I try to fight to avoid my suicide. I try a lot. Despite the fact my chances are low I really dedicate my time and energy into my attempt to recover. I think this is a good attitude. I am kind of proud of it. Though life can be often quite cynical despite we dedicate all of our energy our hopes can be dissapointed. I am really scared about that. I hope that I can say at the end of my life that I at least tried with all of my energy to avoid a disaster. My hope is even if I commit suicide it will hopefully comfort me that I really tried to use my chances. Another thing that should comfort me is the thought that I am not the one to be blamed for such a failed life. (my parents/bullies instead)
I have asked me this quite often how much am I ready to sacrifice for winning this fight? David Foster Wallace who I really admire also tried almost everything to avoid his suicide. (In the end he committed suicide though,) Sometimes I have the feeling I rather only postpone my suicide though play the cards I have been dealt the best way I can. However I have reached at least for now way more life quality compared to my situation 2-3 years ago. I count that as a big accomplishment. It has shown me in some way that my fight is not completely useless/wasted energy.
I invested huge energy in it and made some bold decisions which paid off. Still I am pretty fragile and my attempt could still backfire. I had a little bit luck in the last months not everything could have been predicted. However I still can't really see an happy end for myself but currently I have less existential pain. I am still struggling daily but damn the past was WAY WAY worse.
I have made some concessions in order to reach this state. At first I really protested and did not want to take my medication. I rebelled against it for a long time. The years in which I did not take it were insane. I wanted to make it without the medication but my suffering was completely unbearable. I was really stubborn. In the end I was more or less forced by the circumstances (getting a job) to take them. After I was fired I considered to stop taking them again. But after a short time I have recognized that I don't want abstain from my new life quality. I still suffered extremely to that time but the pain was like 20% lower. It was an easy decision in the end not to stop taking them.
There were a lot of reasons why I was hesitant on the medication. I had a lot of side effects and I have heard really bad stories about them. After a time period I just accepted that my mind is dependent on them. I gave up my rebelion and I don't regret that. This was probably one of the best choices I have made in the last years. DFW was for me an inspiration. He was kind of role model for me in what he has tried to escape his hell.
Though despite all of my efforts I still suffered severely. I was very very desperate. I developed a mixed-manic episode which was unbearable. It is not clear what ended this nightmarish pain. I tried A LOT of different medication in order to ease the pain. Most of them barely made a difference. But then I insisted on trying another one (a mood stabilizer). It is not really clear if this had a causal connection but 2 days after I took it first my mental state improved a lot. My torturous psychosomatic pain disappeared. Though this medication had very nasty side effects. I could barely eat anything anymore otherwise I would have gained weight. And I have atypical anorexia gaining weight was absolutely no option.
This was a horrbile scenario for me. I was dependent on that medication despite all these side effects. After 8 months I tried to live without it. It thundering backfired. I became extremely depressed and suicidal. This was a very frightening experience. So I took it another 9 months. So until March 2022. It was really dangerous to quit it once again. Though I had success. My therapists also supported me in this decision. Yeah I am now off that medication for 1,5 months and nothing horrible happened. At first I have become a little bit manic but with other medication I could control it. I would be so happy if I could live forever without that mood stabilizer. Or that I only have to take it during extreme severe depressions and not for the rest of my life. With the rest of my medication I am okay now. They cause less severe side effects. But the side effects with the mood stabilizer were horrible.
This whole experience raised the question of the title. In order to recover I would have probably accepted to live with the mood stabilizer for the rest of my life. I said to me if the second attempt to stop it fails I will take it forever. This was also my philsophy with the rest of medication. I have tried twice to quit my antipsychotic medication. Both backfired in a horrible way. I am glad that I am now at peace with them. Though they don't really affect one of my biggest anxieties. They do not let me gain weight. I am not sure whether I could sacrifice my normal weight in order to recover. I think if I was overweight I would become way more suicidal and my self-hatred would be extreme. (I was bullied a lot for obesity.)
I am not sure whether I would sacrifice all my principles for recovery. And not always it pays off. I often had the debate inside myself in case there was a medication which would help a lot if I took it despite I would gaine like 50 kilograms. I am very glad I don't have to make that decision for now...
I think I am willing to sacrifice a lot for escaping my hell-hole. Whether I will have an happy end is not clear. I try not to ruminate so much whether it really makes sense to fight. I just try to do it. I am in a cage concerning all my OCD behaviors but for the moment I am glad about what I have succeeded.
Maybe it sounds very arrogant to say that I am willing to sacrifice a lot. As I said I have some red lines. I probably would not cross them.
I have asked me this quite often how much am I ready to sacrifice for winning this fight? David Foster Wallace who I really admire also tried almost everything to avoid his suicide. (In the end he committed suicide though,) Sometimes I have the feeling I rather only postpone my suicide though play the cards I have been dealt the best way I can. However I have reached at least for now way more life quality compared to my situation 2-3 years ago. I count that as a big accomplishment. It has shown me in some way that my fight is not completely useless/wasted energy.
I invested huge energy in it and made some bold decisions which paid off. Still I am pretty fragile and my attempt could still backfire. I had a little bit luck in the last months not everything could have been predicted. However I still can't really see an happy end for myself but currently I have less existential pain. I am still struggling daily but damn the past was WAY WAY worse.
I have made some concessions in order to reach this state. At first I really protested and did not want to take my medication. I rebelled against it for a long time. The years in which I did not take it were insane. I wanted to make it without the medication but my suffering was completely unbearable. I was really stubborn. In the end I was more or less forced by the circumstances (getting a job) to take them. After I was fired I considered to stop taking them again. But after a short time I have recognized that I don't want abstain from my new life quality. I still suffered extremely to that time but the pain was like 20% lower. It was an easy decision in the end not to stop taking them.
There were a lot of reasons why I was hesitant on the medication. I had a lot of side effects and I have heard really bad stories about them. After a time period I just accepted that my mind is dependent on them. I gave up my rebelion and I don't regret that. This was probably one of the best choices I have made in the last years. DFW was for me an inspiration. He was kind of role model for me in what he has tried to escape his hell.
Though despite all of my efforts I still suffered severely. I was very very desperate. I developed a mixed-manic episode which was unbearable. It is not clear what ended this nightmarish pain. I tried A LOT of different medication in order to ease the pain. Most of them barely made a difference. But then I insisted on trying another one (a mood stabilizer). It is not really clear if this had a causal connection but 2 days after I took it first my mental state improved a lot. My torturous psychosomatic pain disappeared. Though this medication had very nasty side effects. I could barely eat anything anymore otherwise I would have gained weight. And I have atypical anorexia gaining weight was absolutely no option.
This was a horrbile scenario for me. I was dependent on that medication despite all these side effects. After 8 months I tried to live without it. It thundering backfired. I became extremely depressed and suicidal. This was a very frightening experience. So I took it another 9 months. So until March 2022. It was really dangerous to quit it once again. Though I had success. My therapists also supported me in this decision. Yeah I am now off that medication for 1,5 months and nothing horrible happened. At first I have become a little bit manic but with other medication I could control it. I would be so happy if I could live forever without that mood stabilizer. Or that I only have to take it during extreme severe depressions and not for the rest of my life. With the rest of my medication I am okay now. They cause less severe side effects. But the side effects with the mood stabilizer were horrible.
This whole experience raised the question of the title. In order to recover I would have probably accepted to live with the mood stabilizer for the rest of my life. I said to me if the second attempt to stop it fails I will take it forever. This was also my philsophy with the rest of medication. I have tried twice to quit my antipsychotic medication. Both backfired in a horrible way. I am glad that I am now at peace with them. Though they don't really affect one of my biggest anxieties. They do not let me gain weight. I am not sure whether I could sacrifice my normal weight in order to recover. I think if I was overweight I would become way more suicidal and my self-hatred would be extreme. (I was bullied a lot for obesity.)
I am not sure whether I would sacrifice all my principles for recovery. And not always it pays off. I often had the debate inside myself in case there was a medication which would help a lot if I took it despite I would gaine like 50 kilograms. I am very glad I don't have to make that decision for now...
I think I am willing to sacrifice a lot for escaping my hell-hole. Whether I will have an happy end is not clear. I try not to ruminate so much whether it really makes sense to fight. I just try to do it. I am in a cage concerning all my OCD behaviors but for the moment I am glad about what I have succeeded.
Maybe it sounds very arrogant to say that I am willing to sacrifice a lot. As I said I have some red lines. I probably would not cross them.
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