When did your suicide thoughts start and what would need to happen to push you over the edge?

[Plentiful_Despair]

I think about it since I'm 12, first just like once per day, and it just got more and more and now I'm 22 and considering it all the time in the last few months.

I would have done it years ago if I had to continue school or work, thankfully at least that I could avoid so far because of my diagnosed mental illness, but that also won't continue for long probably. I know other people who got basically FORCED into a workplace at 22 or 23 altough they were diagnosed with severe asperger autism like me and they got zero money if they refused and put onto a government list so they couldnt get any payment methods, so if THAT happens this year it's definetely the day I kill myself.

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

5th grade (10/11) is my earliest memory of suicidal ideation but the context of it makes me wonder how long/if it had been going on previously.

I'd need to be more isolated and have cash-flow so I could self-destruct on my own time.

A relapse emotionally or substance wise would be a heavy push toward oblivion.

 

[offbalance]

I can't really remember, definitely since at least 13 though if not earlier. I'm also starting to think I'm truly incurable mental illness wise, before I thought I had more control over it but Im starting to think that I really don't. Why should I stick around and suffer? So I guess what is pushing me over the edge is all of that.

 

[thgilrats]

i was imagining my death as a kid a lot, idk if it counts. it became a full-blown suicidal ideation since early teenage years too tho.

the «push over the edge» could be just another tuesday, to be honest. usually i am just thinking about possible "accidental" ways to ctb 24/7, but quite frequently i occasionally (and involuntarily) drop down the «i need to die right fucking now, i can't take this anymore» hole at random times, so the «last straw» could be just me having a breakdown in a room and also having something decently poisonous/sharp next to me

but if we're talking about a "calculated" last straw, then..
just recently i was at risk of being deported back to my home country.
i'm from a country that has not rights for people like me, has insane censorship, is also lacking basic freedoms and is also at a damn war with another country, so coming back there is like a nightmare coming true.
when i heard that i could be deported, i wasn't even hesitating at this point – my first, only and most determined thought was «once i get to [country i currently live in] i order SN and do it»
so yeah. deportation. or any kind of threat to my freedom.

 

[Gstreater]

Since I was 14 I've thought about suicide and have tried a few times.

What it would take to push my over the edge is knowing my family would be okay after I died. I'm only alive to help them and a few others.

 

[Dida]

Around 2nd and 3rd grade, so like 8. I remember distinctly wanting to end myself because I would unknowingly cause my parents trouble/minor inconveniences which they would blow up on me for.

I went to religious evening classes everyday after school and I remember learning that children that die go directly to heaven. That kinda motivated me in wanting to kill myself to save myself from the hellfire and save my parents a headache from my misbehavings.

 

[uniqueusername22]

been suicidal since eight years old. id probably finally kill myself if my partner left me or died. i plan on doing it within the next two years though regardless. maybe soon, maybe not.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Don't remember the exact age when my suicidal thoughts began. I had thoughts about wanting to die since I was around 8 but I wasn't suicidal. I remember being suicidal in middle school, but I don't remember if it started during or before then. I ended up attempting it when I was 15. I wouldn't say that a particular event pushed me over the edge, rather it was just an accumulation of a lot of things going on with me psychologically.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I first became suicidal when I was 15 and I tried to kill myself with my eating disorder, then my first real CTB attempt was at 16. I'm in the early-mid 20s range now. Tried to make another CTB attempt a few weeks ago and ended up in the psych ward for 10 days instead. At the moment my life is actually getting back on track but there are a lot of things that could push me back over the edge.

 

[Hollowman]

Twelve years old, if I can hold on until my mom dies I'm out the same day. I'd rather die right now though.
Twelve years old, if I can hold on until my mom dies I'm out. I'd rather die right now though

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I'd never wish for something as deeply undesirable as existence, for me simply just existing is so painful and torturous, I suffer just from existing and in my case I just don't want to suffer in any way, I just want peace instead, all that's ideal to me is never existing again and I've only ever found comfort in death. It terrifies me how one can exist for so long with no limit as to how much agony they can feel just to be tormented by old age and die anyway, in my case I only continue to suffer as I lack the means to just die painlessly when I wish to, I'd be long gone if I could just peacefully free myself from this existence but really I never should have suffered at all, to me existence is a burden I was never meant for.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

They started at the end of age 13, they strengthened greatly 2 years after and now they became a part of me after even more years. All because my life went south and keeps going in that direction helplessly.

What would push me over the edge? Having a method and reaching the end of line with my family to the point they'll finally realise they don't love me like they say in reality and disown me.

 

[mercutiomartis]

It started as passive ideation when I was in my early teens. It's become a more serious option starting in my early twenties. I'm 25 now and it seems like the most viable option. I'm kind of torn between the impulsive im-going-to-kill-myself-right-now and the more pragmatic planning and tying up loose ends options. I think I'm already pushed over the edge, and now it's a matter of getting everything figured out

 

[Miku _fanboy101]

I think about it since I'm 12, first just like once per day, and it just got more and more and now I'm 22 and considering it all the time in the last few months.

I would have done it years ago if I had to continue school or work, thankfully at least that I could avoid so far because of my diagnosed mental illness, but that also won't continue for long probably. I know other people who got basically FORCED into a workplace at 22 or 23 altough they were diagnosed with severe asperger autism like me and they got zero money if they refused and put onto a government list so they couldnt get any payment methods, so if THAT happens this year it's definetely the day I kill myself.

All the time since early elementary school I've been very suicidal. All I need is somebody who will bully me to the edge other than myself. I need the extra support because I want someone to know I'm fully gone I want them to make sure I don't come back

 

[CantDoIt]

Since a year ago, but had ideation since 15. I really would get pushed over by an easier method or family members dying or leaving me. Technically I'm already ready to go tho

 

[RadiantNumber]

After my adventure with certain "designer drug" and my stomach washed in hospital

 

[willitpass]

They started over a decade ago around age 10. I've already been pushed over the edge, I'm just waiting on my prescription to be filled in a couple of weeks then I'm out of here.

 

[sadBPDgirl0708]

I think I was about 13 when I first started thinking about suicide - I'm 24 now and it's been my light at the end of the tunnel since. I've never really feared death, and I've always had a very morbid curiosity about what it's like so even if I wasn't suicidal I think I'd still be 'suicidal' if that makes sense. I've had more attempts than I can count over the years, some more severe than others. Ultimately the only thing holding me back is the guilt for the people around me, and I think all I need for my next attempt is another bad spell with my mental health conditions

 

[Degen]

Actively maybe 19, right now not sure. I guess if I fail my next attempt of recovery I could see myself ending it. I'd say I'll ctb under 30 realistically since I'm getting closer to the point of no return.
I do feel like now that I've ordered sn, it might be soon .

 

[banger12]

I was 15 when I started thinking about suicide seriously. There have been various phases in my life where I was planning to kill myself or actively pursuing it but then also phases of recovery. My mental has always been fucked. I had thought I was on a permanent upswing then things went sour again and this is a bit too much to go back now.

 

[coolgal82]

about 16 for me (20 currently) although i had a moment before then where i threatened to do it. rn the main thing that would actively push me over the edge would be if my friends left me.

 

[milknife02]

Started when I was around 12. My mental illness is severely worsening. That's my lasy straw. I won't live to be a suffering burden. That's no life at all. I'd rather ctb than suffer but I've found peace in the choice.

 

[Reflection]

I'm sorry about your situation OP. I have kinda been there before, basically for the past year and only managed to pull through due to a hope, a hope that is all but gone now. And as bad as it is now, the one thing that will completely irreparably break me is learning that my ex girlfriend would be getting married. My brain is unable to let go and so I will be gone long before that happens.

 

[zxcvb]

When I was about 22 I think. I got sick.. I never thought I'd get better. I thought about suicide every day because of my symptoms. It was horrific.
I'm better since then.. but the thoughts never left..

 

[27ClubSoon]

I've always had a hunch this would be the way I'd go since maybe 14? Now 13 years later it seems destined. If my parents went it would be such a release I'd feel so much less guilt.

 

[heavyeyes]

Started when I was 15. I've been on the edge for several years already but this past year has been so brutal that I'm thoroughly convinced it's time to go. I intend to ctb before the end of November. I finally realized that all my life will ever be is loneliness and pain. Despite treatment for my mental illness and trauma nothing helped. I gave it my best shot. I'm out of time and options. I can't live this way anymore. Suicide is a mercy killing for myself. I'll finally be at peace

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

Started when I was 15. I've been on the edge for several years already but this past year has been so brutal that I'm thoroughly convinced it's time to go. I intend to ctb before the end of November. I finally realized that all my life will ever be is loneliness and pain. Despite treatment for my mental illness and trauma nothing helped. I gave it my best shot. I'm out of time and options. I can't live this way anymore. Suicide is a mercy killing for myself. I'll finally be at peace

Yeah same, I think early October or November will be the time. I can't keep doing this. The thoughts never stop, the suffering never stops, just sitting here and typing this feels so insane, because I do this altough I feel like I should have been dead since many years, I feel like I am a zombie

 

[Biblom2000]

I guess it started when I was around 8 years old, I remember that before that I was always very positive and even though I wasn't good at anything I tried to do my best in whatever I did and tried to ignore the ridicule of others. people towards me, in a competition I ruined something and made a fool of myself in front of everyone, including my family, that triggered me to think about how the others were actually right when they made fun of me and my distant and cowardly behavior, I let external people and their words led my life, well that and other events throughout my childhood didn't help either.

I'm waiting for my sister to graduate and take care of herself, only I live with her so I'm the one who pays the bills.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Once you do it once you're already kind of "past" the edge. It's like in looney tunes when the coyote is standing in the air for a second before falling down the cliff

 

[brokeandbroken]

I think about it since I'm 12, first just like once per day, and it just got more and more and now I'm 22 and considering it all the time in the last few months.

I would have done it years ago if I had to continue school or work, thankfully at least that I could avoid so far because of my diagnosed mental illness, but that also won't continue for long probably. I know other people who got basically FORCED into a workplace at 22 or 23 altough they were diagnosed with severe asperger autism like me and they got zero money if they refused and put onto a government list so they couldnt get any payment methods, so if THAT happens this year it's definetely the day I kill myself.

There's isn't an exact date but after things culminated at the medical school for sure. I undoubtedly was mildly depressed before. But that pales in comparison.

To be honest nothing. If nothing changes and fast I will. I need a break, i need meaning, I need someone IRL to care who I can care about also as strange as it seeks, I need justice, I need a home and my own space not homelessness, I need a way out of the slums and poverty, I need a lot of things. Many really not requiring much to save me. I've already lost virtually everything. I guess if anything else is lost I'll probably CTB. But I have virtually nothing. My life can be saved or extended with little effort and I'll die from apathy.