This is my story it's a story of me, and a few mental ill friends of mine. Sorry it may be a little disjointed I'm really scatter brained and just needed a place to get this off my chest.
One of them has depression, and has aspergers I think he might be someone I could maybe talk to but I feel like it wouldn't really gain much out of it. We are just very different.
The other one is a great friend but communication with him sucks
The other one is kind of aloof, and just wouldn't get it. He is on the autism spectrum, he tells me that he has a mental illness where his mental growth is stunted. He's gay and has a pretty good boyfriend though one time this boyfriend had just an episode of anxiety where he completely shutdown.
Dad is out of touch love him but he's out of touch I don't know how to speak to him
Mom It's a mix of not wanting anything to do with her and feeling sorry for her.
Me and this autistic(not meant as a insult) friend live together with his mom who is someone that drinks and smokes. I don't think she's a bad person per se but she's someone I wouldn't want to live with for extended periods of time who practically takes away all incentive for my autistic friend of being independent. He may be aloof to mental illnesses, and all that but his mom treats him like an idiot sometimes, and I did at one point try to say it but it just made things worse between this parent, and me. Yes sometimes he can be an idiot but his mom can be very condescending towards him to the point where it actually makes me really upset. I don't think she guides him at all and his dad would do a better job once he told me his mom said to him that she didn't want him anymore, and he didn't want to deal with her drinking and smoking habits so for a month he went to his dad(who is an amazing guy BTW wish I could more for him, or even thank him better. He's a great man and if my autistic friend was mainly living with him. I think he would have been a much different person and much better for it. Him and his dad have a working relationship, and his dad has never made me feel uncomfortable, never was confrontational.
His mom makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable being around her, she gets into drunken lectures which honestly go in one ear and out the other because I either find them to have information that I find to be utterly useless and unhelpful, or have assumptions about me that aren't based in reality I have boundaries and they simply weren't respected have I made mistakes sure but none of them were of any malicious variety at best I made a mess of my living quarters which is the basement and finally said my piece of what I found to be wrong in hopes of change things that made me feel uncomfortable and I was trying to be as kind as possible. I do believe she wants to help and has asked me how can I help you and has done maybe one thing that helped me which was a doctors visit but I think I could have done that on my own personally. My friends mom however got mad that her son simply wasn't there or didn't say oh I'm sorry that grandma has cancer. She's just not approachable sometimes she created something of fear and obligation as if you didn't do this thing, it's not that you needed personal space, it's not that he didn't know what to say at the time, it's just that he has no empathy towards the situation.
The night were this happened left my autistic friend in tears with his boyfriend trying to comfort him but his mom was trying to physically rip him from his boyfriends arms. Just the whole thing made me so mad. His mom also has custody over him which if I'm being honest I feel like it's just a crutch. My autistic friend is very much functional he needs to be taught better, he needs to be in a less hostile environment, one that can foster growth as a human being with drunken, smoke filled lectures being the string attached to it.
My autistic friends mom can be kind I mean she lets us get drunk in her house which I pay rent for, and smoke weed. We don't mess the place up, we don't rough house, or party hard.
We are in the basement, we drink, up stairs, outside we smoke weed.
We are there for her son and love him very much.
But with these strings attached it causes more harm than good.
It's not that she's a bad person but these strings attached simply overshadow the good she does, because those strings can become a noose if we aren't careful.
That's why me, my autistic friend along with his boyfriend who lives in a different country but luckily gay marriage is legal here but it's the custody thing we're worried about, my friend with aspergers are planning to leave, find an apartment of our own. It's much more desirable. I don't mind cleaning, washing dishes, doing laundry, or even organizing my stuff, but sometimes I just don't want to go upstairs.
Right now I'm on welfare looking for work had two shady jobs accept me but since they were outright shady I turned them down for this plan to work I need some stable employment 40 hours a week. I've been applying for work but I've got nothing so far going to apply for a few more jobs today, give jobs I applied to a call for tomorrow.
My plan right now is to get some IT related certifications, get a GED(Credits are the issue I can't finish high school and it's expensive and tedious to get four more 1 credit courses and hopefully get an IT related job. I'm someone that likes to build computers, research computer parts and specs, plan things out spec wise.
For instance I watch tech channels like AdoredTV, RedGamingTech for rumors and leaks. Then I plan a near future build around that.
Need a job by May hoping to move out with a few certs with an upgraded PC by end of Sept maybe under the guise of night hopefully after that I don't know.
Sorry I'm turning this into a vent but I just have to, I have no where to turn no where to run at this point, and suicide is looking like a good option but not yet.
Random tangent incoming but the reason why I'm living at my autistic friend is simply due to the fact that me and my mom had a falling out and it was bad. The police even gotten involved, I didn't think she could help me with my future in ways that I would improve as a person. It was just money being thrown around for education and for me that's simply not enough. I myself have some insecurity issues, memory troubles under stress I can't learn like that and the big kicker for me is. I would have to be away from my friends who I feel need me, and go to college where I feel like my soul would be crushed. Just being reliant on someone who outright threatened to throw away my clothes, accused me of only wanting to be on welfare(which tbh if the option to not work was present and it was something I could do for that moment in time I'd take it until I figure what I can actually realistically do and want I want to do but alas), been overall condescending about my grievances, and caused a shitload of drama in my life including lying to my social worker about how much money I had access to, and being a religious nut. I don't need that toxicity in my life, and you know what to some it may not seem logical but I hate the idea of relying on something you utterly dislike for monetary reasons it makes you very vulnerable as I am right now, and I'm just trying to break free from that nonsense. I don't like enabling that behavior making this person think everything she did was ok because it got results no this person needs to realize there are consequences to these things. She needs to know outright that if you are going to insult my friends, harass my friends, harass my landlord, harass me, insult me, accuse me of all sorts of things, then gaslight me acting as if I'm the crazy one that I don't have to speak to you anymore, I don't have to accept your money anymore because I won't fucking need it. That at that point I don't want a single thing to do with you, not your money, not your emails, not anything at that point I want your toxic ass gone from my life, my anxiety doesn't need your potential drama, and I don't need the feeling of just being so dead on the inside going to a 4 year school of something you are unsure you want to do, being reliant on something like this, was I perfect no, but do I deserve this fuck no. The whole situation is just bad.
Though sometimes I wonder what is this all for I mean ok I get the certs, I get a degree later down the road then what? I work a job, hang out with friends but what is the point? Like it feels like it doesn't have a meaning. Right now I'm only doing this, my only motivation is just survival mode at this point, and constant stress that affects my chest. Makes it tighten.
After this adventure of escape which is the closest thing to making me feel alive that there is some meaning to this, because all I see is 48 years of my life go by with me working doing my job but utterly find this life still not enjoyable enough, or just meaningless to the point where I don't really want to be here.
It's like ok I exercise not something I find fun but hey it's somewhat important and I don't want to be too fat. I'm not fat per say but I would say I'm chubby.
No offense to anyone who is fat or obese it's just not something I want myself
I go to work hopefully I find a job I enjoy and find worth doing but I'm not that optimistic it will happen.
I'm not having kids I'm an antinatalist hardcore. I believe this world is simply too evil, cruel, and crazy for me to want to subjugate anymore life to it. Some people can be great but sadly it's not enough to stop to festering shit pile underneath.
I myself 100% know that suicide is probably going to be how it ends for me hopefully I can end it peacefully and just die peacefully no judgement, no confrontational BS, just sweet embrace of heaven, or nothing who knows.
One of them has depression, and has aspergers I think he might be someone I could maybe talk to but I feel like it wouldn't really gain much out of it. We are just very different.
The other one is a great friend but communication with him sucks
The other one is kind of aloof, and just wouldn't get it. He is on the autism spectrum, he tells me that he has a mental illness where his mental growth is stunted. He's gay and has a pretty good boyfriend though one time this boyfriend had just an episode of anxiety where he completely shutdown.
Dad is out of touch love him but he's out of touch I don't know how to speak to him
Mom It's a mix of not wanting anything to do with her and feeling sorry for her.
Me and this autistic(not meant as a insult) friend live together with his mom who is someone that drinks and smokes. I don't think she's a bad person per se but she's someone I wouldn't want to live with for extended periods of time who practically takes away all incentive for my autistic friend of being independent. He may be aloof to mental illnesses, and all that but his mom treats him like an idiot sometimes, and I did at one point try to say it but it just made things worse between this parent, and me. Yes sometimes he can be an idiot but his mom can be very condescending towards him to the point where it actually makes me really upset. I don't think she guides him at all and his dad would do a better job once he told me his mom said to him that she didn't want him anymore, and he didn't want to deal with her drinking and smoking habits so for a month he went to his dad(who is an amazing guy BTW wish I could more for him, or even thank him better. He's a great man and if my autistic friend was mainly living with him. I think he would have been a much different person and much better for it. Him and his dad have a working relationship, and his dad has never made me feel uncomfortable, never was confrontational.
His mom makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable being around her, she gets into drunken lectures which honestly go in one ear and out the other because I either find them to have information that I find to be utterly useless and unhelpful, or have assumptions about me that aren't based in reality I have boundaries and they simply weren't respected have I made mistakes sure but none of them were of any malicious variety at best I made a mess of my living quarters which is the basement and finally said my piece of what I found to be wrong in hopes of change things that made me feel uncomfortable and I was trying to be as kind as possible. I do believe she wants to help and has asked me how can I help you and has done maybe one thing that helped me which was a doctors visit but I think I could have done that on my own personally. My friends mom however got mad that her son simply wasn't there or didn't say oh I'm sorry that grandma has cancer. She's just not approachable sometimes she created something of fear and obligation as if you didn't do this thing, it's not that you needed personal space, it's not that he didn't know what to say at the time, it's just that he has no empathy towards the situation.
The night were this happened left my autistic friend in tears with his boyfriend trying to comfort him but his mom was trying to physically rip him from his boyfriends arms. Just the whole thing made me so mad. His mom also has custody over him which if I'm being honest I feel like it's just a crutch. My autistic friend is very much functional he needs to be taught better, he needs to be in a less hostile environment, one that can foster growth as a human being with drunken, smoke filled lectures being the string attached to it.
My autistic friends mom can be kind I mean she lets us get drunk in her house which I pay rent for, and smoke weed. We don't mess the place up, we don't rough house, or party hard.
We are in the basement, we drink, up stairs, outside we smoke weed.
We are there for her son and love him very much.
But with these strings attached it causes more harm than good.
It's not that she's a bad person but these strings attached simply overshadow the good she does, because those strings can become a noose if we aren't careful.
That's why me, my autistic friend along with his boyfriend who lives in a different country but luckily gay marriage is legal here but it's the custody thing we're worried about, my friend with aspergers are planning to leave, find an apartment of our own. It's much more desirable. I don't mind cleaning, washing dishes, doing laundry, or even organizing my stuff, but sometimes I just don't want to go upstairs.
Right now I'm on welfare looking for work had two shady jobs accept me but since they were outright shady I turned them down for this plan to work I need some stable employment 40 hours a week. I've been applying for work but I've got nothing so far going to apply for a few more jobs today, give jobs I applied to a call for tomorrow.
My plan right now is to get some IT related certifications, get a GED(Credits are the issue I can't finish high school and it's expensive and tedious to get four more 1 credit courses and hopefully get an IT related job. I'm someone that likes to build computers, research computer parts and specs, plan things out spec wise.
For instance I watch tech channels like AdoredTV, RedGamingTech for rumors and leaks. Then I plan a near future build around that.
Need a job by May hoping to move out with a few certs with an upgraded PC by end of Sept maybe under the guise of night hopefully after that I don't know.
Sorry I'm turning this into a vent but I just have to, I have no where to turn no where to run at this point, and suicide is looking like a good option but not yet.
Random tangent incoming but the reason why I'm living at my autistic friend is simply due to the fact that me and my mom had a falling out and it was bad. The police even gotten involved, I didn't think she could help me with my future in ways that I would improve as a person. It was just money being thrown around for education and for me that's simply not enough. I myself have some insecurity issues, memory troubles under stress I can't learn like that and the big kicker for me is. I would have to be away from my friends who I feel need me, and go to college where I feel like my soul would be crushed. Just being reliant on someone who outright threatened to throw away my clothes, accused me of only wanting to be on welfare(which tbh if the option to not work was present and it was something I could do for that moment in time I'd take it until I figure what I can actually realistically do and want I want to do but alas), been overall condescending about my grievances, and caused a shitload of drama in my life including lying to my social worker about how much money I had access to, and being a religious nut. I don't need that toxicity in my life, and you know what to some it may not seem logical but I hate the idea of relying on something you utterly dislike for monetary reasons it makes you very vulnerable as I am right now, and I'm just trying to break free from that nonsense. I don't like enabling that behavior making this person think everything she did was ok because it got results no this person needs to realize there are consequences to these things. She needs to know outright that if you are going to insult my friends, harass my friends, harass my landlord, harass me, insult me, accuse me of all sorts of things, then gaslight me acting as if I'm the crazy one that I don't have to speak to you anymore, I don't have to accept your money anymore because I won't fucking need it. That at that point I don't want a single thing to do with you, not your money, not your emails, not anything at that point I want your toxic ass gone from my life, my anxiety doesn't need your potential drama, and I don't need the feeling of just being so dead on the inside going to a 4 year school of something you are unsure you want to do, being reliant on something like this, was I perfect no, but do I deserve this fuck no. The whole situation is just bad.
Though sometimes I wonder what is this all for I mean ok I get the certs, I get a degree later down the road then what? I work a job, hang out with friends but what is the point? Like it feels like it doesn't have a meaning. Right now I'm only doing this, my only motivation is just survival mode at this point, and constant stress that affects my chest. Makes it tighten.
After this adventure of escape which is the closest thing to making me feel alive that there is some meaning to this, because all I see is 48 years of my life go by with me working doing my job but utterly find this life still not enjoyable enough, or just meaningless to the point where I don't really want to be here.
It's like ok I exercise not something I find fun but hey it's somewhat important and I don't want to be too fat. I'm not fat per say but I would say I'm chubby.
No offense to anyone who is fat or obese it's just not something I want myself
I go to work hopefully I find a job I enjoy and find worth doing but I'm not that optimistic it will happen.
I'm not having kids I'm an antinatalist hardcore. I believe this world is simply too evil, cruel, and crazy for me to want to subjugate anymore life to it. Some people can be great but sadly it's not enough to stop to festering shit pile underneath.
I myself 100% know that suicide is probably going to be how it ends for me hopefully I can end it peacefully and just die peacefully no judgement, no confrontational BS, just sweet embrace of heaven, or nothing who knows.
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