Venting When do we enjoy the moment

[ihavetoleave]

I've always been terrible at being in the moment, taking things as they come, enjoying things for what they are in the present. As a child and an adult we have so many things we have to do, so many rat races to run, it gets more and more complicated the older we get and the more we have to take on our plate. For a nervous/stressed personality like me there is no break, there is no escape, the only time things were manageable was when I was maybe four or five years old but it quickly became too much in the following years.

In a perfect universe there would be a time after death when things would be static, when you could do what you wanted to and reflect and be at peace with everything, no matter how many mistakes you made in life. But realistically there is nothing after death, so we spent the majority of our time here on this planet stressed and then nothing, it all ends. What kind of existence is this? Where is the break if it doesn't even occur after death? It all feels so hopeless no matter what.

 

[WornOutLife]

This existence certainly sucks.
As you said, the older you get, the worse it becomes.

I'm 33 and I've had enough. I'll leave soon.

 

[TooMuchToBear]

I totally relate. That's how I feel as well about having always more to deal with, about everything becoming so complicated and sophisticated as you grow up. 32 here. This is the kind of thought that makes me hopeless for the future. It's like I can kind of survive if I live in a very minimalistic way but then what's the point ? I then develop some kind of anxiety and OCD on trying to make things as simple as possible and then my brain burns out because it makes things.... complicated (absolutely crazy right?!). Or
I feel angry and bitter because stifled and oppresses by having to reduce possibilities.... So whichever approach I'm in pain anyway. Then I look at all the 'normal' people dealing with much more than I do in a seemingly effortless way and it depresses me even more, makes me feel like a retarded. Makes me feel like my brain is not wired for the world we live in.

 

[AutoTap]

I think that we humans evolved to much where it is actually detrimental to us in a way.

As example most people with mental health issues tend to be high IQ.

Also we have bypassed certain things in nature which limits removing flaws from gene pool which means that more then normal will have illnesses.

 

[TooMuchToBear]

To endure life like an hamster running in a wheel is unbearable. I often feel like a kid that's desperately waiting for the school break. Like, as if there'll be a point in time where you've done enough and can really relax and be preoccupied by absolutely nothing because everything that had to be done is done.... when I realize the impossibility of it, it makes me really depressed.

 

[ihavetoleave]

To endure life like an hamster running in a wheel is unbearable. I often feel like a kid that's desperately waiting for the school break. Like, as if there'll be a point in time where you've done enough and can really relax and be preoccupied by absolutely nothing because everything that had to be done is done.... when I realize the impossibility of it, it makes me really depressed.

Exactly what I mean and what I struggle with. It is all hamster wheel running, and then nothing. This is why I used to do drugs for so long, so many years, to cope with this and to have moments to look forward to. It doesn't work out like I wanted it to, I am now not a normal person from years of this abuse and eight months without using anything I feel worse still. So many on this forum seem to have no trouble deciding enough is enough and choose to leave/CTB, that is just as scary and unrewarding to me as this life has been. So where is the relief, what is the point.

This existence certainly sucks.
As you said, the older you get, the worse it becomes.

I'm 33 and I've had enough. I'll leave soon.

I'm 39 and I've had way too much and I have really carrotted myself along with "rewards" like smoking or drinking etc. Now I can't do those things anymore where I am and with what I have left. You have a job again after almost leaving, how do you cope with it? How do you keep going and make progress as you have been?

 

[TooMuchToBear]

Exactly what I mean and what I struggle with. It is all hamster wheel running, and then nothing. This is why I used to do drugs for so long, so many years, to cope with this and to have moments to look forward to. It doesn't work out like I wanted it to, I am now not a normal person from years of this abuse and eight months without using anything I feel worse still. So many on this forum seem to have no trouble deciding enough is enough and choose to leave/CTB, that is just as scary and unrewarding to me as this life has been. So where is the relief, what is the point.

I can understand you did drugs because of that. I didnt but I remember the necessity of having to get completely wasted while partying at least once a week in college years, to release all the pressure. It would be like a relief and a way to get in touch with the magic of life, and being carefree. Now I don't do that anymore...
Been trying to cope otherwise and through healthier ways. Multiple forms of therapy, meditation, yoga, you name it.... meds. But then you know what? It just adds more to the list of 'have to's' or sources of anxiety of 'if I don't do that then I might fall apart'. I feel it's unfair I have to do all these efforts. I'm tired of all this. Ctb is still hard for me though.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

For me when I'm drinking (ends badly though) or when I'm running (can't do it too often though).

 

[ihavetoleave]

For me when I'm drinking (ends badly though) or when I'm running (can't do it too often though).

Yeah same, when I used to drink I would be a crazy person and do awful things. I would either remember or be told about it later and feel awful about it. Now that I am completely sober I am drenched in self shame about who I am and what I have done, no way to amend the mistakes of the past no matter how regretful I am. I used to work out or use a spinning bike, no way to go to a gym like before with where I live in the pandemic, and I had to leave my spinning bike behind when I had to leave my (now ex) partner behind with the cat and other things to large for me to move by myself. So I am drowning in mistakes and self shame, I can't move forward and make it right or feel better. Hence this post, if I end things there is nothing so that doesn't necessarily help either. Overall no good options, this is a really silly universe and life to exist in. I'm not unique so many people suffer too, it only adds to my understanding that this is all ridiculous.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I had 14 months sober but the depression got to me and I've been binge drinking since summer. Can't say it does much more than give me more problems but it does kind of help to break up the week (however much shame it brings I do it anyway, cos I'm that depressed and pathetic).

 

[ihavetoleave]

Ye

I had 14 months sober but the depression got to me and I've been binge drinking since summer. Can't say it does much more than give me more problems but it does kind of help to break up the week... However much shame it brings I do it anyway, cos I'm that depressed and pathetic.

Yeah I would understand why you would go back to it. I can't, I don't live where I can do that and my bladder is ruined from the life I used to lead too. I only want to smoke cigs/vape, not an option for so many reasons now, financial, where I live, society not accepting it due to the pandemic, it was the only thing that would help to comfort me and it is gone. I'm not going to be able to do it after dying either. What a silly reality. Keep thinking of the song "what a wonderful world" and being completely baffled about why anyone would think this was true.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Weird yeah my bladder's f'd too. OAB they say. Not good for a drinker. And sorry you can't even vape.

Yeah it's a dumb world.