Pure
Specialist
- Jun 29, 2021
- 366
I've literally spent months, maybe years in bed if you total up all the time I've been depressed and suicidal in bed and I wonder what has been stopping me from finally kicking the bucket (metaphorically because full suspension isn't in my list of preferred methods lol).
A mini life story I guess lol:
9 was when I had my first suicidal tendency but I think I was normal up until 15ish before I became seriously depressed and stopped talking to my parents because they were my biggest triggers. Lasted until 16ish (finally started talking to my parents again) and I think I was normal until 17 (my last year of high school) and then that's when my suicidal ideation really kicked into gears. I almost got committed that school year actually a few weeks before I graduated.
Anyways I went off to college that year not realizing the serious baggage I was carrying. I was an emotional vampire without realizing it which I believe is why (along with the fact that I'm not particularly attractive) I didn't really have a social life or make close friends there.
Anyways, I spent years 1-3 fucking suicidal and not doing shit about it. Just fantasized about offing myself and emotionally draining anyone who was unfortunate to interact with me. But finally I decided to go to a therapist beginning of my third year because I realized I needed to take personal responsibility and try to salvage my life instead of just blaming my parents for everything.
Therapy was ok I guess, mine did the best she could given that I was less of a human and more of a zombie. (This was also the year I discovered the og ss on reddit before the site nuked it, probably was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind completely).
My SI really geared up that year and I did a bunch of suicidal gestures and planning until I fucking had enough and went to a bridge to drown myself in the river. I spent hours just sitting there in the middle of the night with homeless people. I swear to God I was so miserable but I never jumped and the only reason I can think of is because I actually came down with a cold and a sore throat which just made me doing anything just all the more miserable. I wanted to die with all my senses intact. I called my therapist who got me to go to a hospital which landed me in a psych ward for a few days and they wouldn't release me until I promised to go to an intensive mental health program. The program was good but living with my parents during that time (for three months) was a fucking nightmare. I ended up getting into a huge fight with them because they were being emotional dickheads to my younger sister. Plot twist, both my sisters ended up ganging up on me with my parents and I could barely handle that and I truly was considering downing a bottle of random medicine (I do not recommend this please don't go out this way). Whatever, I was coerced into apologizing to my parents because I didn't have anywhere to live and I was completely financially dependent on them.
I went back to college eventually for my last year. I was more mentally stable now but it's impossible to make up any of the shit I missed out on while I was being an emotional vampire. Fast forward a year and a half later my family is taking a vacation on a cruise ship and I get into a fight with my older sister which made me so upset how she treated me I went up to the highest floor and once again did I jump? Nope. Beats me why I didn't do it. She had the audacity to bring up the fact that she visited me in the psych ward every day because we happened to have been living in the same city at the time. That's when I knew I can't fucking trust anyone in my family to not weaponize shit against me.
Now, over a year later I'm miserable again because family because my nonexistent self esteem because my loneliness. I'm sure I'm missing something.
And I have no idea what I'm still doing alive lol. I had so many opportunities to have exited and prevent this current misery and I have no idea why I never went through.
I think it may be do to my sheer arrogance lol. I always have hope that maybe one day I can finally stop being dumb and finally lose weight and become attractive (I'm obese, always have been) and maybe find someone who sees me as an actual partner instead of an easy lay. I doubt any of that is gonna happen. I'm 23 (24 in a few weeks if I don't finally gather up the courage to ctb beforehand) which I know is technically young but I feel old and worn out. I hate letting people down in terms of the professional responsibility I have but idk maybe I'm just overestimating my role in people's lives. I'm just so miserable and I'm stuck in purgatory of I doubt I'll get any better but I'm still too much of a coward to just off myself.
If you read this word vomit to the end, here's a virtual gold star.
A mini life story I guess lol:
9 was when I had my first suicidal tendency but I think I was normal up until 15ish before I became seriously depressed and stopped talking to my parents because they were my biggest triggers. Lasted until 16ish (finally started talking to my parents again) and I think I was normal until 17 (my last year of high school) and then that's when my suicidal ideation really kicked into gears. I almost got committed that school year actually a few weeks before I graduated.
Anyways I went off to college that year not realizing the serious baggage I was carrying. I was an emotional vampire without realizing it which I believe is why (along with the fact that I'm not particularly attractive) I didn't really have a social life or make close friends there.
Anyways, I spent years 1-3 fucking suicidal and not doing shit about it. Just fantasized about offing myself and emotionally draining anyone who was unfortunate to interact with me. But finally I decided to go to a therapist beginning of my third year because I realized I needed to take personal responsibility and try to salvage my life instead of just blaming my parents for everything.
Therapy was ok I guess, mine did the best she could given that I was less of a human and more of a zombie. (This was also the year I discovered the og ss on reddit before the site nuked it, probably was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind completely).
My SI really geared up that year and I did a bunch of suicidal gestures and planning until I fucking had enough and went to a bridge to drown myself in the river. I spent hours just sitting there in the middle of the night with homeless people. I swear to God I was so miserable but I never jumped and the only reason I can think of is because I actually came down with a cold and a sore throat which just made me doing anything just all the more miserable. I wanted to die with all my senses intact. I called my therapist who got me to go to a hospital which landed me in a psych ward for a few days and they wouldn't release me until I promised to go to an intensive mental health program. The program was good but living with my parents during that time (for three months) was a fucking nightmare. I ended up getting into a huge fight with them because they were being emotional dickheads to my younger sister. Plot twist, both my sisters ended up ganging up on me with my parents and I could barely handle that and I truly was considering downing a bottle of random medicine (I do not recommend this please don't go out this way). Whatever, I was coerced into apologizing to my parents because I didn't have anywhere to live and I was completely financially dependent on them.
I went back to college eventually for my last year. I was more mentally stable now but it's impossible to make up any of the shit I missed out on while I was being an emotional vampire. Fast forward a year and a half later my family is taking a vacation on a cruise ship and I get into a fight with my older sister which made me so upset how she treated me I went up to the highest floor and once again did I jump? Nope. Beats me why I didn't do it. She had the audacity to bring up the fact that she visited me in the psych ward every day because we happened to have been living in the same city at the time. That's when I knew I can't fucking trust anyone in my family to not weaponize shit against me.
Now, over a year later I'm miserable again because family because my nonexistent self esteem because my loneliness. I'm sure I'm missing something.
And I have no idea what I'm still doing alive lol. I had so many opportunities to have exited and prevent this current misery and I have no idea why I never went through.
I think it may be do to my sheer arrogance lol. I always have hope that maybe one day I can finally stop being dumb and finally lose weight and become attractive (I'm obese, always have been) and maybe find someone who sees me as an actual partner instead of an easy lay. I doubt any of that is gonna happen. I'm 23 (24 in a few weeks if I don't finally gather up the courage to ctb beforehand) which I know is technically young but I feel old and worn out. I hate letting people down in terms of the professional responsibility I have but idk maybe I'm just overestimating my role in people's lives. I'm just so miserable and I'm stuck in purgatory of I doubt I'll get any better but I'm still too much of a coward to just off myself.
If you read this word vomit to the end, here's a virtual gold star.
