What's enough?

[Weather]

Always, since I was a child, for as long as I can remember, when given the opportunity to wish, it was always the same: I wish for someone to love me who I can love back. It's probably, selfishly, why I had my first child if I'm being honest with myself. And then I have my spouse -- who I have been with for a decade now -- and he says he loves me and does things that make it seem like he loves me.

But, it doesn't work. I always thought if I just had someone who loved me, that everything would be ok. It would all fit together. But it hasn't. I'm still sad and angry. I still feel worthless and ugly and dumb. I still have to be hypervigilant and control everything. Does that mean that I was wrong and love can't help me, or does it mean that I'm not really loved? It has to be one or the other, right?

I've been feeling more and more like an asshole on this forum. I have always been able to... achieve, I guess... despite how I feel. I've been able to obtain things that I know other people want (partner, education, career, ability to make most decisions for myself, etc.) and just don't have. So why do I keep getting pulled back down? Why can nothing make it feel ok? Why doesn't anything matter?

 

[Yuki Tenuki]

My gf used to say that life is meaningless, lacking any significance. It was never enough for her that she had a first-class education, a prestigious degree, an extremely demanding but still existing and caring family. And obviously my love wasn't good enough considering her suicide a few years ago. But that doesn't mean we didn't love her. We did (and still do). Regarding this, it's not a question of love but rather of being ready to endure, of accepting precipitation, of accepting life at all.

 

[Symbiote]

I have the same issues. I know I am ambitious, can get what I need to survive, and so on, but I just can't seem to connect with people especially outside the trauma. I can connect well with some of the folks in here, but I can't connect to my wife because she came from a privileged background, a loving family, and a stress-free upbringing. One of the issues I had was seeing myself for who I am. I made great strides in improving myself as a person, but the ingrained belief systems from my childhood held me back from healing mentally. The more clarity I gain, the more I despise myself.

I'm not sure if I even want love anymore because I was only loved when I provided something of value. For my mom, I provided my body to others for her financial gain. For my wife, I am her narc fuel. Love is conditional or an agreement of terms. A transaction. It feels like the more miserable I am, the more happier the people closest to me become. Feelings of shame and guilt because whenever I share a feeling or enjoy a hobby causes my wife mental anguish or makes her enraged that I enjoy things.

The only thing that's enough in the world for me...is me. I just need to enjoy myself again, heal myself, and live for myself and no one else. I've felt like I've been living for someone else all my life, following in their footsteps, and getting hurt over and over again. It's time I break away from all that and see if I can live up to my full potential.

 

[Deleted member 94]

Always, since I was a child, for as long as I can remember, when given the opportunity to wish, it was always the same: I wish for someone to love me who I can love back. It's probably, selfishly, why I had my first child if I'm being honest with myself. And then I have my spouse -- who I have been with for a decade now -- and he says he loves me and does things that make it seem like he loves me.

But, it doesn't work. I always thought if I just had someone who loved me, that everything would be ok. It would all fit together. But it hasn't. I'm still sad and angry. I still feel worthless and ugly and dumb. I still have to be hypervigilant and control everything. Does that mean that I was wrong and love can't help me, or does it mean that I'm not really loved? It has to be one or the other, right?

I've been feeling more and more like an asshole on this forum. I have always been able to... achieve, I guess... despite how I feel. I've been able to obtain things that I know other people want (partner, education, career, ability to make most decisions for myself, etc.) and just don't have. So why do I keep getting pulled back down? Why can nothing make it feel ok? Why doesn't anything matter?

It's just our brains are broken according to all medical scientists and practitioners.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Did you have a difficult childhood? Based on what you wrote, it sounds like perhaps that could be a reason. For a long time, I've felt as though like I have a deep void inside. That could be due to mental illness, it could be my childhood, maybe my past relationship...idk.

 

[reasonabledoubt]

Always, since I was a child, for as long as I can remember, when given the opportunity to wish, it was always the same: I wish for someone to love me who I can love back. It's probably, selfishly, why I had my first child if I'm being honest with myself. And then I have my spouse -- who I have been with for a decade now -- and he says he loves me and does things that make it seem like he loves me.

But, it doesn't work. I always thought if I just had someone who loved me, that everything would be ok. It would all fit together. But it hasn't. I'm still sad and angry. I still feel worthless and ugly and dumb. I still have to be hypervigilant and control everything. Does that mean that I was wrong and love can't help me, or does it mean that I'm not really loved? It has to be one or the other, right?

I've been feeling more and more like an asshole on this forum. I have always been able to... achieve, I guess... despite how I feel. I've been able to obtain things that I know other people want (partner, education, career, ability to make most decisions for myself, etc.) and just don't have. So why do I keep getting pulled back down? Why can nothing make it feel ok? Why doesn't anything matter?

Oh...thats heartbreaking that even as a child you felt not loved.
I try to Express myself as i am not a native english speaker.
I think when our basic needs (during early childhood) are Not fulfilled, there is a void, which can never be filled with anything coming from the outside. probably it is to simpel of an explanation. this void is maybe even caused by epigenetics In case you had stressfree upbringing.
during my treatment at a day hospital I met a lot of people they have severe mental illnesses like BPD and ED on Top of that BD but no Depression, which I couldn't even believe before.
So many of them have relationships, career, education, one is even considered to be highly intelligent, but still she Is diagnosed with complex ptsd and bpd without a depression. (btw I am not saying that iq have anything to do with mental health just stating that she was able to study biology and now wants to continue studying because she is not depressed).

 

[stygal]

I feel you, @Weather.
For me it's pretty much the same.
At the moment I don't really have to struggle and am okay with people surrounding me (just some self-isolation going on).
I also have a stable job and don't have to worry about money and at some point in my life (5 years ago) someone really loved me and cared about me.
I even had this intimate feeling of being so close to someone I nearly believed that person was my soulmate...still I was up all night googling ctb methods.
Why? I'll never really know for sure.

Okay, lately I have some physical pain going on that became my main reason to ctb but even before that I never was truly satisfied with my status quo.

 

[Donk]

Hey OP, I relate to what you are going through. I've been with my spouse for 10 years and she has been really supportive of me. I had a career before going on Disability. and a dog which I love to death. Externally I seemed to have a pretty decent life. Yet I still feel the same way you do. I feel worthless and I don't belong in this world. I'm really struggling both physically and mentally. (thanks to childhood trauma) CTB seems to be my last stop no matter which road I take.

 

[Weather]

My childhood was... not perfect, but fine. I was abused by my father, but my mother ran away with us when I was young and by the time I was 12, I never had to see him again. We were poor, but lived with relatives so there was stability. My mother obviously had her own traumas from her marriage and needed me to be take care of her emotionally which is probably how I learned to put others' needs ahead of my own (which, honestly, isn't a terrible lesson). I had a lot of negative talk aimed at me ("you're not special," "why do you think you're so smart," "why can't you be like {someone else]," etc.), but I always thought that was normal until I was older and I heard other people talking about their parents/childhoods. I never talk about my childhood (even with therapists) because I always feel like I need to be very protective of my mother.

 

[reasonabledoubt]

My childhood was... not perfect, but fine. I was abused by my father, but my mother ran away with us when I was young and by the time I was 12, I never had to see him again. We were poor, but lived with relatives so there was stability. My mother obviously had her own traumas from her marriage and needed me to be take care of her emotionally which is probably how I learned to put others' needs ahead of my own (which, honestly, isn't a terrible lesson). I had a lot of negative talk aimed at me ("you're not special," "why do you think you're so smart," "why can't you be like {someone else]," etc.), but I always thought that was normal until I was older and I heard other people talking about their parents/childhoods. I never talk about my childhood (even with therapists) because I always feel like I need to be very protective of my mother.

Honestly, i am kind of mindblown. there you have more than enough reasons, maybe more exactly, answers or explanations for yourself, for feeling the way you feel today.
Emotional abuse can feel as bad as beeing physically abused.
if i am not mistaken by the age of 12 your reality or the way you see the world is already kind of established, for sure you still can make positive experiences and rewrite some of the abuse, but as this is not the case...now obviously I cant and won't diagnose someone, but for me this short insight is enough to feel compassion for you and maybe validate youre feelings, it makes perfectly sense.