Discussion What was your SI (survival instinct) like when you were younger?

[TAW122]

This was an interesting thought I had in mind about one's SI throughout one's lifespan, especially when one was younger in life. I would like to think that partly due to growing up and of course with puberty in general, one's SI may be less as a teenager compared to that of an adult due to teenage hormones and impulsivity. Though with that said, the drawback of when one was a teenager is the lack of impulsive control, hastiness, and of course not having fully developed brains or being as critical and calculated as that of an adult (again, not all, but just in most general cases).

Inversely, When one reaches adulthood though, sometimes one's SI may be harder to overcome due to being tied down in life or something, again and with more careful thought, which ironically affects one's inhibitions. Does anyone experience similar things when it comes to one's own SI? Of course, I know that it will vary from individual to individual and no two person(s) are alike. They are all different in various ways.

For me, it was probably easier in some ways when I was younger myself, partly due to teenage impulsivity and less second thoughts or calculated planning, but also if I had attempted back when I was young, it is likely I'd mangle it up and likely cause permanent damage and fail horribly, leading to even more suffering and a worse life than I current have now (which isn't great but could be even more horrific than what I have). On the flipside, as I got older, while I'm more calculated and precise with planning and execution, I also have more of a hurdle of the SI to overcome in some respect, I don't have that teenage angst and impulsivity that I once had, therefore would find myself having to fight SI harder to get through. Mind you, I never really went and attempted and such because I want to be 100% sure before I attempt since I cannot afford the repercussions of failure itself.

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[amaluuk]

Even at 11 I was very focused on suicide, but in those days my means were very limited and I ultimately never attempted, only inconsequential experiments with pills and knives, I'm sure people here can relate. Of course now I have means but hold back mainly due to the desire to finish my manuscripts, and occasionally being worried about how it would make my family feel and yes, the fear that the afterlife will somehow be worse, but I'm coming around on those fronts.

I think it's definitely what you said that childhood makes one more impulsive and narrowminded, but also at the same time perhaps more cautious of other concerns. I would have never wanted to try hanging myself as a kid because of the fear of an agonizing suffocation, but now I consider it worthwhile even as a last resort compared to being alive for much longer. Age has numbed me out on considerations of pain, only chances of success. I've been on borrowed time for a while, so some avenues are just more acceptable for me now, but it's always the abstract stuff that holds me back.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

I remember holding a knife to my wrist often when I was about 9 or so (when I first took up suicide as a serious option). But I could never actually do anything. And when I was 12 or 13 I stood at the top of a relatively high building on a few occasions, but there was no way in hell that I could actually jump. So I feel my SI may have been strong even back then. And then 2 years ago I began trying to make hanging work, but I could never manage it. Physical methods involving body envelope violations just aren't for me; doesn't matter if I'm well into adulthood or I'm a kid, SI is a bitch.