Help What's wrong with me?!?!

[Centerism]

Hey family,

Up until recently I've been doing really good. Something inside me had clicked and helped me realise there might be "hope..."

What a fallacy that was...

This world is filled with disappointment, judgement, and greed. We all live for one main purpose. We all live to engage in our own game of ego. If you really think, and even if you're not selfish, we all strive to survive. In our own individual ways. We may come off as loving, caring, but in the midst of all that we give away, emotionally, we're still doing whatever we're doing to help ourselves.

Life may be full of disappointment, judgement, and greed. I, though, strive to find happiness within those demoralizing attributes devoted to the host, the congregation.

I often find myself in a concentrated state of self discovery. My congenital anomaly, from a very young age, has made me somehow hyper-aware of others unconscious rhythms. I tend to find myself engrossed in what people around me are thinking, feeling. I usually find that people, disingenually, work to impress others...

We're all subconsciouslyn trying to find a way to prove to others the prowess we as an individual posses...

I went through some amazing experiences, dabbling with psychedelics, that have taught me to be more, well, humble. There's an experience that can be had when using large dose of certain tryptamines and lysergamides called "ego death." It's an experience that'll leave you grounded. This has taught me to appreciate the values a human has.

These past few days have been real difficult. I've been sooooo depressed. So completely defeated. I haven't eaten in a few days, I haven't slept, I can't even really think. I'm not even considering suicide, simply because I don't have the energy required to compete the task. I want, so bad, to feel "normal" to feel at peace. I crave peoples affection, love, and guidance. This world, to me, seems to get more cruel, more intense by the day. I wish, so bad, to be done with pain. I can only pray to Gaia, asking her for mercy.

This world, in my eyes, has become so self centered that I can't seem to find respite amidst the cruel reality we call humanity...

 

[Rational Suicide]

Many of my feelings are the same. I've never felt strongly for the self, only for existing and exploring the world. Unfortunately humanity's conformist and blinkered tendencies are ruining this. The world doesn't really seem wonderful anymore, everything is marketed and turned into a commodity. I'm really only floating like a ghost right now. It's been a tough few days for me too trapped on this rock like it's a prison with rowdy inmates.

 

[Centerism]

Many of my feelings are the same. I've never felt strongly for the self, only for existing and exploring the world. Unfortunately humanity's conformist and blinkered tendencies are ruining this. The world doesn't really seem wonderful anymore, everything is marketed and turned into a commodity. I'm really only floating like a ghost right now. It's been a tough few days for me too trapped on this rock like it's a prison with rowdy inmates.

You're spot on. Humanity has not only become blurred, it's failed itself. Humanity has failed, we have failed.

Unfortunate, but true, we are part of this conformist society. We live every day with a mask on. Smiling to people outside of our world of pain. Asking ourselves, why do we care so much. Why do we hide? Why can't we express our true, inner selves.

People, including us, are so disenchanted, so fake. It's so sad, so disappointing.

Let us who have found our true purpous find peace in the end...

 

[Rational Suicide]

Funny thing about me is, I can't really where a mask for whatever reason, I'm that strange. I do feel the brunt of the conformity though, despite never being able to conform to those standards. I've experienced much cruelty from others including within my own family, their own obsession with ego and conformity superseding family bonds.

My main hope in life is to move somewhere quiet and be a hermit to be honest. It'll be tough to adapt too compared to the easy living of where I am now but probably better for my mind. I'd happily grow my own food and go off grid, maybe as part of a commune of other shy recluses!

 

[Inferdan]

You're spot on. Humanity has not only become blurred, it's failed itself. Humanity has failed, we have failed.

Unfortunate, but true, we are part of this conformist society. We live every day with a mask on. Smiling to people outside of our world of pain. Asking ourselves, why do we care so much. Why do we hide? Why can't we express our true, inner selves.

People, including us, are so disenchanted, so fake. It's so sad, so disappointing.

Let us who have found our true purpous find peace in the end...

You are the wisest person I have seen so far. You know what you say. I am proud of you.

 

[Centerism]

You are the wisest person I have seen so far. You know what you say. I am proud of you.

Wow! Ummmm, thank you? I've always been kind of praised for my linguistic abilities, but I've never been called "wise." So ya, thank you very much. I just try to understand what I'm passionate about.

 

[Inferdan]

Wow! Ummmm, thank you? I've always been kind of praised for my linguistic abilities, but I've never been called "wise." So ya, thank you very much. I just try to understand what I'm passionate about.

Well you speak a lot of truth, and the way you say it makes it at least seem like you know what your talking about.

 

[Centerism]

Funny thing about me is, I can't really where a mask for whatever reason, I'm that strange. I do feel the brunt of the conformity though, despite never being able to conform to those standards. I've experienced much cruelty from others including within my own family, their own obsession with ego and conformity superseding family bonds.

My main hope in life is to move somewhere quiet and be a hermit to be honest. It'll be tough to adapt too compared to the easy living of where I am now but probably better for my mind. I'd happily grow my own food and go off grid, maybe as part of a commune of other shy recluses!

Lol, that is so cool. Living amongst other recluses. I would actually hey along good in a family like that. :-) XD

I'd really like living off the grid. I absolutely adore nature. I mean hell, I'm a wiccan, so my religion is centered around the earth and her healing womb.

I understand family and their bond with conformity and ego. So much so that I sought out ego death experiences that would help me disconnect from my own sense of "must be better" syndrome. Ego death is scary cause you lose all sense of self and fall away from really. It really helps you realize how miniscule, but at the same time extremely important you are.

If you're able to experience ego death, you're better equipped to deal with the social infrastructure you're faced with every day.

I am sorry to hear though that your family has abandoned you for a better miniotic standard.

Well you speak a lot of truth, and the way you say it makes it at least seem like you know what your talking about.

Well, again, thank you. You're a wonderful person. I'm a better person now for having met your kind words. :-)

 

[Rational Suicide]

I understand family and their bond with conformity and ego. So much so that I sought out ego death experiences that would help me disconnect from my own sense of "must be better" syndrome. Ego death is scary cause you lose all sense of self and fall away from really. It really helps you realize how miniscule, but at the same time extremely important you are.

If you're able to experience ego death, you're better equipped to deal with the social infrastructure you're faced with every day.

I am sorry to hear though that your family has abandoned you for a better miniotic standard.

This who thread has been a support to me through a tough time. This week I had to pretty rapidly GTFO of where I'm living after becoming the target of harassment and abuse from the local community. They had marked me as a pariah despite the fact I mostly kept to myself and lived my own life.

Where I've moved to is with some of said family since I've little other place to go right now and I need people around I know even though they aren't the best company at times. For me though, with my condition, my ego is more concerned with avoiding harm and dread. Purely through my miscommunication due to my hypersensitivity people have stamped me with the worst kinds of labels. It's been a really horrible experience.

Ego death would help if you are wary of failure in pursuit of success but not in pursuit of safety...

 

[Centerism]

This who thread has been a support to me through a tough time. This week I had to pretty rapidly GTFO of where I'm living after becoming the target of harassment and abuse from the local community. They had marked me as a pariah despite the fact I mostly kept to myself and lived my own life.

Where I've moved to is with some of said family since I've little other place to go right now and I need people around I know even though they aren't the best company at times. For me though, with my condition, my ego is more concerned with avoiding harm and dread. Purely through my miscommunication due to my hypersensitivity people have stamped me with the worst kinds of labels. It's been a really horrible experience.

Ego death would help if you are wary of failure in pursuit of success but not in pursuit of safety...

That makes me smile knowing you've found comfort in something as simple, maybe even genuine, like this thread. We all deserve comfort, even in miniscule amounts. It always helps having the feigning thought, or feeling that we're not alone. Maybe even knowing we've somehow contributed to others comfort.

Can i ask... where are you from? Also, are you gay? I'm from the usa, and I'm gay. Even though this country boasts understanding and love, it's all a fallacy. At a young age I was outed as gay through a video of me taken while I was getting high and having some pretty taboo sex. The video made it around social media and a few free, amateur porn sites. My mother saw the video before it as taken down. As a result of that, my mother stopped talking to me, along with the rest of my family. She didn't talk to me for 20 years... but came back around for my birthday a couple months ago. That actually, no joke, saved my life. I was planning on ctb on my birthday cause my boyfriend and I had made a pact to go on my birthday. He, though, passed not by suicide, but by an accidental overdose not even a year ago. So I had planned on meeting our goal, but somehow found comfort in the those that are still around me. My mother being a big party to that notion.

What I'm trying to say is, we line find comfort in knowing we still have a normality, a privilege like support and love.

Also I understand the jousting game a community of close minded individuals can play. It sucks to be driven away from the only sanctuary you have, home.

I hope you can find moderate comfort with your family. No matter what you might be going through, family, normally, can help in those most trying times. When it comes to the point that there's nothing left that'll provide you any sense of relief, it's time you either reevaluate or end it.

You're right...
Ego death would be ideal only in certain situations or certain individuals. It's an extremely intense feeling letting your idea of who you are, who you've always been, who you'll eventually be fly out the window. If it's done right, in general context, it'll build up your safety net, per-sae.

Please keep your head up. Keep watching this thread if it's what helps you. I'll keep posting to it so it'll stay fresh for you.

 

[Rational Suicide]

Can i ask... where are you from? Also, are you gay? I'm from the usa, and I'm gay.

No I'm not gay, I'm a straight guy from the UK. My situation really sucks and I fear at this stage is irreparable. I suffer from severe anxiety including OCD of which one major symptom is compulsive staring at privates and peripheral vision. I also might be autistic or have some other underlying condition which makes things worse. I've always struggled to fit in, have been picked on for being different etc. Life was likely always going to be a massive challenge but the staring and the hyperawareness has really fucked it all up for me.

Most people think I'm a weird, pervy loser and I'm increasingly abandoned by those in my life. The family situation has even deteriorated further since we last spoke. A family event took place last week that I was obliged to attend and it was a mix of my OCD surfacing and my strange appearance (I'm convinced this is a part of it) that alienated everyone there. At a time we really could've done without this, a storm is ripping through my family who I've had to move in with because of the abuse I was receiving at my previous place of residence. All of this triggered by my condition and being one of society's rejects.

I'm sorry you had to go through what you did with you're family, especially in the way you did. There really are some dickheads out there who want to cause as much chaos to vulnerable people as possible. That you're mother caught wind of that is terribly unlucky too and that she reacted like she did is infuriating. I get that my folks have their doubts about me but you couldn't help being gay. Still glad that mum came round eventually for you, clearly the increasing openness around sexuality has had a positive effect.

I only hope people become more compassionate towards male mental health more generally and treat each man's life with genuine value regardless of the context. Can't all these problems be fixed? With enlightenment can they not be prevented from getting so bad?

 

[Rising Phoenix]

Hey family,

Up until recently I've been doing really good. Something inside me had clicked and helped me realise there might be "hope..."

What a fallacy that was...

This world is filled with disappointment, judgement, and greed. We all live for one main purpose. We all live to engage in our own game of ego. If you really think, and even if you're not selfish, we all strive to survive. In our own individual ways. We may come off as loving, caring, but in the midst of all that we give away, emotionally, we're still doing whatever we're doing to help ourselves.

Life may be full of disappointment, judgement, and greed. I, though, strive to find happiness within those demoralizing attributes devoted to the host, the congregation.

I often find myself in a concentrated state of self discovery. My congenital anomaly, from a very young age, has made me somehow hyper-aware of others unconscious rhythms. I tend to find myself engrossed in what people around me are thinking, feeling. I usually find that people, disingenually, work to impress others...

We're all subconsciouslyn trying to find a way to prove to others the prowess we as an individual posses...

I went through some amazing experiences, dabbling with psychedelics, that have taught me to be more, well, humble. There's an experience that can be had when using large dose of certain tryptamines and lysergamides called "ego death." It's an experience that'll leave you grounded. This has taught me to appreciate the values a human has.

These past few days have been real difficult. I've been sooooo depressed. So completely defeated. I haven't eaten in a few days, I haven't slept, I can't even really think. I'm not even considering suicide, simply because I don't have the energy required to compete the task. I want, so bad, to feel "normal" to feel at peace. I crave peoples affection, love, and guidance. This world, to me, seems to get more cruel, more intense by the day. I wish, so bad, to be done with pain. I can only pray to Gaia, asking her for mercy.

This world, in my eyes, has become so self centered that I can't seem to find respite amidst the cruel reality we call humanity...

So sorry to hear about this. Yes it's a fucked up world we live in all we can really do is try our best with what we got. And if that doesn't do it then there's always the nuclear option of suicide.