Venting Whats wrong with me???

[retardkid]

I have been thinking and my mind has been drawn to my early childhood for some fuckin reason,I haven't really remembered most of my childhood until now.
I just can't explain what's so motherfucking wrong with me, the first time I tried to kill myself I was 7 years old I remember going into my mom and dads closet and pulling out their handgun I was terrified while pointing the gun at my face, me and my sister were arguing before this. She came into the room after she heard me crying and saw the gun in my hand she immediately ran out of the room and got my older brother he came in the room and took the gun and calmed me down. I know I have said this already but I just can't imagine what in the actual fuck is wrong with me?? What kind of 7 year old tries to kill themselves? It just makes me feel like there's something extremely wrong with me and my brains telling me I'm a fuckup Thinking about it I grew up in an abusive household with 3 siblings, just my FUCKING luck, I have trauma from watching my older brother fist fighting my dad just to keep him from hitting me with a belt. I always wonder why this had to happen to me,
I feel cursed. nothing good ever fucking happens to me I didn't ask to be born did i? I want to die so fucking much its unbearable but I can't ctb bc I'm still to scared.just like the pussy ass bitch I am there's people who have it so much worse then me but still are happy. Why? Just why? I just don't understand the meaning of being alive
There isn't a single mother fucking point to life. We are born then we go to school all day everyday until we are 18 just to learn things so we can get a job to make money so we can afford housing food etc and we repeat this process until we die. How does a single person on this earth manage to squeeze a drop of joy out of this putrid fucking existence.

 

[inmyhead]

Hey, I just want to give you this biggest hug right now. I know exactly how you feel. I first attempted when I was 11. But it's not you, you were a product of your environment and experiencing trauma that no child should have to. Unfortunately, some of us seem to be brought into this cruel world to be traumatised from the outset. We are fighting much harder battles than people realise. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

When I was around 8 or 9 I lay down in the middle of the street for about 20 minutes. I don't recall the exact trigger for that action but given later events it was probably my mother stressing me out. So suicide has been around for a long time in me, even if only latent.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that wanting suicide is perfectly logical in this dreadful world.
Existing certainly is so repulsive, pointless and meaningless, humans are just going around in circles repeating the same tasks until they die anyway, I see the existence of life in the first place as being an unnecessary, tragic mistake, there's no benefit to existing, instead existing is something so harmful as our existence can very easily get much more unbearable. It's horrible how we exist in a world where there's unlimited potential to suffer where we are destined for nothing but to be tormented by old age. I know that I've never wished to exist here.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I used that "phrase" a lot recently due to my disastrous dating life. Dating two men who lied about their sexuality and the other one who was married. I truly believe we as humans can ask ourselves this question if we are meeting misfortune after misfortune. That's why I despise living because life has been truly a nightmare for me since 2018 on and off I can safely say that I hate it here. And my biggest regret as of recent is truly not being successful when i tried to complete ctb.

 

[Readytogo246]

I used to dream of being gone as a child. I would sit in the backseat of the car and say over and over, "I'm not here." It would put me in an altered state. I wish I'd had the courage to make it happen for real. Now I am taking the next step to plan a way to not be here anymore and it feels good.

 

[Sleepycat]

What kind of 7 year old tries to kill themselves?

I tried to use a belt maybe 5th grade mom got pissed when she seen the marks and we were at the store. Soon after I had a freakout meltdown thing outside school and they put me in the suicide ward. Tried to hand my sister a kitchen knife when we were highschool age said that I couldn't seem to do it right and she needed to help me cuz I hate this place.
I'm 35 now and every day I wake up wishing I hadn't. Or had had the guts to finish it. Any any time in my waking life. But alas. I'm still going through it and not keeping jobs to long cuz before I know it my brain does it's thing and I'm beating the fuck out my head with my fists hoping I hit it just right one day I never wake up and my family finds my cats eating my body. Well until I go full homeless here in about a year. Some people start early and it never leaves.
Oldest thing in my head is "I don't belong here".