N
noname223
Angelic
- Aug 18, 2020
- 4,831
Some people called me smart. But I will never be as smart as I want me to be. And I am exaggerating my intelligence by using sophisticated language at least in my native language. I try to learn new technical terms every single day. And I try to educate myself. But I have the feeling it is a rat race. Someone with a much higher IQ could read/consume way more than me in a way shorter time period. I am pretty deep, eloquent and thoughtful. My humor can be witty. But the one thing I really would like to be exceptionally smart I am simply not. And I am a fraud for faking it.
I met this quantum scientists and he crashed any metric I could ever imagine. He even started a start-up (in a different field) besides of his university career. He saw through my charade after 5 minutes. Lmao. I impressed him with my introspection though. It does hurt my ego that he did not consider me smart. But I try to calm me down with the following reasoning:
He is like a world cup player, champions league final niveau. If you like playing soccer in your free time and you enjoy it and you want that other people are impressed by your skills don't compare yourself with Ronaldo all the time. Such comparisons are not good for one's self-esteem.
I pretty much impressed him by my introspection and thoughtfulness when I opened up about my mind. I think he considered me quite smart elaborating on that. Other psychiatrists were also very impressed by that. It is ironic my autistic quirk politics obsession is probably not my best field. But I would not have wanted to become a psychiatrist or psychologist. I lack the necessary real life compassion and empathy. It would have been the wrong job. I think my societal analyses are not really the best/ a little bit superficial. But I think I am pretty good at reading myself and at explaining why I turned out like that. After impressing the quantum scientist he worried about me because my conclusion was that I gonna commit suicide eventually. I played stupid and acted like I was not aware of inter-subjectivity and negative biases caused by depression. In fact therapists have come to the same conclusions as me (rational suicde in my case) but I never told him that. I did not want that he worries about me. It was noble of me but I would have been so curious about his reply if I openly said that to him. He would have looked pretty stupid because his replies would have been quite cynical. He treated me like I was stupid not to listen to my therapists. So on the one said he was annoyed by me making predictions. And on the other side he considers me stupid because I don't listen to my therapists who considered me a hopeless case/made these predictions themselves.
I know I am WAY too obsessed by him. He lives in my head without paying any rent. I know that is so weird. And sort of scary.
I met this quantum scientists and he crashed any metric I could ever imagine. He even started a start-up (in a different field) besides of his university career. He saw through my charade after 5 minutes. Lmao. I impressed him with my introspection though. It does hurt my ego that he did not consider me smart. But I try to calm me down with the following reasoning:
He is like a world cup player, champions league final niveau. If you like playing soccer in your free time and you enjoy it and you want that other people are impressed by your skills don't compare yourself with Ronaldo all the time. Such comparisons are not good for one's self-esteem.
I pretty much impressed him by my introspection and thoughtfulness when I opened up about my mind. I think he considered me quite smart elaborating on that. Other psychiatrists were also very impressed by that. It is ironic my autistic quirk politics obsession is probably not my best field. But I would not have wanted to become a psychiatrist or psychologist. I lack the necessary real life compassion and empathy. It would have been the wrong job. I think my societal analyses are not really the best/ a little bit superficial. But I think I am pretty good at reading myself and at explaining why I turned out like that. After impressing the quantum scientist he worried about me because my conclusion was that I gonna commit suicide eventually. I played stupid and acted like I was not aware of inter-subjectivity and negative biases caused by depression. In fact therapists have come to the same conclusions as me (rational suicde in my case) but I never told him that. I did not want that he worries about me. It was noble of me but I would have been so curious about his reply if I openly said that to him. He would have looked pretty stupid because his replies would have been quite cynical. He treated me like I was stupid not to listen to my therapists. So on the one said he was annoyed by me making predictions. And on the other side he considers me stupid because I don't listen to my therapists who considered me a hopeless case/made these predictions themselves.
I know I am WAY too obsessed by him. He lives in my head without paying any rent. I know that is so weird. And sort of scary.