throwaway123
Hell0
- Aug 5, 2018
- 1,446
What pushed you over the edge?
What made you lose your fear when CTB?
What made you lose your fear when CTB?
Libido Torpedo
oh um
- Sep 18, 2018
- 34
My mom dying in February brought back the big urges I had to kill myself, because she was holding me back.
Now she's gone. I know it wouldn't really hurt anyone else. It's like I'm really free to do it now. The ball's in my court.
Now she's gone. I know it wouldn't really hurt anyone else. It's like I'm really free to do it now. The ball's in my court.
worldexploder
Visionary
- Sep 19, 2018
- 2,821
I don't think I've ever had any real sense of hope. Traumatized before the age of 3. Crap kept piling up ever since. I've always been a neurotic emotional basket case. I had enough by the time I was in my early 20s. Even when I was married I was like this....part of the reason it didn't work out. I don't even know were to begin with my life story. At some point I'll probably write mini biographies on here in chapters so it's not too overwhelming.
Abel
Forgotten
- Sep 11, 2018
- 60
When I was just starting university, I was cautiously hopeful that I could maybe "start over", rebuild my life from the hell it had become. I thought that if I tried hard enough, I could get good grades, get into a lucrative major, join some clubs, make some friends... you know, actually be "successful" for once, rather than the textbook definition of a failure.
But oh fucking boy did I underestimate my ability to fuck everything up. I ended up literally doing the exact opposite of all of those, and even ended up getting sectioned after a suicide attempt that same year! Way to go, me! Now I know better than to hope for anything... except for death.
But oh fucking boy did I underestimate my ability to fuck everything up. I ended up literally doing the exact opposite of all of those, and even ended up getting sectioned after a suicide attempt that same year! Way to go, me! Now I know better than to hope for anything... except for death.
I guess I was just always really good at coping with my life and not taking shit too seriously. I never actually thought about how awful and different it was from a normal person's. However, this only lasted so long. Ironically, 2 years of therapy has allowed me to self-reflect enough to where I am able to see why I have failed so much socially, academically, etc. And let me tell you - it is not a good or hopeful scenario. It is mostly due to factors out of my control that has caused me to have a pathetic life and terrible personality.
Arvinneedstodie
Existing is not living
- Sep 17, 2018
- 198
The fact that i'm trying, but nothing improves. I got myself a job, hoping that maybe now i can make some friends, get into a good routine and feel better. Being around people now makes me feel more lonely and isolated than before. Now i remember why i isolated myself during high school in the first place.
Lol, exactly this happened to me as well. It was supposed to be my great comeback! But I fucked it up.
Pointlessabyss
Impulse will takeover one day...
- Sep 17, 2018
- 294
The numbness inside that no matter what I do I struggle to feel anything. I put on a mask daily and am a functioning mess while my mind races around contemplating everything, I'm a private person so don't share my problems with others and have a put up and shut up mentality. Although there is little to nothing I actually care about why people find me so easy going and nothing necessarily phases me.
I've done what society has expected of me over the years made it to 26 got a decent job, moving out etc. But I've just had enough of the rat race / merry go round. I CBA to keep pretending and to carry on when I have no enjoyment out of life and to just live for the sake of others.
Suppose everyone has a breaking point.
I've done what society has expected of me over the years made it to 26 got a decent job, moving out etc. But I've just had enough of the rat race / merry go round. I CBA to keep pretending and to carry on when I have no enjoyment out of life and to just live for the sake of others.
Suppose everyone has a breaking point.
RainAndSadness
Administrator
- Jun 12, 2018
- 2,135
Probably the realization that HRT wouldn't fix my life. It greatly increased my quality of life though. I can at least look into the mirror without instantly puking now. But I'm not happy at all. The progress is so slow and I doubt I'll ever gonna pass as a woman. I decided to ctb 3 months after starting with HRT. Which was a little bit over one year ago. Everything is ready. I started to work on my suicide note. Now I just have to wait for the right bus, basically.
No light in the end of the tunell. It just get darker in there.
SamK
Cloud Surfing
- Aug 21, 2018
- 280
A lot pushed me over the edge
Having to live on morphine and depend on it just to get out of bed, living in pain
Dealing with domestic violence
Losing my baby
All my friends killed themselves over a span of five years. My ex just jumped in front of a train
Dropping out of nursing school due to the above(s)
Being raped, twice
Depression in general that's been untreatable.
My life sucks anyway. Nobody is here for me, i hate myself, hate what i've become, i don't appreciate my existence.
So.. those my reasons. Too much hey?. I'm looking forward to CTB
Having to live on morphine and depend on it just to get out of bed, living in pain
Dealing with domestic violence
Losing my baby
All my friends killed themselves over a span of five years. My ex just jumped in front of a train
Dropping out of nursing school due to the above(s)
Being raped, twice
Depression in general that's been untreatable.
My life sucks anyway. Nobody is here for me, i hate myself, hate what i've become, i don't appreciate my existence.
So.. those my reasons. Too much hey?. I'm looking forward to CTB
Pointlessabyss
Impulse will takeover one day...
- Sep 17, 2018
- 294
Wow that's a lot for one person and things no one deserves or should have to go through, sorry for your loss and pain.
Good luck for when the time comes!
SamK
Cloud Surfing
- Aug 21, 2018
- 280
Partnering with a fellow Australian if they had enough N to share.
Now I don't know what I'll do and time is marching on
Now I don't know what I'll do and time is marching on
windingdown
Specialist
- Sep 10, 2018
- 367
I developed a mental illness (bipolar/schizoaffective disorder) in 2016. Before that, I had a good life. And life fascinated me; I was engaged and curious, like the people I now envy. I took life seriously.
Post mental illness episodes, and losing my whole life and most of myself, I see that my turning point was realizing the fragility of human experience. We are so biologically fragile, and our circumstances can likewise fall apart at any time. I maintained a feeling of invincibility up until age 30 - a pretty good run, especially compared to the many suicidal people who have been battling life since they were very young.
It's like a veil fell away, and I can never recover the really beneficial illusion that life is good, or that it will be good once this or that dust settles. Now it just seems hard, unfortunate, and unrewarding.
Post mental illness episodes, and losing my whole life and most of myself, I see that my turning point was realizing the fragility of human experience. We are so biologically fragile, and our circumstances can likewise fall apart at any time. I maintained a feeling of invincibility up until age 30 - a pretty good run, especially compared to the many suicidal people who have been battling life since they were very young.
It's like a veil fell away, and I can never recover the really beneficial illusion that life is good, or that it will be good once this or that dust settles. Now it just seems hard, unfortunate, and unrewarding.
Kev
Student
- Aug 18, 2018
- 124
I got my heart broken by my best friend at the time, the only girl I have ever loved. I thought that for sure was going to push me over the edge.
A few months after that happened, I was still alive. I felt the only hope I had in years when a cute girl in our friend group showed interest in me, I asked her out, we went on a date that I thought went well, and after she said she didn't want to see me again. I thought that would be the final straw, kicking me when I'm down. Unfortunately it turns out I'm so used to disappointment like this that it still wasn't enough to put me over the edge. I am very, very close though.
I've been trying to help myself for months now, but my life seems to just be getting worse. I've been feeling more and more abandoned by my friends, which I don't blame them -- they're probably sick and tired of me burdening them with my issues. My hope for finding love is at an all time low, and I'm about to enter the real world, which I don't think I can do right now with how fucking depressed I am. I predict that my life is just going to get worse and if a miracle doesn't happen by my birthday in a few months, I'm going to CTB. I might have to do it earlier, I feel so miserable that I might not be able to wait that long. I've set deadlines before, have come so close before, and I am just so, so tired of this. I've been completely ready to die for a long time now. I cry myself to sleep every single night and dread waking up every morning. My first thought of every day is "I wish I died in my sleep". I hang myself regularly via partial suspension (not my planned method) but not seriously intending to die, one because it's a form of self harm; I hate myself a lot so I want to hurt myself. Secondly I wanted to know how it feels like and if any part of me still wants to be alive -- it doesn't. Maybe one day I'll feel my consciousness slipping while I do it and just let go, even though that's not how I planned to go. My note is written, the plan is finalized, and now I'm just waiting for the day to come where every fiber of my being just goes "no more."
A few months after that happened, I was still alive. I felt the only hope I had in years when a cute girl in our friend group showed interest in me, I asked her out, we went on a date that I thought went well, and after she said she didn't want to see me again. I thought that would be the final straw, kicking me when I'm down. Unfortunately it turns out I'm so used to disappointment like this that it still wasn't enough to put me over the edge. I am very, very close though.
I've been trying to help myself for months now, but my life seems to just be getting worse. I've been feeling more and more abandoned by my friends, which I don't blame them -- they're probably sick and tired of me burdening them with my issues. My hope for finding love is at an all time low, and I'm about to enter the real world, which I don't think I can do right now with how fucking depressed I am. I predict that my life is just going to get worse and if a miracle doesn't happen by my birthday in a few months, I'm going to CTB. I might have to do it earlier, I feel so miserable that I might not be able to wait that long. I've set deadlines before, have come so close before, and I am just so, so tired of this. I've been completely ready to die for a long time now. I cry myself to sleep every single night and dread waking up every morning. My first thought of every day is "I wish I died in my sleep". I hang myself regularly via partial suspension (not my planned method) but not seriously intending to die, one because it's a form of self harm; I hate myself a lot so I want to hurt myself. Secondly I wanted to know how it feels like and if any part of me still wants to be alive -- it doesn't. Maybe one day I'll feel my consciousness slipping while I do it and just let go, even though that's not how I planned to go. My note is written, the plan is finalized, and now I'm just waiting for the day to come where every fiber of my being just goes "no more."
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I would say figuring out my entire life was a lie when taking a moment to reflect and realizing that my problems are entirely family and I'm stuck with this issues that won't ever be fixed no matter how hard I try. Unless I have courage I won't ever dig myself out of the hole they've dug for me.
CantGoOn
Member
- Jun 7, 2018
- 73
I only have one person who I'm close to but he lives in the US and is getting sicker with his disease, I thought I could visit again but now he's saying it may not happen. My last hope was being with him cause I didn't feel suicidal then. Now I don't have any reason to live.
My N never came despite paying $730 so I have to think of a different plan. I fear the SN won't work cause it has hardly any information on it and not many cases of death.
My N never came despite paying $730 so I have to think of a different plan. I fear the SN won't work cause it has hardly any information on it and not many cases of death.
After a rough couple of years with my mental health, being out of work and having to find somewhere else to live, I finally got my feet back on the ground, scoring an awesome job doing what I love the most and got together with a good friend and ex girlfriend who I absolutely loved.
My mental health deteriorated again, making it impossible to do the work I was previously enjoying, the ex broke it off with me under the most horrible circumstances and then I lost my job. Now I'm dealing with the anxiety and depression tenfold, while losing the ability to support myself and the person I love.
My mental health deteriorated again, making it impossible to do the work I was previously enjoying, the ex broke it off with me under the most horrible circumstances and then I lost my job. Now I'm dealing with the anxiety and depression tenfold, while losing the ability to support myself and the person I love.
