i don't know when did it go wrong. it just wasn't there one time, then it was. it always comes back. and external suffering always comes back. maybe i'm just stupid. idk. i want to kill myself. the ups always make me feel good, but they pale in comparison to the pain. fuck this bullshit.
Yeah I'm a negative utilitarian too. Worse times overcome the good times. A lion gets some joy eating, but its prey suffers far far more. That pretty sums up life for me
It might be useful to find a small corner of your life anad see if you can exercise enough control over it to have it work the way you want. This might help build momentum to tackle another small corner.
