Volatile
God
- Jun 18, 2018
- 1,286
I think I'm getting close because I have started to look forward to it the same way I look forward to sleep every night.
I mean to the extent where I look forward to finally finding out the pain of the method. And I have started to want to have the experience of dying itself.
When I first started feeling suicidal, I used to think that I wanted to just press a button to CTB if one existed. But now I no longer care about abstract impossibilities, and my thoughts actually focus on wanting my method to be real. I used to only dream of the result, but now I no longer shun away the thoughts of the method that will bring about that result.
Earlier into the beginning of my ideations would avoid thinking about what would be the subjective experience while carrying out my method was happening to me. Now, I actually revel in that thought and have a smile.
I dwell on what I will experience soon the same way that one dwells on a pleasant memory of childhood. I feel nostalgic about something of the future. So deeply I feel the anticipation that it has itself become a type of memory in my psyche that feels like CTB will not just be something that is going to happen but that it also has already happened because I decided it. It feels like everything that comes hereafter in life will just be muscles performing commands from a nervous system that has already sent the orders.
ThankWell, I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you're at peace with the choice you've made and you've definitely made it. I've read that suicidal people are not always so easy to spot, since some of them, once they make the real decision to end their lives, actually feel relieved and happier knowing that it will be over soon. Ergo, once they've made that decision they actually seem happy and fine to the outside world, and that's why they "couldn't prevent it".
I have to confess I envy you. I wish I could arrive at the decision with absolute certainty to the point where I'm actually looking forward to it in a sort of nostalgic bliss like you describe. I'm still very much battling inside, wondering if there's the smallest glimmer of hope that can salvage this sinking ship that is my life. Alas, I'm yet to arrive to that certainty.
Whatever you ultimately end up doing or not doing I wish you the best!
Nowadays I am past my prime. In this world, a woman nearing her 30s loses most of her value at the eyes of society. Not like it matters at all to me, since I want nothing with this reality, but it is an extra reason to not keep on living. I didn't get to enjoy my childhood, teenhood and early adulthood in this world, why would I enjoy being an older person?
Sorry about that. It sucks.Fuck. I turn 30 this autumn. You've described my feelings perfectly.
For me, I am way past my time to kill myself. I am basically a rotten fruit by now. The thing is, even if I am beyond my desired time to kill myself, I am simply not allowed to. But someday I will be allowed, and it will not take a week at most from that moment for me to be gone.
Suicide was the only choice for me and knew that very early, when I was an adolescent still. I have lived in a grayscale world as far as I can remember and my ability to travel to different places and stay there consistently (in my head) diminished considerably as I got older. I just don't like this world, this reality, etc. I wasn't made for it. Of course, this isn't all. I have to go through gender, sexuality and self image issues, too and since I was never able to fit in and enjoy life and myself, I slowly became a reclusive person. A hikikomori, if you will.
Nowadays I am past my prime. In this world, a woman nearing her 30s loses most of her value at the eyes of society. Not like it matters at all to me, since I want nothing with this reality, but it is an extra reason to not keep on living. I didn't get to enjoy my childhood, teenhood and early adulthood in this world, why would I enjoy being an older person?
Also, I will be 28 in a few months and I never finished college or whatever. I dropped from it in 2012. I am basically useless. So when I look at it, there is really no reason to keep on living.
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OP, only you can figure that out. Only you will know what is your tipping point. Your point of no return. There was a time where something inside me changed. Despite everything I said above, up until some point I still had silly pseudo hopes and dreams, and tried to fit in, etc. But one day, I knew it was all pointless. I was fooling myself. For me, there is no turning back now. I am just playing the waiting game, and hoping either nothing or what I desire waits for me in the after death.
I see. But I don't really desire to graduate or anything like that. I am set on killing myself, so there is no reason to dedicate so much time to college at this point. Plus, I would rather spend that time staying with my dog, who will not live forever. What I really desire is either beyond this life or just plain impossible.Reading you is like reading myself when I was 28. That is EXACTLY how I felt. I ended up graduating from the university at your age, which I already thought was late, and it is, depending on what you want to do. If your passion is business, then no, it's not too late, or anything that doesn't rely on your age to be honest. My curse is that I've always liked the artistic careers where age really does matter. I'm aware that I'm not ACTUALLY old, but I sure feel like it. The day I turned 30 whatever hopes of ever doing what I liked went down the drain. Also, the reality is that I never really worked towards doing what I truly like, always following others' advice (or rather orders) and never really giving it a shot to begin with. I think what hurts the most is the idea of what could have been. Like, deep, deep, DEEP inside a part of me truly believed I could've made it as an actress or a singer. Of course I don't believe there's any hope now, at all, or I wouldn't be here but rather working towards achieving that, knowing how much time and life I've wasted by trying to make others happy. If I were still 28, knowing what I know today and seeing myself today, I think I would risk it all, like I always wanted. 2 good years left until 30.
I fantasized about running away ever since I was a kid. When I say running away I don't mean like from my parents but from EVERYTHING. Literally starting over in another country where nobody knows me or my story. I came close to selling what little stuff I have which isn't much and just buying a one way ticket to wherever, like in the movie I think it's Into the Wild? Anyway, I never had the guts. I've always been scared out of my mind of failure, and ironically, I've just remained frozen, thus failing by default.