when being the nice person backfires (and not in the being used way)

[Life_and_Death]

do you want to know the problem with being the nice person? an expansion on things the majority already know/think about.

yes, you get used. people will blow you off and walk over you because they can. but something i havent seen people talk about it, is when it happens honestly.....

you have a friend, and obviously your friend has their own friends. say you make plans with this friend, but then their other friends ask them to hangout. its not that they dont want to hangout with you, its not that they mean to blow you off. but you made yourself an actual friend, you made yourself the comfortable one, so they have less anxiety telling you "im sorry i cant" vs the people they should be saying it to. they have their own problems to deal with and you understand that, but.....it still hurts....

 

[moshimoshi]

do you want to know the problem with being the nice person? an expansion on things the majority already know/think about.

yes, you get used. people will blow you off and walk over you because they can. but something i havent seen people talk about it, is when it happens honestly.....

you have a friend, and obviously your friend has their own friends. say you make plans with this friend, but then their other friends ask them to hangout. its not that they dont want to hangout with you, its not that they mean to blow you off. but you made yourself an actual friend, you made yourself the comfortable one, so they have less anxiety telling you "im sorry i cant" vs the people they should be saying it to. they have their own problems to deal with and you understand that, but.....it still hurts....

That's awful….I'm so sorry I know that pain so well and it's honestly heart wrenching. It's really not nice of them imo to do that when they already made plans with you. It makes someone feel worthless and like the second option, and neglected especially if it keeps happening over and over again

 

[Life_and_Death]

That's awful….I'm so sorry I know that pain so well and it's honestly heart wrenching. It's really not nice of them imo to do that when they already made plans with you. It makes someone feel worthless and like the second option, and neglected especially if it keeps happening over and over again

i agree, but theyre not doing it to purposefully hurt me. i wouldnt want someone to fault me for my problems so i wouldnt fault them for theirs.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

You're still being used. You're being used as a reliable social contact who doesn't have boundaries or the agency to enforce those boundaries. If I felt it was easy to assert my needs with people then I wouldn't be here, so don't get me wrong.

But this is still shitty treatment. The thing is, you deserve to be prioritised sometimes. If I double-book myself, my personal standard has always been that the plan I made first is the one I go with. That's not hard to do. Therefore your friends who book with you then doublebook and choose to go with the doublebook are assholes in my book, and you are being disrespected and need to consider asserting yourself or whatever. Social problems be damned, but it's not just treatment you're getting.

 

[Life_and_Death]

You're still being used. You're being used as a reliable social contact who doesn't have boundaries or the agency to enforce those boundaries. If I felt it was easy to assert my needs with people then I wouldn't be here, so don't get me wrong.

But this is still shitty treatment. The thing is, you deserve to be prioritised sometimes. If I double-book myself, my personal standard has always been that the plan I made first is the one I go with. That's not hard to do. Therefore your friends who book with you then doublebook and choose to go with the doublebook are assholes in my book, and you are being disrespected and need to consider asserting yourself or whatever. Social problems be damned, but it's not just treatment you're getting.

if you want to blame people for having problems be my guest, but when someone gives you the same treatment i hope you dont get upset with them for it. thats kind of hypocritical.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

if you want to blame people for having problems be my guest, but when someone gives you the same treatment i hope you dont get upset with them for it. thats kind of hypocritical.

I just now read the entire thread and coincidentally my response reads as a reply to the conversation you had with another user but that's not the case. I'm replying to your original post in which you described your situation. I don't need to reiterate it, and I'm not blaming anybody for anything. I didn't get into that. I limited my commentary to the actual behaviours observed in which you are snubbed, and you complained about that as a consequence of being nice. I am standing up for you and your needs as a social individual by agreeing that you deserve better.

I should emphasise again for the sake of my own self-respect that I'm not suggesting it would be easy to stand up for your own needs but it's not "nice" to be a doormat. It's unhealthy for both parties

 

[Life_and_Death]

you complained

i didnt complain, i voiced a situation ive had to deal with

doormat.

and theres a difference between being a doormat and an understanding friend while they work on themselves

 

[Jorms_McGander]

i didnt complain, i voiced a situation ive had to deal with

and theres a difference between being a doormat and an understanding friend while they work on themselves

Alright have a nice day :)

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I tried it recently, as something of a social experiment. I've learned I can be completely different types of people depending on my mood, stage of life, current wants and needs, etc. It went badly, essentially exactly as you described.

 

[Jiyuurakka]

This is a really interesting phenomenon, if you truly saw this situation from both perspectives, neither side is in the wrong here. Like you said, your friend didn't intend to purposely hurt you, but you're still left hurt because that is just a natural dynamic of the world. The only way I can see a person bypassing this hurt is by accepting it and moving on, but if you take this acceptance to the very limit, you're leaving yourself at the mercy of the world.

I feel like I'm in the same situation in regards to many things in life, being nice has led to good and bad things happening to me. I wouldn't take back any of those instances where I was the nice person, because that was me being my genuine self and I don't really mind putting my foot down in most situations. I've learnt to look past being hurt, but I often wonder where exactly I'm headed. The line often gets blurred on when you need to stand up for yourself, and when you're able to afford being nice. I think I know when to speak up about things when I'm being taken for granted by other people, but when I open up about situations similar to this to other people, they often call me naive or a fool for allowing myself to do what I think is right. The line is different for many people, and I think the line is drawn based on how you value yourself and what you're doing.

Being the nice person and accepting the consequences without much thought, I wonder how far I can go with this. I am happy though, I guess that's what matters in the end.