Venting what's wrong with me

[lamy's sacred sleep]

when i listen to people speak, people who I should care about (family and friends). I simply cannot care about what they are saying. Not one bit.
Everything exiting their mouth feels so trite. I feel like I have to read off a script everytime I talk to them.
I don't care about most of the things exiting their mouths. I don't care about celebrities, most world events, what you've done.
The only thing I really care about is how can I assure my death and for the people here.

Something else that's weird is that I don't feel any guilt for killing myself.
I don't care about the grief I might cause others to feel. It's honestly quite weird, but helpful in helping me ctb in peace.
My friend told me he couldn't sleep thinking about me wanting to kill myself, I felt only a twinge of sadness.
Honestly not sure how I got to this point in my thinking.

 

[MollerPlesset]

Sometimes that happens to me too. When I'm really down I just can't feel empathy for other people and I get so angry when I tell them I want to ctb and they start crying all upset. It is like they take this from me and use it as an excuse for crying or getting upset. It is difficult to explain. I only get more tired, more alone, more hopeless. It is like living a double life in which I can only say and do what people want me to say and do.

 

[LastLoveSong]

Yea u put it into words perfectly, I have this a lot too.

 

[Rust]

Yep, this is very relatable. Feels like there are pieces of me missing when I think about it.