What’s going on in my head?..

[bluevelvettears]

Hey .. this is my first post
Im new to all this so I'm kind of nervous writing here .. but i wanted to let some things out .. so first of all .. i feel like im in a depressing movie or a game it doesent even feel like life anymore things got soo bad for no reason at all.. my mother changed so much and she treats me like garbage.. years ago when I could feel just a tiny bit of love from her .. I feel like I Lack love from my mother and it hurts cause she's the only one I have.. or had since it doesent even feel like she's here with me anymore… or maybe I'm the one who isn't here .. I lock myself in .. but I try to change to go out and meet my "friends" even tho I don't really feel connected to anyone .. I don't know what's wrong with me .. I wanted to talk to a therapist but I searched for excuses not to go because what if they tell me I'm perfectly fine .. what should I think of it cause I feel like a mess.. what if they can't relate .. I feel like lately nobody sees things the way I see them I feel like I'm soo different and invisible at the same time .. lately I've been crying so much at night and I couldn't even explain why i just cried and cried and stayed awake daily till around 5 am... and life feels like suffering even if there are small moments of happiness it fades away so fast and the sadness overwhelms it .. I used to cut myself because it felt like a relieve for some reason it calmed me down .. but when my mom saw it she called me sick and immediately told my whole family I felt so alone I felt so ashamed I could never do it again but instead of cutting now I cry so much .. I can't even stop.

Ctb crossed my mind every now and then and there's always like this feeling that I need to do it immediately .. but I'm scared of pain I'm scared of me loosing control of my body and I'm scared of dying but I don't want to be here anymore I feel miserable

And then sometimes I want to talk about my feeling but when I'm close to letting it all out just like now all of a sudden I forget everything like what was I talking about again? I don't know why Im like this why wont my body allow me to talk about my feeling why ..

I forgot what I was about to say to that's it for now :) thanks for reading

 

[MrDarkness]

I can relate in some way, I feel lack of love from anyone, I feel empty, I stopped cutting cause it doesn't work for me anymore, my friends never reach out never. If you need to talk my dms are always open. Tho considering your new, you need to make a few comments I think to have access to pm people

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really horrible suffering like that, I find it so awful how humans create so much harm in this world and are so cruel. But anyway I wish you the best, to me it's such a dreadful world we exist in where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own.