Discussion What would you change about yourself and why?

[15dec]

I'd change my personality and mental health. The reason being, these are the main reasons why I want to ctb as they make my life incredibly unbearable. I'm not a very good person and always end up hurting people around me and combined with my mental health I'm pretty toxic to be around and impossible to deal with or keep up with. Being able to change these things would make me happier as well as prevent, or at least reduce, how much of a negative impact I have on other people.

Also, sorry if some of the options seem kinda offensive, they just popped into my head as reasons why someone might want to change about themselves or ctb, as well as possibly having good discussion value and hopefully an opportunity to support other members :)

 

[TAW122]

For me, I would change my appearance (I wished I wasn't born as an Asian let alone in America or in the western world), I wished I had a more likeable and agreeable personality which would have allowed me to make friends more easily perhaps even pick up a date, and I wished I never had Aspergers as that has fucked me up in the real world (sure I have a lot of intelligence and can do some cool things with it and get far in an intellect battle against normies, but it does nothing beneficial for me in the real world, which is ruled by normies and social skills and what not goes A LOT further than just intellect).

Finally, I wished I had more capabilities so I am not limited to what I can do in life, such as being able to be more athletic or even more talented in the arts.

 

[15dec]

For me, I would change my appearance (I wished I wasn't born as an Asian let alone in America or in the western world), I wished I had a more likeable and agreeable personality which would have allowed me to make friends more easily perhaps even pick up a date, and I wished I never had Aspergers as that has fucked me up in the real world (sure I have a lot of intelligence and can do some cool things with it and get far in an intellect battle against normies, but it does nothing beneficial for me in the real world, which is ruled by normies and social skills and what not goes A LOT further than just intellect).

Finally, I wished I had more capabilities so I am not limited to what I can do in life, such as being able to be more athletic or even more talented in the arts.

I understand what you mean with the intellect thing. Everytime I talk about being depressed/suicidal or have tried to get support I always hear "but you're smart, you did well in your exams and you've got a bright future". Thing is, that doesn't make me happy, and I don't want that future if I'm going to be miserable in it and carry on hurting people despite my best efforts. It's frustrating. I'm sorry you've had to struggle with other things though, I wish I could do more to help or make you feel better. Hugs

 

[BA81]

For me, I would change my appearance (I wished I wasn't born as an Asian let alone in America or in the western world), I wished I had a more likeable and agreeable personality which would have allowed me to make friends more easily perhaps even pick up a date, and I wished I never had Aspergers as that has fucked me up in the real world (sure I have a lot of intelligence and can do some cool things with it and get far in an intellect battle against normies, but it does nothing beneficial for me in the real world, which is ruled by normies and social skills and what not goes A LOT further than just intellect).

Finally, I wished I had more capabilities so I am not limited to what I can do in life, such as being able to be more athletic or even more talented in the arts.

What kind of problems do you think you have being Asian in America? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious.

 

[Autumn Winter]

I'd def change my personality. I feel like im such a boring, weird, awkward person that no one wants to be true friends with me. I also would like to be able to speak before a huge crowd.

 

[stellabelle]

My memories. If I could lose them all, I'd be better off, and maybe less likely to ctb.

 

[15dec]

I'd def change my personality. I feel like im such a boring, weird, awkward person that no one wants to be true friends with me. I also would like to be able to speak before a huge crowd.

I understand, I feel incredibly bland at best. Everyone else seems so interesting and happy and funny but I'm just there not really contributing anything positive or interesting. I'm not good at speaking to crowds either but it's something you have to practice to get better at so you could always try that if you wanted to. Sending hugs

 

[Fcancer]

Take me back to when cancer didn't bend me over the kitchen table. Have dealt with mental health issues for 15 or so years, and it's been hell but dealt with it. Wasn't until cancer twice that I threw in the towel.

 

[netrezven]

First thing i have to do is to erase myself and my memories again. Have done it already and it works fine, i'm not joking about it, and is a great gift to have. Won't ever try to remember my old me or life from back to 2018 and before. It's not that hard to hide amnesia from people. No one will ever believe it and no one will check you with false questions.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Physical/mental health. My brain has always been pretty shaky and at times completely failed me, and I've been living with an undiagnosed medical condition for years now. As much as I've tried to not let it consume me, it's wearing me down a lot, and aging me quickly. I feel like an old man in my day to day life, and my world is very small. I can't even fight it because there's nothing to really work with. Or at least, not enough.

 

[TAW122]

I understand what you mean with the intellect thing. Everytime I talk about being depressed/suicidal or have tried to get support I always hear "but you're smart, you did well in your exams and you've got a bright future". Thing is, that doesn't make me happy, and I don't want that future if I'm going to be miserable in it and carry on hurting people despite my best efforts. It's frustrating. I'm sorry you've had to struggle with other things though, I wish I could do more to help or make you feel better. Hugs

Thanks and I'm glad that you could relate to my struggles in a way.

What kind of problems do you think you have being Asian in America? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious.

My problems are not limited to but include being a model minority which means that positive stereotypes are often reinforced and society expects us to live up to them and when we don't we get called lazy or just not good enough. Then of course, there is the dating problem (see Wilkes McDermid's post) in regards to this issue. I don't meet the criteria listed and coupled with the fact that I have Aspergers, I couldn't even make friends if I chose to, let alone get a relationship. When I was younger I wanted to get into a relationship partly due to societal pressure, but then I failed miserably and was the butt of jokes, not taken seriously, etc. I no longer wanted a relationship nor friends as I later saw them to be a hinderance and time waste as well as potential problems, but what depressed me a lot is the fact that I could never successful get a relationship with another woman (I don't mean prostitutes or people who befriend or get into relationships out of 'pity' - those don't count.) even if I tried or wanted to, while most other people get it so easily. There is more problems being Asian in America, but these are oftenly the main ones.

 

[lucines]

Appearance: People in the past have insinuated that I'm ugly and reading accounts of other ugly people has all but confirmed that I'm one of them as well. There's no specific feature I'd like to change, if total facial reconstruction were an option I'd take it.

Personality: Have been told from a young age that I'm boring, don't know what I'd want to be like though. A part of me feels like I'm not boring so much as that other people never bother to get to know me on a less superficial level.

Physical health: This one's mostly for monetary reasons. Yes, being sick often is annoying but would be more managable if meds weren't so expensive, especially since I'm in university and don't have the time or energy to hold a job on the side.

Mental health: I've been depressed for almost half my life now and I feel like it's made me way too bitter for someone who's only 20. Perhaps being depressed during my most formative years has damaged my brain so much that even if I were to miraculously recover it'd be too late but who knows, I'm just tired of living like this.

 

[gnrluver0105]

For me, I would change my appearance (I wished I wasn't born as an Asian let alone in America or in the western world), I wished I had a more likeable and agreeable personality which would have allowed me to make friends more easily perhaps even pick up a date, and I wished I never had Aspergers as that has fucked me up in the real world (sure I have a lot of intelligence and can do some cool things with it and get far in an intellect battle against normies, but it does nothing beneficial for me in the real world, which is ruled by normies and social skills and what not goes A LOT further than just intellect).

Finally, I wished I had more capabilities so I am not limited to what I can do in life, such as being able to be more athletic or even more talented in the arts.

Maybe you could go to another country, in Mexico a lot of girls are attracted to Asian boys, you know, anime, kpop and such things, if that's what can make you a little less depressed

 

[gnrluver0105]

Appearance: People in the past have insinuated that I'm ugly and reading accounts of other ugly people has all but confirmed that I'm one of them as well. There's no specific feature I'd like to change, if total facial reconstruction were an option I'd take it.

Personality: Have been told from a young age that I'm boring, don't know what I'd want to be like though. A part of me feels like I'm not boring so much as that other people never bother to get to know me on a less superficial level.

Physical health: This one's mostly for monetary reasons. Yes, being sick often is annoying but would be more managable if meds weren't so expensive, especially since I'm in university and don't have the time or energy to hold a job on the side.

Mental health: I've been depressed for almost half my life now and I feel like it's made me way too bitter for someone who's only 20. Perhaps being depressed during my most formative years has damaged my brain so much that even if I were to miraculously recover it'd be too late but who knows, I'm just tired of living like this.

I'm feel like I'm boring too, nobody ever tell me that, but recently I see myself that people often entertain themselves with pretty basic stuff, that for me is a lot boring, they always make the same jokes, always talk about the same shit, so for me now the majority of people are boring enough.

So don't underestimate yourself, maybe the problem it's other persons and not you.

 

[BA81]

Thanks and I'm glad that you could relate to my struggles in a way.

My problems are not limited to but include being a model minority which means that positive stereotypes are often reinforced and society expects us to live up to them and when we don't we get called lazy or just not good enough. Then of course, there is the dating problem (see Wilkes McDermid's post) in regards to this issue. I don't meet the criteria listed and coupled with the fact that I have Aspergers, I couldn't even make friends if I chose to, let alone get a relationship. When I was younger I wanted to get into a relationship partly due to societal pressure, but then I failed miserably and was the butt of jokes, not taken seriously, etc. I no longer wanted a relationship nor friends as I later saw them to be a hinderance and time waste as well as potential problems, but what depressed me a lot is the fact that I could never successful get a relationship with another woman (I don't mean prostitutes or people who befriend or get into relationships out of 'pity' - those don't count.) even if I tried or wanted to, while most other people get it so easily. There is more problems being Asian in America, but these are oftenly the main ones.

Thanks for taking the time to share that.

I'm not trying to minimise the impact the positive stereotypes have on your life because I understand that we all deal with problems in different ways. What I may view as a small problem might be a huge problem to you and what you might view as a small problem might be a huge problem to me.

However everybody is stereotyped to a degree, the degree that which a person is stereotyped and how it affects that person varies and can be very specific to that person. You will never be able to escape stereotypes whether they are positive, negative, subtle or extreme. You can only find a way to deal with them but the more you focus on stereotypes the more they will have an impact on you.

Society places pressure on everybody, but sometimes you have to say "fuck it" because your own well being is more important than the expectations of others. If you feel like you are going to crumble under pressure that a third party is placing on you and you have no alternatives left then just smile and wave your middle finger in the air. It's a better to do that than to crumble under pressure.

I tried to read the blog post from the link that you pasted in your comment but to be honest that blog post is not something that I can find easy to read. It's filled with opinion and not fact. Even if the experiences of that blogger are entirely true for him it doesn't mean it's true for everybody else. Looking at information provided by somebody that has failed with relationships is not the correct way to measure your relationship prospects.

If you want to find out how you can find a good relationship do not get advice from men that have failed at relationships. Get advice from women. Ask women who are looking for relationships what they are looking for. Ask women who are in long term relationships what keeps them in it.

Also you need to put your self into situation where relationships can develop.

I don't have any first hand experience with Asperger's but I'm absolutely sure that there are many people with Asperger's that are in successful relationships. Use them as an example and see how they did it.

 

[lucines]

I'm feel like I'm boring too, nobody ever tell me that, but recently I see myself that people often entertain themselves with pretty basic stuff, that for me is a lot boring, they always make the same jokes, always talk about the same shit, so for me now the majority of people are boring enough.

So don't underestimate yourself, maybe the problem it's other persons and not you.

I guess the problem then becomes that even if everyone else is boring, at least they can be boring together while we wither away being by our lonesome all the time. We may tell ourselves we're not the problem, that we're the interesting ones and they aren't but how much is our 'interestingness' worth if the majority perceives us otherwise. It's a shitty situation to be in.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I would reinvent myself completely and be a harder person. Most important of all, I wouldn't be an empath. Being sensitive in this dog-eat-dog world is soul-destroying. Plus, I'd be healthy of course both physically and mentally.

 

[Johnnythefox]

1. Personality: I'd like to be more positive, it seems like all my life I have embraced negativity.
2. Mental health: I think anyone would want good mental health.
3. Academic ability: I messed up in secondary school, on hindsight I should have done a lot better.
4. Outlook on life: I think number one covers that.

I'm no Brad Pitt, but I don't think I'm quasimodo either. Appearances can be improved through medical intervention if necessary.
I would rather be unattractive and smart, than be good looking and dumb.

 

[Thoughtforms]

I'm not happy with my appearance but I'm working on that. I've already had work done ... plastic surgery (waste of money), dental work and fillers. I want a nose job and more filler but I've already spent so much.

Personality would be my number one. I just wish I was outgoing. One of those people who could talk to anyone and be really friendly.

 

[TAW122]

@gnrluver0105 I don't think I have the means to move to a different country, financially and logistically speaking. I can't just uproot myself to another place. I'm also not really fluent in another language other than English.

Also you need to put your self into situation where relationships can develop.

I don't have any first hand experience with Asperger's but I'm absolutely sure that there are many people with Asperger's that are in successful relationships. Use them as an example and see how they did it.

Thanks for taking your time to respond to my reply. Unfortunately, I have already made up my mind after over a decade of social failure, I'm just too tired and frustrated to keep going and trying (with no evidence or guarantee of success). I could barely even make friends let alone get a relationship. Furthermore, I've also have personal reasons as to why I'm lonely and single, including the fact that I don't want to be too close to someone nowadays for fear that they may learn of my plan to ctb.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

I would change almost everything.
Appearance: I'm definitely not the most attractive person out at the moment and hate even seeing myself in the mirror and there is no chance anyone would be attracted to me because if this.
Personality: I don't even know who I am and this fake persona that I've spent years building that I can't destroy or people will know something is wrong, is a straight up bitch that doesn't care about anyone.
Mental Health: well, self explanitory. I haven't had an assessment yet but apparently I show signs of depressions, anxiety, bipolar, maybe borderline personality and small signs of trauma
Academic/Physical ability: well, put it this way, I'm shit at everything I do
Outlook in Life: and does ' I wanna die' explain this?

Pretty much I would change almost everything cause I'm just a generally shit person

 

[Aesthler]

I'd wipe my memory of all the things I've ever regretted or things that caused me pain or trauma in my life.
Who knows might make a difference?

 

[therhydler]

My memories. If I could lose them all, I'd be better off, and maybe less likely to ctb.

Yes, thats it! Memories... they are killing me...

 

[Logic]

I'd change my personality and mental health. The reason being, these are the main reasons why I want to ctb as they make my life incredibly unbearable. I'm not a very good person and always end up hurting people around me and combined with my mental health I'm pretty toxic to be around and impossible to deal with or keep up with. Being able to change these things would make me happier as well as prevent, or at least reduce, how much of a negative impact I have on other people.

Also, sorry if some of the options seem kinda offensive, they just popped into my head as reasons why someone might want to change about themselves or ctb, as well as possibly having good discussion value and hopefully an opportunity to support other members :)

I would give myself super Intelligence which is the most underrated super power ever. Whenever someone is suppose to be gaining superintelligence they don't they stay human levels in intelligence/delusions etc. ie they think they are smarter but they are not. What they actually portray is a human with powers. Even something like the Christian God is only portrayed as human levels in intelligence with powers.

 

[Redt2go]

I wish I could be normal and happy like my peers