Venting What will it take?

[alltoomuch2]

My career is so stressful and difficult and you're under verbal attack from your bosses, the customers and recently the media. It finally broke me. After I'd survived so much trauma through my life and kept going without problem, a stupid career where I was only trying to good finally broke me. So I've had to give it up at the age of 60 because I can't ever imagine being able to do that job again.
My partner of 15 years is emotionally abusive and coercive, and I've finally got the courage up to report it to the police and he's leaving my home in 4 weeks.
So I've lost my career, my partner, my mental health. Maybe that should be good, removing all the sources of stress, but after the initial relief of both things, I've sunk so low again. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity for change, I'm aware that the chances of me, as a 60year old overqualified person with an unexplained 8 month absence from previous work (due to MH problems which are still ongoing) who, according to occupational health is still unfit for any work in any capacity, finding another job or career is probably nil. The uk government are busy telling me and everyone else that has MH problems that they are workshy and will be forced back to work. I can't face risking another relationship because my people judgement is rubbish. I have no friends and don't want them now because they just hurt me, like everyone else in my life except the MH workers and they can't be there all the time.
So instead of an opportunity, it seems like I'm destined to be unemployed, alone and penniless for the rest of my life. My MH practitioner is very nice but has no recognised intervention techniques, just counselling. The whole MH team and I are desperate for me to see a psychiatrist so they know what to treat and if other drugs would help (I"m on sertraline), but even on the urgent list, I can't see a psychiatrist until September.
So there's not really any hope of my life improving in any way. And STILL I'm too scared to CTB. I'm not even venting now. I just feel dead inside. Don't care about anything. Don't see the point in anything. Just too scared and too tired to do anything about it.

 

[Hvergelmir]

overqualified person with an unexplained 8 month absence

You're a highly competent person, with the financial freedom to take an 8 month vacation, planning your next move.
That's how I'd twist it.

As for parters and friends, I think you're better off trying. There are lots of lonely people, engaged in various interest groups. If there's any interest you regret not picking up earlier, there are likely others your age whom decided to pick it up while they still can.
Ultimately the choice between peaceful solitude and an engaging social life, is yours, though.

 

[alltoomuch2]

You're a highly competent person, with the financial freedom to take an 8 month vacation, planning your next move.
That's how I'd twist it.

As for parters and friends, I think you're better off trying. There are lots of lonely people, engaged in various interest groups. If there's any interest you regret not picking up earlier, there are likely others your age whom decided to pick it up while they still can.
Ultimately the choice between peaceful solitude and an engaging social life, is yours, though.

I like the way to present the time off work. That's a good idea. Thanks.
Partners and friends - I'm autistic and also weird, maybe cos of all the past traumas, so I find it exhausting being around people, and I'm always spotted by people who want to take advantage and abuse me in lots of ways. I don't want an engaging social life. I just can't do it. I haven't been to a social event for years. And yes solitude is peaceful for me. But its all so pointless. Why go through this constant mental pain and trying, so I can live alone and not contribute to anything. No purpose. But I have to because I'm just a coward. I'm starting to think maybe I should try some self-harm (I've done it before in a minor way), aggressively (punching) to let the frustration and anger out, and cutting to let the self loathing out, and use it as a substitute for CTB. And maybe it'll make me braver for CTB. I tried desensitising myself to CTB methods to get rid of my fear by watching wpd videos but it just makes me feel sick because of the context (all the vile headlines and comments) and it's not working.
The only good thing is that when my partner moves out, there'll be no chance of me being found when I CTB with no workmates, no friends, no neighbours and my family many miles away (if they even noticed). I'm not raging or desperate, just empty and hurting.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Engaging might not be the right word for the social relationships you want, but it seem apparent to me that you desire some kind of social context.
Satisfying social context can be a lot of things, and doesn't have to include "friends" or a partner.
Counselling might be able to help in sorting that out. You could also share your interests and values, asking for inspiring ideas. It's in no way an immediate solution to anything but it definitely have the potential to give you an enjoyable weekend, while also opening up other opportunities.

Self harm has made me no good. I don't usually recommend cannabis (it's a timewaster), but it could be a preferable alternative to self harm.

Desensitizing your self to suicide... There are many practices that could put you in a state where you're more willing to CTB - practices increasing suicidality.
Intentionally pursuing that state seem wrong to me, though.
Personally I force myself to pursue the best possible outcomes, until the day I'm actually ready to CTB.

At least give it some time to see how you fare without that coercive, abusive partner. Those kind of relationships can break anyone, and it's been 15 years since you knew anything else.

Best of luck in your pursuit of relief.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Engaging might not be the right word for the social relationships you want, but it seem apparent to me that you desire some kind of social context.
Satisfying social context can be a lot of things, and doesn't have to include "friends" or a partner.
Counselling might be able to help in sorting that out. You could also share your interests and values, asking for inspiring ideas. It's in no way an immediate solution to anything but it definitely have the potential to give you an enjoyable weekend, while also opening up other opportunities.

Self harm has made me no good. I don't usually recommend cannabis (it's a timewaster), but it could be a preferable alternative to self harm.

Desensitizing your self to suicide... There are many practices that could put you in a state where you're more willing to CTB - practices increasing suicidality.
Intentionally pursuing that state seem wrong to me, though.
Personally I force myself to pursue the best possible outcomes, until the day I'm actually ready to CTB.

At least give it some time to see how you fare without that coercive, abusive partner. Those kind of relationships can break anyone, and it's been 15 years since you knew anything else.

Best of luck in your pursuit of relief.

hmm your comments are really interesting thank you. I've been so wrapped up in what's happening that I think I've more than lost my way. You're right, I need to see how it is without my partner. And my mental health practitioner has been on leave which probably hasn't helped. I'm going to discuss your suggestions with him. I've experienced very little happiness in my life, but the two short (less than an hour) times I did have been recently so maybe I could find that again.
I dont agree that desensitising me to CTB is wrong if it's what I want though.
But your comments about life once my partner leaves, and looking for people with shared interests and values are interesting and worth more thought, although the second part scares me because of how it's ended up before. I might take it one step at a time and experience life alone first.
I think maybe I'll lurk on the suicide discussion but also the recovery part too. And hold off for now.
I've got the means for more than one method so its all sorted if I want to change my mind, if I can get the courage.
Thanks Hvergelmir. You and the other SaSu members are why this is such a great resource. There is a better level of understanding, acceptance, and experience here than anywhere else.