I feel beyond that now to be honest. If I answered that when I was younger, there would have been things I desperately wanted. I either worked super hard to at least achieve them partially- and yet, I still feel like this. Or, they would require too much to achieve now- I may still not achieve them despite the effort or, they may turn out to be as much of an anticlimax as the things I have achieved.
I'm pretty good at telling myself why certain things wouldn't work. In some ways, I think I'm accurate in that. I know from experience what does and doesn't make me feel better.
Maybe the biggest outstanding one would have been to find a partner. I think I'd have to be a different person for that now though. Not only would I need to make a whole lot more effort to be attractive, I don't think it would be fair to deliberately find someone when suicide is very firmly on the cards and I have no real intention to 'recover'.
In many ways, my reluctance to let go of who I feel I am now- I suppose wallowing in melancholly is stronger than my want to be with someone. I don't think many people really want to be around someone like that and I don't blame them. They'll either take it super seriously and be super worried and try to make things better. Then, I'd probably feel guilty and pretend to feel better but end up feeling like that was all an act. That seems like a very lonely way to live. Or I imagine they would just get oversaturated with it all and not take it seriously- which would also feel very lonely. So, I feel like my idea of love is more based on someone I'm not and fairy tales. I think the actual thing could end up making me feel worse!
It's a similar situation with career ambitions. I would have liked to have climbed higher but realistically, that would have meant working with others. Working with others who are far better than me, which just crushes what little confidence I have.
So, I suppose I just feel like realistically, in some ways my life is as good as it's gonna get and I still hate it! I suppose money would relieve some of the major stresses in my life but would do little to fix the core problems. Plus, I still wouldn't want to get old and ill.
no I owe it to myself to allow myself release after all that time coping with everything for the sake of others. There's so little time left in my natural life so I fell like "let's just cut to the chase". Fast forward to the ending.
