tw grooming and stuff
when i was 12 years old i met a man on the internet who claimed to be 15, we started getting closer and closer and i developed feelings for him. i confessed finally and he said he also had feelings for me and we began dating, ~5 months later he confessed to me that he was actually 22. at that point i was really in love with him so i didnt care as much as i shouldve, i was disgusted but i had so much love for him that we just ended up being off and on for around 6 months. this whole time he had never said anything sexual to me because he was asexual but i was very hypersexual so i convinced him to sext with me (i know that was a bad choice now and i was only thinking with my dick) anyways 2 months of kinda sexting goes on and we decide that we should meet up irl. at first we didnt do anything irl but eventually we started to slowly do stuff, at the time i was extremely insecure and suffering from an eating disorder. we tried to have sex a few times but he couldnt stay hard enough for it to actually work, this took the biggest toll ever on my self esteem since i was already dealing with my eating disorder and hody dysmorphia i thought that this meant i was too ugly for anyone (this is still an issue for me and will be for the rest of the story) eventually we ended up having sex for real. and after that we continued to be off and on again for around a year. i have cut him off since then and tried therapy and meds but heres my real issue: i miss him so badly. ive never had that much love for someone in my entire life. im aware of how horrible he is and how badly he fucked me over but i still love him, i miss how warm his hugs were and how his kisses felt. i miss talking to him every day. i just have no hope when my only reason to live is in the hopes that we could actually get back together one day. i regret every moment we had together, the kissing, the fucking, the arguing i hate it all but i cant help but miss him. i dont know whats wrong with me. i feel like ill never be loved that way again and i dont think i can ever love anyone again either i am such a mess and therapy has done nothing for me at all im just so close to ending it. sorry for anyone who actually read that all lol
when i was 12 years old i met a man on the internet who claimed to be 15, we started getting closer and closer and i developed feelings for him. i confessed finally and he said he also had feelings for me and we began dating, ~5 months later he confessed to me that he was actually 22. at that point i was really in love with him so i didnt care as much as i shouldve, i was disgusted but i had so much love for him that we just ended up being off and on for around 6 months. this whole time he had never said anything sexual to me because he was asexual but i was very hypersexual so i convinced him to sext with me (i know that was a bad choice now and i was only thinking with my dick) anyways 2 months of kinda sexting goes on and we decide that we should meet up irl. at first we didnt do anything irl but eventually we started to slowly do stuff, at the time i was extremely insecure and suffering from an eating disorder. we tried to have sex a few times but he couldnt stay hard enough for it to actually work, this took the biggest toll ever on my self esteem since i was already dealing with my eating disorder and hody dysmorphia i thought that this meant i was too ugly for anyone (this is still an issue for me and will be for the rest of the story) eventually we ended up having sex for real. and after that we continued to be off and on again for around a year. i have cut him off since then and tried therapy and meds but heres my real issue: i miss him so badly. ive never had that much love for someone in my entire life. im aware of how horrible he is and how badly he fucked me over but i still love him, i miss how warm his hugs were and how his kisses felt. i miss talking to him every day. i just have no hope when my only reason to live is in the hopes that we could actually get back together one day. i regret every moment we had together, the kissing, the fucking, the arguing i hate it all but i cant help but miss him. i dont know whats wrong with me. i feel like ill never be loved that way again and i dont think i can ever love anyone again either i am such a mess and therapy has done nothing for me at all im just so close to ending it. sorry for anyone who actually read that all lol
