Discussion When did you know it wasn't going to get better?

[one.way.out]

Personally, I still have hope left for the future. I've only been depressed for about 3 years. Unfortunately I have other problems pushing me towards the edge, but I've for some reason had hope that those will improve as well (even though society is getting worse for people with my specific problem). When did you know it wasn't going to get better?

 

[AtMostOkay]

When I realized I was a cliche, my children were statistics, and there was nothing special about any of us.

 

[ClownMe]

A few months back. i lost interest in basically everything (even the stuff i used to love, like watching sport) and everything felt so utterly pointless because i didn't want to do anything that the "average person" wants to do in their lifetime. Im only staying alive right now for my dog.

 

[Mr2005]

2010

 

[Flare]

When I found one person that I've been looking for all my life (not even romantically) and our friendship ended a week or so later, seemingly out of nowhere.
Last time I heard from her was when she needed a favor a couple days ago, after one year of not hearing from her, then she returned into the void.
It was the undeniable proof that the one thing I thought could make me feel any better, did in fact made me feel a LOT worse.

 

[Dymming Star6]

I sincerely knew it was never going to get any better in April of 2000, when I lost my wonderful mother unexpectedly...

 

[allthebodiesinthesea]

when it didn't get better, deep down i hoped it would but it's been 10 years. i figure there's people who get better and people who don't. i hope ur part of those that do, no self pity meant

 

[PSYCHO_METAL_X]

When I tried antidepressants and they didnt work

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

When I realized I was a cliche, my children were statistics, and there was nothing special about any of us.

On first read I liked your comment...but now I have to ask: are your children safe? No matter what your offspring deserve safety as children (assuming you still have them in your care).

 

[Vault of Memories]

Well I've wanted to kill myself for half my life now and things have never gotten better. Guess I wonder how many years do I need to lose to be able to enjoy life?

 

[Pure]

Summer 2018 after I was forced to go back home to my parents after I was involuntarily committed and they still were assholes to me not giving a shit about my mental state.

I wish I had slit my wrists then but oh well. All I can do now is not waste anymore years and just get over with killing myself once the appropriate time comes.

 

[MBY85]

I know now. My body is getting worse because of my disability but I get used to it, but now I lost my support system and I fell desesperately alone

 

[AtMostOkay]

My children are alive and well, grown adults living across the country from me. I refer to their various missteps and acknowledge the societal pattern. One day I just saw clearly there was nothing unique about any of us. We never stood a chance.

On first read I liked your comment...but now I have to ask: are your children safe? No matter what your offspring deserve safety as children (assuming you still have them in your care)

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot remember the last time I had hope. If I had any hope then this life would just take it away. I have known for a long time that things will not get better. I think suicidal thoughts are a part of me really. I dread the future. Living is just so pointless anyway and the fact is that this life holds unlimited potential for suffering.

 

[clown_17]

When I realized even the psych ward couldn't help me. Literally, when they discharged me they told me they weren't sure what was going on and that they're weren't able to do anything for me. That was basically when I realized this would be the rest of my life.

 

[suisuiforum]

It's great that you have hope for the future, and I wish you well. I was 18 when I realized that there is no end to this madness, after being force-fed lies about the world and how important academic and financial success were. Granted I was naive and unaware of the true banality and pointlessness of everyday life, and after implicitly abiding by the tenets of the delayed gratification model, I slowly began to understand that there is no such gratification at all. So what if your net worth is upwards of millions upon millions of dollars? It fuels our existence because we need money to survive, but why should I continue this lifelong Sisyphean struggle if I don't even enjoy anything about it?

 

[Dear Agony]

The first time I seriously considered suicide I was 12. However, I was absolutely sure that it's gonna be the way I die when I was 16, and I visited my new school after I had dropped out for the first time the year prior. They handed me a test I was supposed to do and the schedule for classes. At that instant, all moments of my life rushed through my head, and I thought "why?" Like why am I doing this. Why am I supposed to graduate, get a job, and work for the rest of my life only to get retirement when I'm old and look like a rag.
I knew then, there was no hope, because I no longer found meaning in my life.

 

[ollyoxenfree24]

When numerous doctor's kept telling me all of my physical symptoms are nothing and to just live with it. Why live in a body that makes you feel like you are being tortured constantly?

 

[UKscotty]

About 20 years ago.
Tried every AD under the sun, therapy and all sorts. Some years are worse than others, this is an exceptionally bad one.

 

[draw a circle]

It's great how you still have hopes for things to improve. Tbh i do too for some stuff, but most of the time I've given up on having a good future.

In high school i realized that I'm developing anxiety and i was sure i wouldn't survive as an adult. I'm literally just so lazy and i don't have what it takes to survive in the real world (idk the word for it but like, the will to do anything to survive?) I don't mind working hard, but i dread interpersonal relationships the most. Over the years i heard more stuff about terrible bosses and shitty coworkers and how you can get to places just bc you have money and connections (not necessarily in a bad way). And the way society is going downhill with global warming and the pandemic and capitalism, i was like damn, it would take a whole ass apocalypse to fix this. I've read posts online about how things can be improved in a large scale, but it won't happen bc some people are too greedy and too powerful. Once i know about those possibilities, i lost even more hope for the world. I don't even want to try to fit in this world anymore, like why do we have to suffer when we can, you know, not suffer? Just bc the world works like that? Then i don't want to be in that kind of world. That's basically it, though i also accumulated some other problems to push me in this direction.

 

[Largeletters]

After all recovery attempts failed, trying almost everything. Maybe things could get better, but I also feel very done. I'd rather kill myself because there's a much larger chance that everything will go to shit versus magically improve.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Depends on what "it" means. I've wanted to die for five years straight but I haven't been completely without hope in regards to job/girlfriend/etc until fairly recently.

 

[Benegra]

When I found one person that I've been looking for all my life (not even romantically) and our friendship ended a week or so later, seemingly out of nowhere.
Last time I heard from her was when she needed a favor a couple days ago, after one year of not hearing from her, then she returned into the void.
It was the undeniable proof that the one thing I thought could make me feel any better, did in fact made me feel a LOT worse.

I'm in a simular situation and it hurts so much.

 

[Winklemate]

I knew it wasn't going to get better when I realized I didn't want it to get better. I don't think anything particularly sparked that revelation, it was just the result of a contemplative moment.

 

[SheJumped]

I'm only alive for my child, I've been mentally deteriorating as a rapid pace and hope I can hold on just enough so they can be of age to understand why.

 

[Foolish King]

I had a strong suspicion for a long time that it wouldn't but the real catalyst for me was the covid shut downs last year. Since I was a kid my only higher goal in life was to make enough money/be frugal enough that I could retire at an early age so I could become a hermit and do whatever I wanted with my free time and live a "peaceful life". I absolutely hated getting up to go to work everyday but I did it because I had that vague goal to work towards. Hell I've had SI in the past I was able to work through by fantasizing about how everything would be so much better if only I made that dream a reality.

Well all of a sudden I got a free three month trial version of what I thought I wanted and it turned out I hated it almost as much as my wage slaving. All of the things in life that annoyed me before were simply replaced by new annoyances. After some introspection the cognitive dissonance forced me into I came up with this analogy.

If life was a long train ride with death as the destination, I never really cared about the trip at all. Not the stops along the way, the scenery out the window, or the other people along for the ride. The only thing I wanted was for the trip to go quickly and without too much fuss while I sat in some back corner trying to block out everything else while I waited for my stop to be called. That dream of mine was the equivalent of moving to a slightly quieter car but still being stuck on the train I didn't want to be on. That approach could leave me in that half hearted and suboptimal state for another 70 years if I was unlucky so I decided I wouldn't wait for my stop anymore, I would choose my own.

 

[Rustysoupcan]

When I had everything I could ever want and still wanted to die