Venting When I CTB

[Dear Flabby]

There are many reasons why I will CTB soon.

Most of them have to do with physical health problems and chronic pain.

The reason that I am most ashamed of is that my daughter, now age 32, hates me.

She has a son, a lovely boy who is now age 9. I've seen him a few times.

She believes that I was a terrible mother.

She is correct.

BPD and PTSD rendered me incapable of being a competent parent.

I was not diagnosed until I was in my 50's, and so she never stood a chance.

This is the thing that haunts me.

Every day, on this site, I read the words of children who suffered at the hands of parents like me.

I know that the sooner that I leave this earth, the sooner goodness and kindness will be restored. I have no place here.

At one time, I was sad that I didn't ever get to see my grandson, but now I am proud of my daughter for setting firm boundaries that exclude me.

When I CTB, I know that I have made the best decision for my family. That is a relief.

 

[faust]

I think most of the parents can't really admit they did wrong to their children.
But you found strength and capability to admit it. I think that is definitely worth to be respected...
I know there are no good or bad reasons to CTB and I am sorry you are going through this in your life.
Does your child know you have a bad mental health?

 

[Dear Flabby]

I think most of the parents can't really admit they did wrong to their children.
But you found strength and capability to admit it. I think that is definitely worth to be respected...
I know there are no good or bad reasons to CTB and I am sorry you are going through this in your life.
Does your child know you have a bad mental health?

Yes. She is a social worker. She has misdiagnosed me, which is sad. She won't meet on common ground in a place safe for her, with a mediator, because her diagnosis puts me beyond hope. I suggested this in 2017.
Thank you for asking. It eases the devastation.

 

[faust]

Yes. She is a social worker. She has misdiagnosed me, which is sad. She won't meet on common ground in a place safe for her, with a mediator, because her diagnosis puts me beyond hope. I suggested this in 2017.
Thank you for asking. It eases the devastation.

Unfortunately you cannot change the past, but you can send a long message/letter of your apologies and regrets to your daughter. This will still be better than a silence. At least your daughter will know that no matter what happened between you, you are still capable of having feelings and regrets. It is never too late to say "sorry". And it is never too late to forgive.

 

[Dear Flabby]

Unfortunately you cannot change the past, but you can send a long message/letter of your apologies and regrets to your daughter. This will still be better than a silence. At least your daughter will know that no matter what happened between you, you are still capable of having feelings and regrets. It is never too late to say "sorry". And it is never too late to forgive.

That is my intent.
Thank you, @faust

 

[faust]

That is my intent.
Thank you, @faust

Wish you a good luck in whatever you do

 

[Lost in a Dream]

It really sucks that mental illness causes well-meaning people to have a toxic effect on others without even knowing about it at the time. I know the feeling because my own issues have caused other people to cut me out of their lives for this same reason. By the time people in our situation even realize what has happened, it's too late to fix anything and then we end up feeling terrible about it, even though it was out of our control to begin with.

I really wish that you didn't have to go through this with your own daughter, of all people. I agree with Faust that admitting to having done wrong is definitely respectable, but it's still sad that things had to be this way. If I could magically fix it all for you I would, but I don't have that ability, so maybe sending the apology letter like Faust suggested will help. I wish you the best.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Every day, on this site, I read the words of children who suffered at the hands of parents like me.

I read once in an abuse recovery book about a person who wanted to make amends with her sister, but could not contact her because it would make things worse. Another person heard her confession, remorse, and desire to make amends, and replied to her, "My brother abused me, but I feel such a weight lifted from hearing your words. So you've made amends to me." Amends means setting something right that one knocked over in another. As @faust said, most parents can't admit they did wrong to their children, and such are my parents. I accept your admitting, your remorse, and your desire to make amends, it helps me to know that even though my parents never will, it is possible to do so. That helps to dispel some of the insanity of their skewed perspective that stubbornly tries to cling to me. Thank you.

At one time, I was sad that I didn't ever get to see my grandson, but now I am proud of my daughter for setting firm boundaries that exclude me.

I'm sending you a lot of respect for this. In my own healing process, arriving at acceptance and reality, I've recognized when people set a boundary against me in the past when I was behaving in toxic ways, and although it hurt at the time, I have healed and matured to the point that I respect and honor their having done so. I have since learned that if someone respects and loves me, they respect and love my boundaries; if they hate or reject my boundaries or autonomy, they hate or reject me. In a way, we are our boundaries. So while you hurt, I think you also show great maturity, integrity, inner strength, and genuine love for your daughter in accepting her boundary and being proud of her for it.

When I CTB, I know that I have made the best decision for my family. That is a relief.

I don't know enough of you or your story to make any kind of accurate judgment, but from what I've read here, I think respecting and maintaining no contact is the best decision. You have come so far, I do not see that the world will be better for you no longer being in it; the world is better with people who have and use their inner strength to strive for and achieve the awareness and integrity that you have. And I don't know your family, but I can imagine maintaining no contact would bring more peace than would news of your ctb.



Thank you for being so vulnerable and brave as to share some of your story here.

If you want it, sending you a hug full of warmth, gratitude, and respect.

 

[Dear Flabby]

Thank you @GoodPersonEffed.
Your posts about your childhood, and your insightful and compassionate responses to others have helped me understand so much.
Your words are a gift beyond gold.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you @GoodPersonEffed.
Your posts about your childhood, and your insightful and compassionate responses to others have helped me understand so much.
Your words are a gift beyond gold.

Well then, shit, you'll know how rare this is for me:

Speechless.


Okay, almost speechless (still rare):

Wow. I'm humbled. Thank you.

*blush* and ((((hug))))

 

[Deleted member 1465]

There are many reasons why I will CTB soon.

Most of them have to do with physical health problems and chronic pain.

The reason that I am most ashamed of is that my daughter, now age 32, hates me.

She has a son, a lovely boy who is now age 9. I've seen him a few times.

She believes that I was a terrible mother.

She is correct.

BPD and PTSD rendered me incapable of being a competent parent.

I was not diagnosed until I was in my 50's, and so she never stood a chance.

This is the thing that haunts me.

Every day, on this site, I read the words of children who suffered at the hands of parents like me.

I know that the sooner that I leave this earth, the sooner goodness and kindness will be restored. I have no place here.

At one time, I was sad that I didn't ever get to see my grandson, but now I am proud of my daughter for setting firm boundaries that exclude me.

When I CTB, I know that I have made the best decision for my family. That is a relief.

I don't really have anything to add that's of any use. I've read the responses on here and you appear to be very straight in your head with things. I wish I could be more like that. Your acceptance is humbling. I still don't want you to go because I'll miss you.

 

[Dear Flabby]

I don't really have anything to add that's of any use. I've read the responses on here and you appear to be very straight in your head with things. I wish I could be more like that. Your acceptance is humbling. I still don't want you to go because I'll miss you.

Dear Undies, (erm, @Underscore)
I will miss you, too.
Peace and hugs,
Flabs

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Dear Undies, (erm, @Underscore)

Ooh, is Underscore's nickname going to be Undies now?