot of effort into that job. The training everything. He turned his life around. Then it was gone.
I like to think I know. He did a lot of fucking coke. And there was no sign of self harm. Well. The family won't release any info. But I think he may have pulled up for a line that was too much. If you're driving you may use the vice to "give your head a wobble" to focus and see straight. I don't know what happened. But he was my best mate and I didn't even know until 3 months after when I split with a partner and tried to call him over a few days. Voicemail. Facebook bam he was dead with no answers.
This story seems a mess. I've loads more to write. I'll be back to finish before. There's a lot more to it .I just don't wanna lose what I've typed and I am passing out to sleep from the alcohol and smoke .
I don't think leaving a note is a good thing. But I for sure want to write down what is essentially nothing more than energy forcing me to think.
I'm laid here. On my Dad's soda. I'm 6 ft 3 and after a while having your legs raised most of the time begins to hurt. It hurts not only because of the sharp pain but because I can't sleep. I can't switch off.
Not without the alcohol anyways .you'd think weed would help. But I've been stoned since 13. Maybe that's the issue. I know the issue. OCD thoughts and depression. It didn't even start with suicidal thoughts. But they have put me on that path. And now it's worse because I can't get it out my head.
Its 8.04am right now. I've just sparked a spliff and downed some whisky. I've been drunk for 3 days. And asleep as much as I can. 3.5g has lasted me 4 days this time. Usually it lasts two days. The mix of alcohol helps sleep. It is pukka Amsterdam import though.
Anyways my story. Hopefully this doesn't have me admitted again. But I should be gone by then. I'm certainly not cut out for jail.
Growing up my parents were always fighting. Up to the point they divorced. The rest of my family were always two faced and never really supportive. I struggle with memory. But I do remember my now known stepdad who's sofa I'm writing this from taking a spark plug from my Mum's car to stop her driving drunk. I stood by my Mum at the time and tried to get it back. I didn't know any better. I was young not understanding the consequences for drink driving.
After they split. My Mum sat me down and told me that the person A was not my real Dad and it wad another. We often went down to a local club to play bingo and mini tote. My Mum offered for me to meet my real Dad J .I accepted. He was in the tap room and I was in the other side. He didn't wanna know me due to his now wife not knowing.
I always stood by my Mum. Even fighting off several fully grown men when I was young at one time as they threatened to damage her car over a pub dispute. I've always been a good scrapper too. Not that I look for fights however. But I will if the opportunity arises.
She's an amazing woman. But in telling her about my suicidal thoughts and in anger and stress and anxiety I've pushed her away.
My grandad is ill right now and has to carry oxygen with him. And she's giving him all her time. Which is only natural and considering how hard the loss of my Nan was, I feel she is trying to be there as much as she can.
I watched my Nan pass. She wasn't given any injection to calm her down. She just suffocated it was heartwrenching but I held my Mum and saw through it. As much as I didn't wanna see it.
Kinda like me now. But mentally not physically .Suffocated. I hate this word. Suffocated.
In 2013, I got into an argument in a pub and left in the car. Stupidly. I was pulled over and banned for drink driving. Rightly so. However unbeknown to me this would affect my future. It was just a joke at the time and I didn't care.
We returned from a festival one love the day before court. And j found it that funny that I drove to court and parked in their car park knowing I shouldn't have drove away. But I got a 12 month ban, £370 fine. And drove out the car park after surrendering my license.
I'm 26 now by the way. And I now want to drive. Rather than typing this I should be heading to a job. But although my license is clean of points I fear the drink drive will show up. I haven't been looking after myself either so I look a mess.
I met a guy Danny. I thought the world of this fella. He was an idiot. But his heart was gold. Absolute sesh head aswell. But high functioning. He was the best pal I ever had.
He cared. And I cared about him too. He was once made homeless and I took him in. Well. I kinda needed him. We took drugs. Fought battles. And won wars together. He was and still is m best friend.
I went to his grave following recent events which I'll get to. Had a fat line and a big spliff. He'd want me to remember the good times
Guy was found dead shortly after moving to Aberdeen for a highly paid job. He put a lot of effort into that job. The training everything. He turned his life around. Then it was gone.
I like to think I know. He did a lot of fucking coke. And there was no sign of self harm. Well. The family won't release any info. But I think he may have pulled up for a line that was too much. If you're driving you may use the vice to "give your head a wobble" to focus and see straight. I don't know what happened. But he was my best mate and I didn't even know until 3 months after when I split with a partner and tried to call him over a few days. Voicemail. Facebook bam he was dead with no answers.
This story seems a mess. I've loads more to write. I'll be back to finish before. There's a lot more to it .I just don't wanna lose what I've typed and I am passing out to sleep from the alcohol and smoke .
