What was the worst Thing you ever did in your life and how ashamed Do you feel about it?

[noname223]

I am Dating currently a woman we also talk about corpses in our closet.
I talked about a lot. But it is too early to talk about everything. And I think I will keep silent about some parts maybe forever. I cannot Tell her how actual suicidal I was. This would scare the Shit out of her. Especially, when she knows how Hard rejections hurt me. I have to hide my SanctionedSuicide account from her under all circumstances.

There is a Story I certainly don't feel proud of. It is probably the worst Thing I ever did in my life. However, keep in mind others would say being a longtime member of Sanctioned Suicide Was way way worse. Especially, as an adult.

As a bullied and child abused (by my Mom) Teenager I turned out to be an asshole Troll online (I was 13-15 I think). I did so much stupid bullshit. But I was so young and it was such a dysfunctional and toxic way to Deal with the pain of getting beated the Shit out of me of by my Mom on a Daily basis. And I was mocked and bullied in real life so Hard in school.

And I just looked for beef online as a way to compensate it. I even have Screenshots which bullshit I did. It was not that intricate tbh. I just insulted a lot of people and talked about inappropriate stuff. I don't know how much damage I have caused in others. And I feel so Bad thinking about it. I also insulted one friend pretty badly. And He alluded He might think it is karma that my mental health is such a torture chamber. However, I don't really think that. My Mom who beated the Shit out of me and caused All of that has a way way better life quality than me. Life simply is not just at least not in this World. And karma seems to be a cynical concept for me because it leaves the guilt and shame to the victims. I am not really thinking about my case but for example the people in concentration Camps. The Nazis had the slogans "Arbeit macht frei" and "Jedem das seine". And the later one means you sort of get what you deserve. And such a concept can be abused pretty obviously as demonstrated.

I just remember there might be even one more horrible thing that I did. I told it to one of my closest friends he does not consider that extremely horrible. But I think it was pretty horrible.

 

[Inuyasha]

Stealing money from parents and masturbating to some perverse stuff.
These are probably the worst things I've done.

 

[USER80709]

I don't know, there are so many...

 

[Azlia]

sacrificing my principles for who i fell in love the hardest, trying to escape from myself instead of accepting myself and actually make a life plan, as a teenager i got into some online hate groups that were a pipeline from libertarian to ultra-nationalism indoctrination in an attempt to not accept myself, of those i feel ashamed, the ones i do not anymore is when i was a kid i put a baby frog in an ants hole just to see what happens and in a fight for a crystal bulb i preferred to break it so the other kid would get hurt instead of losing but the cut was not superficial as i expected, i guess i have also done things that most moralities consider worse from theft and wrath to hedonism, but for my principles they aren't bad so i don't care about those.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm actually too ashamed to admit a couple of things I did as a child. Basically though, they were cruel. Bullying related. I could also make excuses, saying that I was being bullied myself. Really though, I can't justify it. I do feel terrible about it now.

I was also extremely selfish and self absorbed in my early-mid 30's, trying to get my career off the ground. I badly neglected to keep in touch with a few people who did so much for me. Again, I can try to justify that to myself but, I know it was shitty.

I don't feel at all bad about having ideation. I see it as a logical response to my life. I would feel bad if I intended to act on it though- before my Dad goes first anyway.

As for being a forum member, I definitely don't like the thought of minors being on here and in some way, aiding them to suicide. I tend to try to avoid method talk in part for that reason.

However- I'd argue that the main onus ought to be on them. They know they aren't officially allowed on here. Plus, the people around them. Why haven't they noticed they are so unhappy and, why aren't they doing more to support them or keep them safe? Plus, I imagine they could get the information elsewhere. Regardless though, I don't believe this site does encourage suicide. It simply supports the right to choose.

So, while it isn't an ideal scenario here, I think we all mostly try to guage where someone is at regarding their thought process and stability. Plenty of people are still pointed in the direction of recovery. I definitely wouldn't stay if this place coerced suicide.

 

[FoxSauce]

Hurting my mom when i was young

Not getting into contact with other (keeping relationship isnt my best strong suit)

Stealing when I was young (still do)

Not being enough to my parents
being a financial burden to my mom..


Back in highschool invited a new girl to my
Freind group and it got tore apart beacuse of me (basically she was bad news) but i didnt get to know her enough to know that
And It was my fault and no matter how hard i try to bring it back together I couldnt do anything...

 

[clvr]

I think the worst thing I've ever done is accidentally started a fire. I remember when I was around 11 or 12 I was playing in a ditch inside my neighborhood, burning stuff with a magnifying glass. I shifted my attention to trying to make a little fire out of dried leaves and twigs, only for it to work a LOT better than expected. I picked up one of the leaves and watched it burn in my hand, but when the fire started getting closer to the base of the leaf I threw it to the side, for it to land directly into a dry ass bush. I remember freezing in terror as I saw the bush catch fire almost instantly and I thought to myself "oh shit what have I done". I booked it home as fast as I could and then proceeded to pace around my room for hours as I looked out my window to see a smoke rising up into the sky.

Come later, I found out basically the whole ditch burned down and the flames got higher than some people's fences. nobody was hurt, but I feel so guilty about it still, almost 10 years later. So uh, don't play with fire.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Stole parent's money to convince classmates to give me rare silly bandz (red dragon especially). I'm talking, stole 80$ to get like, 6. There was a whole effort and collaboration with multiple parents to get the kids to return the money but of course being 8 years old having a 20 dollar bill is like winning the lottery so they of course didn't want to return it easily. Most of the money got returned but I was known for almost a decade as the gal who paid people hard cash for unique shaped rubber bands that was like, 2$ for 5 at the time.

That one I fully moved forward on, I was a stupid kid, but was definitely more embarrassed than ashamed.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've done some pretty awful things before (which I'm not comfortable with talking about) and there is no sugar-coating it. I feel incredibly ashamed of myself for engaging in those past actions. Those actions were and still are inexcusable. I still feel a lot of guilt over them.

---

Something that I couldn't help but think about while reading through this thread is that sometimes I feel like people regularly engage in actions that hurt others but most people are incapable of acknowledging or accepting that. To make it clear, I've also been guilty of this before, especially when I was younger. A good example of this that comes to mind is when I think about parents. I remember reading a comment online that made an interesting point about how many parents will do things that end up hurting or even traumatizing their children (physically and/or psychologically) but most parents don't realize this because from their perspective what they did wasn't a big deal. They assume that since they view it as not a big deal then that must mean their children view those past situations similarly. I'm pretty sure that this is basically just projection bias, but I might be wrong. As to whether or not this commenter's theory on the matter is correct, I don't know. That's something that I'll probably have to look into.

I bring this up though because I feel like a lot of people are genuinely bad at remembering/acknowledging the worst things they have done. I feel like people tend to find it easier to remember situations in which they were victims compared to ones where they were the perpetrator due to a mixture of both our tendency to try and preserve our self-image along with our tendency to more easily remember past events that we perceive as being more negative (especially events where we were the ones who were hurt). Of course, this probably varies a bit from person to person, but I've been noticing this pattern for quite some time now. Along with that, I've also noticed that people are much quicker to feel guilty about situations in which they could be seen as the victim compared to ones where they are objectively the perpetrator. This, again, may tie into the whole negativity bias and preservation of self-image point that I talked about. Of course, these are just my own thoughts and guesses.