Story What’s your guys’ stories?

[discodude]

Personally I've struggled very hard when it comes to socializing and I have some very big issues with my self-esteem.
No matter what I achieve I always feel like a fraud and weird creep.
I could go on for hours but I am more interested in hearing what has lead you guys to this site?
What are your struggles and what has driven you to be suicidal?

 

[Gaga786]

Hello, I hope your doing well. Well, my story includes neglect, bullying, childhood trauma, emotional neglect, medical negligence, speech impediment. I have also never fitted in alongside my peers and my cousins. Life can be very enervating at times and cruel, which is why im here.

 

[Izumi_81]

Hi
I hope that one day you'll get over that and have a peaceful and happy life, and if you need anything, feel free to talk, I'm here :)
Now, about me and my "story":
So my life has always been "perfect".
I'm in a good financial status, I have a house to leave and a boyfriend.
The thing is, I feel like I don't deserve any of these things.
Honestly, for the past months, I started to be really annoying and for some reason, I started to require a lot of attention from the people around me. Another thing, is that I started to let my insecurities and feelings absorb me and now it's starting to affect my partner because I feel that I'm being annoying and I don't deserve any of this, and after I feel bad for boring people with that kind of stuff and then I get frustrated and then I become sad and that comes to a vicious cycle of overthinkigs.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I'm suicidal as I despise life and I don't see any benefit and value to having to exist. I consider existence to be something that is so burdensome and it's a curse to have the ability to exist here in this world. I've never wanted to be here and the fact is that existing could never appeal to me in any way. I view existing as being something that is disgusting, unnecessary and unappealing, I don't wish to be trapped in this flesh prison that can torture us so much and I also just hate how uncertain life is and how if we continue to exist we risk ending up in a situation of even worse suffering.

As humans all that we are destined for is to suffer, deteriorate and die and I view non existence as always being the most preferable option. Existence is the source of all harm and death is the complete absence of it. My suicidal thoughts are just a natural response to my dislike towards existing and how I don't see existing to be worth enduring in every way possible. The only relief lies in the thought of non existence which is why it's very unfortunate that I'm still here trapped in a world in which it's difficult to free myself from.

 

[Hotsackage]

existential dysfunctional ocd depersonalised depressed alcholic

 

[SilentSadness]

I don't want to live either and I've observed that there is a disproportionate amount of suffering to happiness in this world. Even in the rare occasion I feel pleasure, it feels empty and there's nothing I can do about it. There is no one around me who attempts to understand my struggles but I am not surprised that this is the case because it seems the only sensical purpose of life is to suffer daily. I don't find joy in any activity and any break from suffering is short-lived. It's saddening that suicide is not just not accepted as an option, but seen as a huge threat which automatically renders you mentally ill for considering. Living is just an aching sadness day after day and to be honest, I don't see myself having a good method of leaving any time soon so I guess I will just be here in limbo for time to come.

 

[Dolphin55]

I don't want to live either and I've observed that there is a disproportionate amount of suffering to happiness in this world. Even in the rare occasion I feel pleasure, it feels empty and there's nothing I can do about it. There is no one around me who attempts to understand my struggles but I am not surprised that this is the case because it seems the only sensical purpose of life is to suffer daily. I don't find joy in any activity and any break from suffering is short-lived. It's saddening that suicide is not just not accepted as an option, but seen as a huge threat which automatically renders you mentally ill for considering. Living is just an aching sadness day after day and to be honest, I don't see myself having a good method of leaving any time soon so I guess I will just be here in limbo for time to come.

Sorry you're going through that. The 'limbo' you describe can feel awful. My heart hurts for you friend, wishing you peace

 

[JustSomeoneOnline]

I'm actually really interested in people's stories, all the details and stuff. I'm a bit too self conscious and afraid that if i post a ton of stuff about my own life it's selfish, but I'd honestly be down to read 1k words of someone's story because I have too much time to waste.

(Can anyone recommend me a thread?)

 

[Sparr0w]

decided i wanted to die at age 12, tried like thrice and failed, decided i needed a 100% effective method and here i am!

i want to die because i'm too lazy to live. i can't be assed to change the world and i don't like how it currently is. i mean, i'm also depressed as hell, hate miscommunications and not living up to peoples expectations and so forth, but it's mostly just that the thought of working for my keep for 30+ years makes me want to ctb.

 

[Ghostofthepast]

This is my story its long

My life story i dont know where to even begin honestly the first few years i either dont remeber or nothing bad happened what really set it off i was when i was 5 almost 6 i grew up in a pretty bad household father was always using drugs dinking beating me my siblings my mother but i never though it could get worse well it ddi that day was pretty uneventfull then the evening came in everyone was watching tv i was in my room i liked to have alone time before bed i always have to wind down my father if you could call him one came in asked what i was doing he sat down on the bed and got very close we talked for abit as far as i can remeber it then it happened he pulled his dick out and put to my face told me no one needs to know about this and its out secert after having him bascilly force in my mouth he pulled my pants down and fondled me for abit tired to put it in my ass couldnt and left as he left told me to never tell anyone or he would hurt me later that year after my 6th birthday i tried to hang myself for the first time i failed really upset me at the time i didnt understand why now i know i probably didnt tie it right a few years went by between the bulling in school everyday the bulling at home by my family what i though where friends and anyone who could my deprrssion really started to kick in i stared cutting at age 9 i started with my legs so no one would see them it made all the pain go away the one thing i could controll the one thing that i decied when and how it happens i met my best friend richard at age 9 we clicked almost instantly we would preotect eachother and i had a friend a real friend finally i had my first kiss as 11 little did i know it was all to lure me to get my ass beat by a bunch of people richard found out and almost killed the kid that beat me up by age 12 me and richard started smoking weed it was just another way to make the pain go away i tried to cut my wriste this year as well because the bulling only gotten more violent and more relentless by age 13 i lost my v card only to have the girl call me small tell me i wasnt doing it right and then finished herself off told everyone at school about it i got made fun of beat for it told to kill myself almost got thrown out of a window i started haning out with a kid named mat him his sister emily and his friend jack they were the kids that constantly got into trouble smoked and did drugs skipped school a bad bach but they were showing me how to make money on the side because before that i was only helping my step father if you could call him that too doing side work to pay the bills we never had much money or food growing up so selling drugs was a good idea to me at the time but richard didnt see it that way we had a falling out i spent from the age of 13 until 15 selling drugs doing them getting into fghts in school skipping school my grades stared to slip bad i started cutting more wanting to die more even with people around me i didnt find happiness like i though i would i have always questioned everything why are we here what is the reason we are here why dose life hurt too much i would soon find that out me and richard patched things up abit after i turned 15 it was like we never stopped talking he had a girlfriend by then amanda she was a cool girl down to earth always had something good to say no matter what we started hanging out more i started ha nging with my old crew less and less little did i know they only wanted me around because they thought i was crazy and they knew i wasnt afraid to die so i would always do more dangerous jobs and drops then it happened richard wanted to hang one day then we were going to go smoke with mat because rich didnt have any and mat offered we played majors mask for abit then next thing i know im waking up tied up he just looked at me said sorry and stepped up on a stool we always said if we were going to go it was together he had hope for me i guess who knows he hung himself right infront me i layed there for hrs screaming and crying mat found us because we never showed and he had a bad feeling mat had jack and emily get me out of there he called the cops said he found rich like that i didnt eat sleep or really do anything for years after that bulling got so bad i was about to be kicked out of the school district for fighting so much so i just left i got a said job with a great boss frank or whatever the hell his nam was i cant remeber was a agreat boss 40hrs under the table good pay but he always treated his workers well the job dried up and he lost his bisnuess so i was out of a job i met a cute girl back in 2015 her name was sydney we clicked almost instly we would then spend the next 5 years as friends we would flirt be there for one another overall just be a good friend we had a falling out abit she friended zoned me when she met her boyfriend av it really hurt me i went to see her bought her things told her for years i wanted to be with her but it wasnt ment to be we come to current now i met kit back in 2021 we started taking at work i liked her she said she liked me soon she was moving in with me and my sister her and her son sammy was going to be homeless we got together sortly after t we had our fight our ups and downs but i loved her and would do anything for her turns out she sent a nude to a old friend back before chrismas it hurt me it really did i did the same with a co worker a few months later we started to fight more and more i wasnt comftable taking about my porn habbites it was tabboo in my home growing up so i lied about it constly it caused problems we both started working at nirvina a watter bottle plant things were good un til june i come to find out shebhas sent nudes to alot of men slept with a co worker that i thought was my friend i ended up trying to kill myslef i lost my job went to a phyc ward was put on meds in that time she had a abortion she didnt want kids i did but everything was good for the next 3 months then she broke up with me come to find out she slept with another co worker was flirting with him for months i walked in on them doing it i punched a window out its been crazy this is just a shorttened verson of it i have lost everything that made me whole and honstly now i dont even want to be here anymore

 

[BllyNoM8s]

Talked a little bit about it in another thread but, I was weirdly suicidal from the ages of 7-10. I don't know or remember why.

I have autism and was born into a very dysfunctional family situation, grew up pretty lonely, heard my older sister and Mom yell at each other nightly. They also weren't very kind towards me but meh. My father(who wasn't too present in my life but was still an occasional factor) CTB'd when at the end of 6th grade which that combined with the bullying I suffered legit made it one of the worst years of my existence, surprised my suicidal thoughts didn't come back during my middle/high school years.

Skipping ahead, I managed to make some friends during the latter part of high school but I had a mental breakdown a year after graduation in summer 2018, after losing a friend due to my own issues with communicating and saying stuff that came off as rude to her which led to my suicidal thoughts coming back. In the last five years I've lost a lot of people due to my mental health issues, had a lot of traumatic stuff with the most recent event being my SA back in December, and have had the pressure of my family's general poor economic state laid on my back.

Honestly, despite some of the trauma in my life at the time. I miss my early adolescence(ages 11-14) and wished I never lived past that period. I also feel like if I were a woman, a different race or were neurotypical that my life would've went different. Also, I plainly don't wanna deal with having to worry about working, dealing with bills and money, just adult shit in general.