Discussion When & how did you realize you are ready to ctb

[Chemi]

I think many of us are asking ourselves the question often, whether or not we are ready to ctb.
What made you realize in the past it was your time, and did you still have doubts at that point?
Also, for people who haven't reached that point before, what do you think you would feel like shortly before trying to ctb?
Were you anxious? doubtful? excited? happy?
If you changed your mind shortly before or during it, what made you change your mind?

 

[peewee]

im there, just waiting for the supplies. idk, just realising how horrible my situation is, how lonely and abandoned i am. how no one really cares, and that im not enough, and people will secretly be releived when im dead

 

[Chemi]

im there, just waiting for the supplies. idk, just realising how horrible my situation is, how lonely and abandoned i am. how no one really cares, and that im not enough, and people will secretly be releived when im dead

Are you excited about your supplies arriving, or are you feeling more sad that you were forced into this situation by your surroundings? (Forced was an assumption on my side after reading your message. Please correct me if I misunderstood you.)

 

[UserFromNowhere]

The closest I ever got to suicide never got to being an actual attempt. I didn't feel anxious. I did try to reach out to someone and got lucky they responded, but there was no anxiety, it turned into a simple either or dilemma; a gamble with death where I would've gone through with it had they not responded. One could say I wasn't ready to CTB after all, they would be right, but it became a very real possibility.

 

[Chemi]

I think it is only fair for me to share as well.

I had one very serious attempt. Choose a date and spend months preparing everything. Most times during the preparation phase, I felt like I was just a spectator in my own body heading towards my destiny. Just existing on autopilot. Once i got closer to my chosen date, the numbness slowly turned into excitement. So much so that I actually couldn't resist it anymore and attempted about a week before I planned.

The method was a mix of different pills, including opiates. Taking them felt kinda surreal. I was shaking from anxiety and feeling very lightheaded, almost detached from reality, but at the same time very relieved and excited. Like a huge burden is falling off my shoulders. I don't remember much of what happened between taking the final pills and falling asleep.

I think I woke up multiple times to throw up or just had glimpses of consciousness. When exactly I woke up, I don't remember. I lost my sense of time completely.
I remember feeling extremely peaceful. No worries, no thoughts, just existing, almost floating. I don't remember feeling my body much. No pain or discomfort, even though I apparently threw up "quite a lot" of blood (description from my mother).

I later woke up in a hospital bed after a few days had passed. Got apparently reanimated and fixed up after my mother smelled the vomit. Worst hangover I ever had. Felt like total shit and very weak for multiple weeks. Can not recommend :D

Besides that, I tried to OD on different drugs and pills, but I don't consider those as a serious attempt. More like gambling.

I guess, being ready felt like nothing for the most part. For me, it just became another chore I needed to get done.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

For me, ready isn't a feeling, it's a decision. And I've decided to go ahead and do it. And the decision makes me feel ready. I let myself feel the spiritual fatigue. I feel the exhaustion that 'hope' brings. The burden of having to re-engage with life one more time. To have to enter into a painful, Schopenhauerian existence of understanding life and trying to navigate it in spite of how I feel and what I know. Those things make me ready. I just don't have the energy left to give this life. I'm escaping this nightmare while there's still some part of me left worth saving.

 

[FuneralCry]

The peace of non-existence is all I'm ready for, it's all I want, I'd never wish for this torturous, dreadful existence that just causes and brings all this suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much agony one can feel and for me non-existence is just all that's positive.

Only non-existence can solve and take away what I see as the true problem which is existence itself, I find it so horrible how a human can be tortured in this existence for decades longer just waiting to die just to face the agony of old age, all I want is to be permanently unconscious free from all pain and suffering, I only continue to suffer as a result of being so cruelly denied the option to cease existing peacefully and never exist again.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I've had a few failed attempts but I will discuss 1 of them. I've always being suicidal to be honest, just didn't know when (always knew how). I had a terrible day and the thought of waking up again to all my chaos became unbearable. The decision was finally made, I was leaving that night.

It's so hard to explain but once the decision was made, I was so happy! I remember getting everything prepared and overwhelmed with pure bliss. Of course you have the other emotions but happiness was the biggest one. I said my final prayers and asked to be forgiven as I tried so hard but I couldn't go on anymore. I attempted.

I woke up initially confused. I guess we all wonder what's next if anything? I was in bed confused and disoriented. Once I realized I was still here, all the negative emotions and anger begin to hit me like a ton of bricks. Then the sickness started, the vomiting, headaches, stomachache, etc. It seemed to last all night! It would be years later and I'd find myself here..again..and again.

It's nothing glamorous, it's nothing beautiful, there were no white lights, no dreams and all that movie stuff. It's overall a very lonely and sad place to be. Will I try again? I doubt it. The repercussions for a failed attempt isn't fair. It's embarrassing and people simply don't understand us. I really wish I could do more to help our community! We are often lonely, isolated and have nobody to discuss our issues with. Hopefully, we all will find peace soon

 

[martyrdom]

I felt I was ready quite immediately after a particular event, and that belief has been unshakeable since. When I actually made my attempts, in each one, the belief and emotions didn't change. I felt no anxiety and no doubt. No hesitation, just a practical focus on how to do it each time and an expectation of the result.
It's worth noting I was never suicidal before that particular event, my life was good. So this was a very rapid shift and a conscious, calculated, rational decision, not one that has come from lifelong depression or anything.

 

[hmnow]

Ever since I was a teenager when I made a serous attempt I have know I will die by hanging Never considered another option

 

[peewee]

Are you excited about your supplies arriving, or are you feeling more sad that you were forced into this situation by your surroundings? (Forced was an assumption on my side after reading your message. Please correct me if I misunderstood you.)

hey, i dont know, im anxious to have them with me, im mostly really sad yea i feel like ive been forced into it