Venting What's wrong with my emotions?

[kilowatt]

Lately I've been really trying to feel a little more stable and okay with myself but something is just not adding up. I'd be lying if I said I had no nice experiences or good days in the past few months but really that is the problem. No matter how hard I try to improve my overall mood, I always end up spiraling back to square one. There's no day to pass by without me sobbing uncontrollably and reflecting on the full picture of my life instead of enjoying the good things that happen one at the time. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong and how do I get rid of this. It hasn't been this bad ever since before I went on antidepressants, which was a really long time ago.
I have no option to seek help. For private reasons I am not allowed by any means to seek medical help. Professional help in terms of therapy is out of the question since I can't afford it. And most importantly I've been off my usual medicine (against my own will) for a few months now and I have no access whatsoever to any other refills or prescriptions. It's really bad and I miss them. I don't know how to handle this. I may have been addicted to my pills but it's been nearly 3 months and things are only getting worse.
I'd really appreciate any tips or advice on how to make this more bearable.

 

[Buildingsandcastles]

I feel you. It is hard to focus only on the little good things and moments because we have to look at the whole picture to function. But were are supposed to amplify the little good things and minimize the bad in hopes we feel better despite the circumstances an/or physical chemical issues in our body and brain?That is how we irrationally delude ourselves and how people do to keep going even though sometimes it isn't logical so your emotions make sense to me at least, Especially because there is a big possibility that you are still experiencing withdrawals and issues from being off the meds, it is more destabilizing for longer than people think especially when you were on for a long time. You do not have access to medical or professional help you say-do you have access to vitamins or supplements? You appear to have access to the internet-if you do perhaps you could use chat GPT (free version) for therapeutic advice. I wouldn't normally recommend this and you cant go into personal emotional details and get empathy but if there is no other option, it could give you coping skills etc in one place without all the info overload here/on google. You could ask questions like "give me skills to cope with intense moods" things like that. You could probably ask it about supplements and vitamins to help too which again I wouldn't normally recommend as something to depend on but given your limited options this is an option I thought of. Further, I don't know where you are located but in the US there are therapy places that will do sliding scale and pro bono although difficult to find. Look up non profits with the mission to provide therapy to all despite ability to pay. Good luck.

 

[kilowatt]

But were are supposed to amplify the little good things and minimize the bad in hopes we feel better despite the circumstances an/or physical chemical issues in our body and brain?That is how we irrationally delude ourselves and how people do to keep going even though sometimes it isn't logical so your emotions make sense to me at least

That's really the goal I'm trying to reach, but easier said than done. Amplifying the bad things comes as a natural thing to me, I could even call it an involuntary response. It seems as if I can't control it nowhere as much as I'd like to, especially without any help from the outside.

You do not have access to medical or professional help you say-do you have access to vitamins or supplements? You appear to have access to the internet-if you do perhaps you could use chat GPT (free version) for therapeutic advice. I wouldn't normally recommend this and you cant go into personal emotional details and get empathy but if there is no other option, it could give you coping skills etc in one place without all the info overload here/on google.

I'm able to go to my local pharmacies or order OTC medicine online, however I don't find that as a big help. I've been through a very, very long journey to be able to get my hands on the benzos I was on before. I'm saying they were only really given to me when I was a minor due to nothing else working out for my mental disorders. I'm legally mildly disabled and so my mother was (and still is in a smaller measure) my proper care taker that gets to decide for me. And so I had to go through years of cheap supplements, natural medicine, home remedies and everything of that kind. I feel like I'm much over taking some vitamins to feel a little more energy.

But I do really love the coping skills idea. I will look more into that. I've failed with meditation before but it never hurts to try something else.
Thank you a lot for your advice

 

[Buildingsandcastles]

That's really the goal I'm trying to reach, but easier said than done. Amplifying the bad things comes as a natural thing to me, I could even call it an involuntary response. It seems as if I can't control it nowhere as much as I'd like to, especially without any help from the outside.

I'm able to go to my local pharmacies or order OTC medicine online, however I don't find that as a big help. I've been through a very, very long journey to be able to get my hands on the benzos I was on before. I'm saying they were only really given to me when I was a minor due to nothing else working out for my mental disorders. I'm legally mildly disabled and so my mother was (and still is in a smaller measure) my proper care taker that gets to decide for me. And so I had to go through years of cheap supplements, natural medicine, home remedies and everything of that kind. I feel like I'm much over taking some vitamins to feel a little more energy.

But I do really love the coping skills idea. I will look more into that. I've failed with meditation before but it never hurts to try something else.
Thank you a lot for your advice

Amplifying the bad is actually an evolutionary response. I like to jokingly say us who do that are just over evolved for this world. Back when we were hunters and gatherers etc our brain had to remember the bad stuff to keep us alive-caveman brain goes "bear equals bad equals death, pay attention for bear and bear like things to stay alive". But now we do that with all aspects of our life naturally and it takes work to not default to that. More work than it's worth it often seems like. But just know that isn't a flaw on your part as people often make it out to be. It is not as much in our control as we would like it to be, it's more hardwired in our body than people realize.

I know none of it is ideal or a nearly as significant of a help as we'd like it to be, i mean even the significant meds often don't make a dent often. Obviously, I don't know your relationship with your mom or if it is possible but perhaps communicating with her that her allowing you to try certain things may make it so you can care for yourself more. Or perhaps present it as more of a medical issue side if mental health is looked down upon.

My opinion is meditation is overdone and often counterintuitive for a lot of people. it's good for mildly stressed out people but rarely for chronic mental illness. Other coping skills may be more beneficial. Hope some of that helps maybe just a little.