Discussion What was your last straw?

[Shenanigan]

Mine was the two months of hell I went through last year in June 2018. Mom had a heart attack (and she's never been the same since. I consider her a husk of her former self as she's turned into a drug crazed childish brat), my significant other who I hoped to marry of over 2.5 years broke up with me the weekend after my mother's heart attack (while she was in her coma mind you so I was still holding out hope she'd be okay.) and my best friend of 5+ years showed her true colors after I gave her shelter, food, clothes, etc without ever charging her a dime after her own father (and her reason for being alive tbh) died. TL;DR, I lost my mom, the love of my life, and my best friend, all in a matter of less than 2 months.

I've obviously not sprung back since. I've just been struggling to hold on until now.

 

[ihtgatw]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me, now my anxiety and panic atacks are stronger than ever. I can't hold up anymore.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Back in high school when I fell in love, took a look at myself, then realized what an internally damaged human being I was. Almost felt like being a million miles away from other people in my very own cold, dark corner separated by a wall of glass. Looking so close yet so far away.

I think the final straw was my failing grades.

 

[ExitTheDay]

Back when I learned that this is just an engineered society that goes forward with itself by feeding off the pain and misery of each other

 

[not_a_robot]

I accepted help from social services and thought I was getting my life back on track, although as a disabled person.
A couple weeks ago I got really sick and found out that a bunch of social workers were plotting to try to video me while I was delirious with fever, trying to make me say something that they could paint as an admission that I am not really disabled. I am not even drawing any SSI because I have another income and also I am genuinely disabled so there is no fraud for them to "prove", they were trying to fabricate it so I would end up back on the streets, because they don't like my personality.
I put up with it for a couple days but then I lost it and looked straight into their cellphone camera and screamed
"You stupid bitches better just keep paying your taxes, because I'm gonna be living off of them for the rest of my life and there's nothing you can do about it! Haaa Haaa!"

Note: I am officially medically disabled but I actually draw no income from it because I have another. These social workers just thought SSI was my income and they were trying to take it away because they "don't like me."

I get bullied like this anytime I go anywhere near neurotypicals.
My final straw is that after all the hell I went through and after rebuilding my life, people will always do this to me.
It will never change.

My final straw is every other motherfucker on the planet. They are all the same. Evil.

 

[everrgreenn]

i've always wanted to kill myself, but recently after my sister's attempt, i've realized that i want to do it soon. my family would obliviously be devastated, but there's no way around that, no matter how long i wait. if i end my life soon, my sister will most likely realize how much it hurt the people around us and she'll want to live. it would be a win-win situation, my sister would get to have the long life she deserves, and i would finally get to follow through with my suicide. (i am certainly pro-choice with all this, but i just known that my sister will be sucessful and happy in the future if she decides to live a little longer.)

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

That I just turned 37 and I still fail miserably at any sort of friendship or relationship and in one way or another, I mess it up. I am left feeling hollow and empty, always looking in on friendship circles and relationships. Always the 3rd wheel, always alone. Even though I've come out of my shell, I still feel very alone in a room full of people.

Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage... biding time until my kids graduate and my dog dies. From my calculations, 6 years is my time stamp unless something changes.

 

[not_a_robot]

i've always wanted to kill myself, but recently after my sister's attempt, i've realized that i want to do it soon. my family would obliviously be devastated, but there's no way around that, no matter how long i wait. if i end my life soon, my sister will most likely realize how much it hurt the people around us and she'll want to live. it would be a win-win situation, my sister would get to have the long life she deserves, and i would finally get to follow through with my suicide. (i am certainly pro-choice with all this, but i just known that my sister will be sucessful and happy in the future if she decides to live a little longer.)

Your post is a very morbidly funny version of sibling rivalry. Everything is always a competition with sisters lol.
I think every person on the planet secretly wants to kill themself, they all just think they are keeping up the facade for the sake of the others.

Which is morbid but also fucking hilarious.

 

[Dragon]

I don't typically get soft drinks when I rarely go to fast food joints, but I think quite some time ago was at Wendy's when I got a large root beer I used one of those nice big straws with the red lines going down the side. It was a straight one, though. I prefer the bendable straws.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Your post is a very morbidly funny version of sibling rivalry. Everything is always a competition with sisters lol.
I think every person on the planet secretly wants to kill themself, they all just think they are keeping up the facade for the sake of the others.

Which is morbid but also fucking hilarious.

I don't typically get soft drinks when I rarely go to fast food joints, but I think quite some time ago was at Wendy's when I got a large root beer I used one of those nice big straws with the red lines going down the side. It was a straight one, though. I prefer the bendable straws.

ffs guys, what are you saying, lmao

 

[not_a_robot]

ffs guys, what are you saying, lmao

It's very important to keep your sense of humor when life sucks.

 

[stillwoozy]

Nothing specifically has triggered me recently, I just see my mental illness getting progressively worse. It makes me realize that living is futile when I have never wanted to live in the first place.

Paradoxically, the more people irl that give me support, see "my potential", offer me resources/help with college, etc. make me want to ctb even more. I consistently let people down and crash and burn. I feel like I fool people into loving me, when I know the closer I get to people the more it will hurt them when I inevitably ctb. So better sooner than later I guess?

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Nothing specifically has triggered me recently, I just see my mental illness getting progressively worse. It makes me realize that living is futile when I have never wanted to live in the first place.

Paradoxically, the more people irl that give me support, see "my potential", offer me resources/help with college, etc. make me want to ctb even more. I consistently let people down and crash and burn. I feel like I fool people into loving me, when I know the closer I get to people the more it will hurt them when I inevitably ctb. So better sooner than later I guess?

I feel the same... hugs. You are not alone

 

[xBazzL]

Has anyone here actually ordered N and received the product?

 

[spanishguy22]

Nothing specifically has triggered me recently, I just see my mental illness getting progressively worse. It makes me realize that living is futile when I have never wanted to live in the first place.

Paradoxically, the more people irl that give me support, see "my potential", offer me resources/help with college, etc. make me want to ctb even more. I consistently let people down and crash and burn. I feel like I fool people into loving me, when I know the closer I get to people the more it will hurt them when I inevitably ctb. So better sooner than later I guess?

this

 

[not_a_robot]

Has anyone here actually ordered N and received the product?

I don't think it's possible in the U.S..

Nothing specifically has triggered me recently, I just see my mental illness getting progressively worse. It makes me realize that living is futile when I have never wanted to live in the first place.

Paradoxically, the more people irl that give me support, see "my potential", offer me resources/help with college, etc. make me want to ctb even more. I consistently let people down and crash and burn. I feel like I fool people into loving me, when I know the closer I get to people the more it will hurt them when I inevitably ctb. So better sooner than later I guess?

your post is word for word how I felt from 17 to 25.
I don't know how I lasted this long.
oh yeah, I do.
I really fucking love marijuanA, that's it.

 

[xBazzL]

I don't think it's possible in the U.S..

your post is word for word how I felt from 17 to 25.
I don't know how I lasted this long.
oh yeah, I do.
I really fucking love marijuanA, that's it.

I'm in the UK I don't have alot if money left and don't want to order something I don't end up receiving or something that isn't even a product that will kill me I tried drinking antifreeze and my kidneys started to fail but once that happened I couldn't drink anymore without instantly throwing it back up so I recovered from that I need to buy something thats a one drink and gone for good if I was in the US I'd just get a gun unfortunately it's much harder to obtain a gun in the UK any advice from anyone to help me end my life reasonably peacefully would be greatly appreciated

 

[stillwoozy]

your post is word for word how I felt from 17 to 25.
I don't know how I lasted this long.
oh yeah, I do.
I really fucking love marijuanA, that's it.

Hah, maybe it's pretty common experience then. Marijuana makes my life almost bearable. Or at least, I bear it when I'm high.

 

[andy69]

My partner of fifteen plus years left for another man. He ghosted me for two weeks until he finally answered the phone to tell me. He then said I a bitter person. I tried to kill myself the day after the phone call, but it didn't work. He made me feel like I am garbage. I just can't cope with losing him. I love him so much.
I would have been our sixteenth anniversary tomorrow. I am planning to hanging myself in week or so. I just can't take the pain.

 

[Egddios]

Has anyone here actually ordered N and received the product?

Yes. I ordered in 2016 and received it with no issues. That said, consuming it is an entirely different story and not as simple as it's made out to be.

Obviously, N is quite expensive, too.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

For me, this is just the natural conclusion to a life of severe mental illness, but what has brought me to this point, where I am truly ready, is being socially rejected over and over again by people I considered friends. Finding out several people had either removed or blocked me on social media that I thought were friends, people that I care about not even realizing I haven't been around for a week, or someone messaging and asking how I am and they stop responding when I say that I'm not well. People don't really care, not in a malicious way, just in a simple "I don't matter" way and I am pretty much at peace with that and it's kinda relieving. There's one person I'm worried for after I go but with me gone, he can move where he wants without worrying about me not being able to take care of myself. Basically, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that we'd all be better off if I were gone.

 

[xBazzL]

Yes. I ordered in 2016 and received it with no issues. That said, consuming it is an entirely different story and not as simple as it's made out to be.

Obviously, N is quite expensive, too.

Yea I noticed it is expensive I'm running low on money and don't want to order something that doesn't get delivered or something that isn't a product that will actually kill me, I'm in the UK where could I order it from?

For me, this is just the natural conclusion to a life of severe mental illness, but what has brought me to this point, where I am truly ready, is being socially rejected over and over again by people I considered friends. Finding out several people had either removed or blocked me on social media that I thought were friends, people that I care about not even realizing I haven't been around for a week, or someone messaging and asking how I am and they stop responding when I say that I'm not well. People don't really care, not in a malicious way, just in a simple "I don't matter" way and I am pretty much at peace with that and it's kinda relieving. There's one person I'm worried for after I go but with me gone, he can move where he wants without worrying about me not being able to take care of myself. Basically, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that we'd all be better off if I were gone.

I lost my partner because I'd got to the end of my rope and couldn't cope so I tried to overdose rather than her support she left me and told my family and friends about my overdose attempts and now u can't face them I haven't been able to speak to my mum for months and I feel just like you buddy if I was gone it might hurt a few people but it would be a weight off people's minds and I'd finally be a peace Iv tried overdosing multiple times on different things and haven't had any luck so I tried drinking antifreeze which made my kidneys start to fail at that point I couldn't keep drinking it cause I would throw it up immediately so I recovered from that, I would really like to find a reasonably peaceful way to die though unfortunately that's hard to come across in the UK I can't buy a gun I can't afford to go to Switzerland for euthanasia so I'm searching sites like this one though as I'm not getting much luck I'm getting closer and closer to attempt hanging myself if that fails just sitting on some train tracks with my feet tied to the tracks, whatever you choose in your situation I wish you all the best.

 

[Faraway1990]

Everything since 2016 has been grinding away at me, I'm a spiritual person and I know the woman I love is my "twin flame" that I keep being taunted with as some cruel joke, there's a lot more to my decision than that, like I'm done with the rat race I just lost my job through email solely due to over staffing, I'm in rent arrears, society is made to run us down etc but I have made my decision im set on the night night method, I'm going to decide if I'm waiting until after my birthday or not probably spend a nice day with my parents etc, then play my favourite video games for a couple days I've already started writing notes and just go. It's oddly freeing since I've really made this decision I no longer give af about my landlord expectations of pulling money out my ass lol or whatever.

 

[TAW122]

Nothing recently has caused me to go through, even though there was a time where my life was at stake. It was back in March this year, it could have been my last straw. There are many other close calls throughout my life as well, but recently I'm just stable enough to tolerate 'life' instead of actively wanting to CTB.

 

[Lefty]

Tons of mental problems that went undiagnosed for years and still are undiagnosed. Lack of help. Trouble finding and keeping jobs. Annoying family member my mom won't kick for reasons I don't know why. I'm just tired of it all. I would pile lots of failed relationships on top of all this, but I've seen to managed to not let those bother me.

 

[survive8]

I've been trying to withdraw from a benzo since last year and having paradoxical reaction. I'm in the most insane pain and a former version of my self. I can't get off the drug yet it's hurting me immensely both physically and mentally. I can't keep tapering like this with burning from head to toe. I love my family, friends and husband but I'm at a level 10 of pain and misery. I don't want to die but find no other choice Bc this impacts every organ system. It doesn't seem real but I don't think I can OD Bc my CNS is so fried. I hope to go with a partner Bc I'm scared but know this is the only way to stop the relentless pain. I'm becoming more and more impaired as I try and remove the drug and have no quality of life.

 

[HGL91]

My last straw is being so stressed that my heart races on a regular basis, so I can't really enjoy anything or think clearly. The constant palpitating of my heart makes me want to jump off a building.

 

[Weems]

Psychosis. Found Jesus + developed a retarded conspiracy worldview, and everyone I knew had to be told about both, breathlessly.

I already had huge, life trajectory-altering screwups and embarrassments, but this broke me. My mind is empty now except for self-hatred. I just turned 30. No skills, little college education thanks to previous fuckups. This has to end.

Staying at my dad's and watching TV now. I'm not going to work again. Probably in my last couple months.

 

[HGL91]

Psychosis. Found Jesus + developed a retarded conspiracy worldview, and everyone I knew had to be told about both, breathlessly.

I already had huge, life trajectory-altering screwups and embarrassments, but this broke me. My mind is empty now except for self-hatred. I just turned 30. No skills, little college education thanks to previous fuckups. This has to end.

Staying at my dad's and watching TV now. I'm not going to work again. Probably in my last couple months.

Same. 27 and I had a lot of fun in my 20s, but did not make wise education and financial choices. Though, I kind of don't regret it. Think I'd rather die young to suicide than be a wage slave for another 40 or 50 years.

 

[not_a_robot]

Psychosis. Found Jesus + developed a retarded conspiracy worldview, and everyone I knew had to be told about both, breathlessly.

I already had huge, life trajectory-altering screwups and embarrassments, but this broke me. My mind is empty now except for self-hatred. I just turned 30. No skills, little college education thanks to previous fuckups. This has to end.

Staying at my dad's and watching TV now. I'm not going to work again. Probably in my last couple months.

Awww. I know, I know, I shouldn't call other peoples' problems 'cute', and I absolutely understand how devastating that can be (me and god, we go waaaay back, notice I use the little "g", he knows what he did), but....
Awwww.