What you think about my suicide note

[𝐘𝐨ñ𝐥𝐮]

First of all, I apologize. I understand that this is a very selfish and insensitive attitude toward those who have dedicated their entire lives, love, and time to my well-being. But in the same way that I understand, I ask for your understanding. I was born broken; I've always had to deal with problems beyond my control and even my perception. I've always been forced to deal with a pure, victimless hatred growing inside me. I didn't hate something or someone, I just hated. And all this stored hatred for so many years started to turn against me. I've always lived with the weight of my inadequacy in everything. Things always seemed easy for everyone else... Finding a partner, making friends, loving oneself, liking what you are – for me, it has always felt near impossible. It seemed like I increasingly hated myself. Every time I thought of myself, I involuntarily remembered that I was useless, insensitive, ugly, fat, annoying, arrogant, bad, strange, a failure, insufficient... Unable to be loved by anyone who didn't owe me unconditional love.

Honestly, I don't know what caused this spiral of disappointment and self-loathing. I can think of various reasons: paternal abandonment, romantic failure, sexual abuse, or perhaps the growing need to have absolute control over others or make them suffer to feed my perverse desires and pleasures. But one thing has always been clear to me – the ascendancy of my inner demons has always been inevitable. I didn't know when or where it would happen, but I knew it would. I've never had to go through major difficulties at home. My mother and grandparents always gave me everything possible, and I'm eternally grateful to them. I'm ashamed to burden them with having known me and not leading to anything but pain. But in the end, I feel like I've never caused anything but pain.

I'm afraid that life is just this amalgamation of pain, hatred, and suffering, but it's hard to say that I've ever felt anything beyond that. However, I'm more afraid that it's not just that and that I've deprived myself of these feelings out of fear of repeating the traumas and resentments that haunt me.

I hate how I let my life fall apart like this because it's no one's fault but my own. I feel ashamed to deprive my sister, who knows nothing of life, of the possibility of growing up without this pain that I didn't make stop, only passed on.

I feel disgusted with myself every time I look back and remember the things I did and didn't do, when I look in the mirror and see how ugly I am, when I look at my future and can't imagine anything but more pain and suffering.

I feel guilty for all the suffering I've caused to everyone who loved me.

I miss a time that I never had where I didn't have problems, sorrows, and regrets – a part free from everything that afflicts me today.

I hope to find peace where I'm going, and I hope you can forgive me for being too weak to keep trying.

Goodbye, and thank you for everything. I love you all.

 

[avaruus]

I don't know your situation or life in detail, so it's hard to properly 'criticize' your note.
For example, to say what more should you add etc.
Maybe if you want to say or list your favorite songs, movies or something that sort of stuff, that they can remember you while, if you know what i mean.

Personally i will give them usb drive, which has over a 100 songs, that were my favorites.
And it also includes a .txt file, where i recommended a bunch of manga and anime.
Also it includes a folder with bunch of my favorite manga panels, and another folder with pictures of me and my family together.

Maybe if you want to, you could also do something similar, maybe not that extensively, maybe just mention a one song or something, if you just want to.

But otherwise, it seems good, well thought and well written. :)