I'm still scared but once knowing all this I can't turn back the tides
.............
Experienced
- Mar 5, 2022
- 226
Contemplated death at 11, things happened, suicidal since 14. It's a pain.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 44,296
I have never wanted to be alive and even at a young age I found death to be comforting. I am not meant for this world and I simply prefer the sound of non existence. I believe that I actually started thinking of suicide when I was around 11 and since then I have wanted to leave this world more and more each year. I am so tired of living and I just wish that it was easier to exit. I have always been miserable, I have no positive memories of the past.
I never thought about suicide until age 27. That's when I got mentally ill. It went away from 28 till 30 then came back again for a year. Went away again until age 41 until now (44) I've felt suicidal every fucking day. I will until I die. Never signed up for this bollocks. Has to be the worse feeling ever.
I think I was 12/13. I was feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. One random night I went out to the roof and called a friend and naturally they thought I was joking and disregarded me. IT wasn't until I looked down and I realized it was maybe only 15 feet up and wouldn't have been enough to kill me. Never counted that attempt but I've tried two other times since then. It's been a decade and the thoughts never fully go away.
Had a series of botched surgeries. Talked to multiple doctors, no real long term solution. And now in the US - because of the opioid epidemic- getting decent pain medication is difficult.
One doc suggested Tylenol.
So - after trying to figure out how to fix stuff or how to at least alleviate the pain - I came to the realization that the simpler alternative would be to hit the reset button. This was around Dec 2021. Spent some time researching ways to CTB, settled on N and secured it by end of Jan 2022.
Now - the plan is to ctb by the end of march.
No major drama or worries. This is simply the logical solution for my issues.
Oh - and I am 45
One doc suggested Tylenol.
So - after trying to figure out how to fix stuff or how to at least alleviate the pain - I came to the realization that the simpler alternative would be to hit the reset button. This was around Dec 2021. Spent some time researching ways to CTB, settled on N and secured it by end of Jan 2022.
Now - the plan is to ctb by the end of march.
No major drama or worries. This is simply the logical solution for my issues.
Oh - and I am 45
Lost Magic
Illuminated
- May 5, 2020
- 3,205
I have always felt that existence was futile and was even accused by my primary school teacher of being a day dreamer. Of course I was day dreaming you stupid fucking cunt. I didn't want to be taught by your lousy school system and be a slave to your corporate overlords. Fantasy was my escape from the toxic society and bullies that surrounded me. By the way, it never got any easier. The only thing time has given me is the reality that this is all meaningless bullshit. What a pointless exercises in futility. Wake up, kill time, rinse and repeat. Kill me now!
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Sunset Limited
I believe in Sunset Limited
- Jul 29, 2019
- 1,352
Al Cappella
Are we there yet?
- Feb 2, 2022
- 888
Pretty early on, made I first attempt at 17–maybe 18…
I can't remember anymore, my memory is going. But I never enjoyed life since elementary school, and became actively suicidal in high school and the thoughts never stopped since. @Journeytoletgo when did you start contemplating death? My apologies if you've said elsewhere, again my memory is going lately.
NoLightRemains
I found my light again. Namu Amida Butsu
- Sep 26, 2021
- 374
The thoughts started around age 11 and remained with me rather consistently until 18 and I left a toxic home situation. I had a good few years while I did all the normal things you are "supposed" to do. I had friends and lovers. The depression never fully went away, but I was not suicidal.
Fast forward to late 2019/early 2020, the stress of my new career and COVID starts really sinking in and exacerbating my depressive thoughts. In July 2020, I lost my partner to suicide and it's been a constant thought since then. It just feels like an inevitability that I will die by suicide, it's just a matter of how long I can stand the suffering.
Edit: I'm almost 29 now.
Fast forward to late 2019/early 2020, the stress of my new career and COVID starts really sinking in and exacerbating my depressive thoughts. In July 2020, I lost my partner to suicide and it's been a constant thought since then. It just feels like an inevitability that I will die by suicide, it's just a matter of how long I can stand the suffering.
Edit: I'm almost 29 now.
StarryStarry
Cat Lady
- Oct 25, 2021
- 749
gabbro1328
too long past my expiration date
- Dec 28, 2021
- 2
I remember folding clothes on my bedroom floor when I was just barely 13. I was suddenly overwhelmed by so much pain and hopelessness. It had all just caught up to me at the same time. I had to lay down. I closed my eyes and imagined the floorboards beneath me falling apart like puzzle pieces, dropping me into a black, endless void, where I didn't have to feel or think anymore. That was the first time I wanted to stop existing.
toobrokenforlife
Member
- Feb 15, 2021
- 17
12 for me. School broke me with all the bullying from classmates AND teachers. Then again, they were right about me being a failure. I guess I can't blame them for telling the truth.
Lost Magic
Illuminated
- May 5, 2020
- 3,205
Listen, don't blame yourself for those retched bastards and their behaviour towards you. I had to deal with those types as well. It is not your fault. They will have to answer for their own sins. Bullying is not acceptable on any level.
When I realized there wasn't hope for me. I'm dead in live now.
catdaddy2601
Member
- Aug 6, 2021
- 89
Hangnailinajar
How far would you go,if I died tomorrow?
- Mar 4, 2022
- 11
hopelessgirl
Mage
- Oct 12, 2021
- 522
At 23. I'm 29 now. Spent the last half year being afraid of my suicide. But now I've realized I am basically in control of when I do it, so I'm not scared of it anymore. Way more comfortable to be this way.
sadanon3
Member
- Sep 1, 2021
- 34
Since 7th grade so since I was 12 or 13? By now I'm 18 and I've had suicidal thoughts on and off though honestly by this point I think about suicide a lot.
NearlyIrrelevantCake
The Cake Is A Lie
- Aug 12, 2021
- 1,906
It all depends on how far gone you are , I guess. I am now at the point where thoughts of my death bring me peace. I find it very comforting to know that somewhere in the near future I shall finally be free. Its a very liberating experience to get to that point, There is always going to be that question of " Is there an afterlife " etc at the back of my head, I guess thats normal for most of us. But for the fear part, I honestly do not fear death anymore, I think of death as my friend, death is my comforter.
I am now in my 50s. I was born with faulty brain chemistry. I have resigned myself to the fact that it is only going to get worse the older I get, and getting better will never be an option. Crushing depression and anxiety with very little respite for most of my life. I feel for you, only those of us who are going through such things can truly understand.
You are not the failure here: It is the bullys and idiot teachers who are the failures.
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Hydrangea
Monochrome
- Dec 28, 2021
- 32
I had active suicide plans/ideation since I was 6. That's right, SIX. That's when I started looking longingly at moving trains, sharp knives, bottles of bleach, and other methods I thought could kill me. Although now that I think about it, I probably had idle "I want to die!" thoughts even before then. All thanks to my family, teachers, pediatricians, and the\rapists who emotionally abused me for a cheap thrill.
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Ashu
novelist, sanskritist, Canadian living in India
- Nov 13, 2021
- 818
At the age of fourteen, and first attempted then, but at the time I still believed in the simpleminded Christianity in which I'd been raised, so I didn't begin to contemplate death as what it truly is, the end, until after my apostasy, which was precipitated by my failed first attempt.
Because I know my own mind and have the same thoughts everyday. Paralysed my life. Feel for my family.
Mine started when I was 9. I was so little and scared. I knew something was wrong with me I just didn't have the words to describe it yet. I would lay on the ground and cry and feel so confused. Why did I feel like this when there were kids my age dying of cancer and soldiers dying away from their families? I remember begging God to take my life away and give it to someone who wanted it
