What to tell my GF? If anything?

[Apostle]

Let me preface this by saying, I can't and won't tell her I'm suicidal. That would have the same effect as telling anyone in my family, and things would only be much harder. So that's not what I'm referring to with the title.

Rather, I am trying to decide if there's anything I can do to make my death less hurtful for her. I believe my ctb would hit her the hardest in the long run (she's very emotionally dependent on me and doesn't have as many people to turn to as my family does...she also expects marriage and a long life together with me), and I really want to believe there's some way I can reduce her suffering or "prepare" her somehow. I love her as much as I can possibly love someone with my numbed emotions, and I don't want to leave her, but I have to. Just not sure exactly how to do it.

Break up with her shortly before ctb? I don't know, it seems flawed. It would be extremely suspicious since there's no apparent reason from her perspective, or within our relationship, not to mention it'd be hurtful in its own way. Hell, she might even suspect I'm suicidal just from that.

Is there anything I could say or do, without outright revealing my intention to ctb, that could protect her from knowing, or make my passing easier to accept, or make it easier for her to move on? Maybe it's best to just treat her like my family, by continuing to act normal until the end, and having her in my suicide note. But I wish for something better if it exists.

 

[Sailfisher]

Why do you want to go?

 

[RodgerThat]

Yeah, why are you killing yourself if you have a girlfriend who loves you and a family to turn to? God, I'd do anything for that.

 

[DyingWitsie]

Let me preface this by saying, I can't and won't tell her I'm suicidal. That would have the same effect as telling anyone in my family, and things would only be much harder. So that's not what I'm referring to with the title.

Rather, I am trying to decide if there's anything I can do to make my death less hurtful for her. I believe my ctb would hit her the hardest in the long run (she's very emotionally dependent on me and doesn't have as many people to turn to as my family does...she also expects marriage and a long life together with me), and I really want to believe there's some way I can reduce her suffering or "prepare" her somehow. I love her as much as I can possibly love someone with my numbed emotions, and I don't want to leave her, but I have to. Just not sure exactly how to do it.

Break up with her shortly before ctb? I don't know, it seems flawed. It would be extremely suspicious since there's no apparent reason from her perspective, or within our relationship, not to mention it'd be hurtful in its own way. Hell, she might even suspect I'm suicidal just from that.

Is there anything I could say or do, without outright revealing my intention to ctb, that could protect her from knowing, or make my passing easier to accept, or make it easier for her to move on? Maybe it's best to just treat her like my family, by continuing to act normal until the end, and having her in my suicide note. But I wish for something better if it exists.

i think its best if you continuing to act normal until the end. I have been having trouble acting normal since i know i wont be here much longer so i cant give any fucks about anything. But i think my cover is not blown otherwise i would be in a ward.

 

[Roger]

Yeah, why are you killing yourself if you have a girlfriend who loves you and a family to turn to? God, I'd do anything for that.

No gf for me, I'm a septuagenarian widower, but I have a family. However, they don't know the worst of my situation. I'm going to become an increasing burden on them.

 

[RodgerThat]

No gf for me, I'm a septuagenarian widower, but I have a family. However, they don't know the worst of my situation. I'm going to become an increasing burden on them.

Wow I'm impressed you've survived this long. I was asking the original poster but I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

[Chalken]

Yeah, why are you killing yourself if you have a girlfriend who loves you and a family to turn to? God, I'd do anything for that.

I have a good, supporting family and I still want to die due to mental illnesses. Sometimes that support is just not enough. Depression takes over your whole life completely.

 

[ExitTheDay]

I believe if you killed yourself while still in a relationship with her that would fuck her up more emotionally in the long run, whereas if you broke up with her before hand she would at least have a little bit of closure about the situation knowing your intentions weren't to hurt her by committing suicide

 

[RainAndSadness]

I had a girlfriend until last year. We were both suicidal and she knew that I wanted to leave. Maybe our situation was different because we both were transgender. But back then I planned to leave a goodbye post because I think it's selfish and rude to leave your partner without some kind of final words. Because they will seek answers. And if you can't leave behind some kind of explanation, it's gonna be very difficult and I assume most partners would drown in self-blame. I'm not sure what you could tell her though, as I don't know your exact situation.

I agree with @Chalken though. Being in a relationship doesn't make you immune to mental illness or suicidality. For some people, and I was one of them, it simply wasn't enough.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Man, that makes me really sad to read. Not going to judge you for giving all that up, you'll have your reasons. But I'm not sure you'll be able to do much to make it less painful for her or prepare her for it in the end.

Maybe I can share what I did in the case of my dad. Basically, I'm seeing him once or twice a year these days and I decided I'm not going to write him a suicide note for reasons I don't want to go into now.

A few weeks ago we had dinner together and I figured that was also going to be the last time I was going to see him. So what I did was just try to make it the most pleasurable experience possible and we reminisced about the past a lot, shared stories from the time of my childhood and growing up, from when we were still an intact family. I basically tried to make him feel that I appreciated having had him as a father and that he did a good job regardless of everything that went wrong in the end. And when we parted I gave him a hug, which is not something I do often in his case.

I think I fucked up a little in the end because I got a bit teary eyed and I must've let on that something was wrong, and maybe he will remember that and wonder if there was anything he could have done. But what I hope is that he will think back to it and recognize it as me trying to say goodbye and thank you and assuring him that he didn't do anything wrong.

I don't know if it will help much in the end but I think it was the best I could manage. And maybe you could find a way to do that with your girlfriend somehow.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Let me preface this by saying, I can't and won't tell her I'm suicidal. That would have the same effect as telling anyone in my family, and things would only be much harder. So that's not what I'm referring to with the title.

Rather, I am trying to decide if there's anything I can do to make my death less hurtful for her. I believe my ctb would hit her the hardest in the long run (she's very emotionally dependent on me and doesn't have as many people to turn to as my family does...she also expects marriage and a long life together with me), and I really want to believe there's some way I can reduce her suffering or "prepare" her somehow. I love her as much as I can possibly love someone with my numbed emotions, and I don't want to leave her, but I have to. Just not sure exactly how to do it.

Break up with her shortly before ctb? I don't know, it seems flawed. It would be extremely suspicious since there's no apparent reason from her perspective, or within our relationship, not to mention it'd be hurtful in its own way. Hell, she might even suspect I'm suicidal just from that.

Is there anything I could say or do, without outright revealing my intention to ctb, that could protect her from knowing, or make my passing easier to accept, or make it easier for her to move on? Maybe it's best to just treat her like my family, by continuing to act normal until the end, and having her in my suicide note. But I wish for something better if it exists.

Hey brother, I'm sorry to hear about your pain and the difficulty choices that are ahead of you.
There is no way through this with causing emotional pain to anyone, but I'd bet what your girl wants from in any matter is honesty.
This sounds easier on paper but if you are planning on CTB then (without full disclosure) it maybe better to break it off citing mental illness and put a wall and some distance between you.
From here point of view she won't be left asking:
'what could I have done?'
And agonizing over this for ever.

However this pans out I hope you find some peace brother
DBD

 

[throwaway123]

everything

 

[Misanthrope]

Just going to be blunt. Absence hurts, it does not matter how you dress it up or what you do. You will be gone and that will hurt in the moment and hurt beyond it, especially if you matter to them and they view you as an integral part of their life as you suggest. All until it lessens and the world keeps turning for them and they take solace in you being at peace now. Believing otherwise is pure self comforting delusion. You cannot soften this sadly, or prepare them without provoking intervention.

A note though won't lessen that pain of absence, it may give them greater insight as to your reasoning. But it also may cause more problems as they ruminate on what is said. In my own experience having been left a parting message I found it a focus of much thought long after. One sentence I can never query them on as to what it means and what the context even was. That is haunting in a way I wont go into. The mobile phone in question I keep in the drawer and get stupid anxiety that final message will corrode. Its dumb but it is as it is. This is three years on.

Lastly breaking up with your girlfriend just seems foolish to me. When you break up and try and convey, "It's not you its me." They will still think it is them. Soon after you will be dead. What association and self reflection will that leave them with heightened by your death and recent actions?? Was the relationship so bad that you hated them? Is she to blame? Is this the ultimate rejection? Was the love she thought she had all a lie? Why did you not talk to her sooner maybe any issues could have been resolved? Curious if you have spoken to her, not about suicide but your misery instead?

Also dying is actually hard, you have fight yourself and you may fail. Sometimes staring at that precipice accelerates a person away from death back towards life when they do fail. Do you want to burn a bridge of something that seems pretty loving? Something you value enough to pose this question in the first place?

Might be best to continue as normal as you never know what can happen. Unless your ultimate goal is to create an intentional wasteland in your life so the pain of that makes it easier to drive yourself over the edge. Sadly it is a cruelty of society you can't get to say goodbye as the environment for it rarely exists.

Well those are my thoughts. Make of it what you will.

Peace.

 

[Jean Améry]

Let me preface this by saying, I can't and won't tell her I'm suicidal. That would have the same effect as telling anyone in my family, and things would only be much harder. So that's not what I'm referring to with the title.

Rather, I am trying to decide if there's anything I can do to make my death less hurtful for her. I believe my ctb would hit her the hardest in the long run (she's very emotionally dependent on me and doesn't have as many people to turn to as my family does...she also expects marriage and a long life together with me), and I really want to believe there's some way I can reduce her suffering or "prepare" her somehow. I love her as much as I can possibly love someone with my numbed emotions, and I don't want to leave her, but I have to. Just not sure exactly how to do it.

Break up with her shortly before ctb? I don't know, it seems flawed. It would be extremely suspicious since there's no apparent reason from her perspective, or within our relationship, not to mention it'd be hurtful in its own way. Hell, she might even suspect I'm suicidal just from that.

Is there anything I could say or do, without outright revealing my intention to ctb, that could protect her from knowing, or make my passing easier to accept, or make it easier for her to move on? Maybe it's best to just treat her like my family, by continuing to act normal until the end, and having her in my suicide note. But I wish for something better if it exists.

I don't get how you can think being in relationship with someone and CTB are in any way compatible. You want to leave life and ergo her aswell so why keep up the charade?

If you want to CTB you need to break up with her as soon as you are certain. If you can't do that then it's clear you love her and this should be enough to at least try to hang in there and try to fix whatever is wrong with your life that makes you want to die.

As to it being 'suspicious': if you never told her you were suicidal I don't see why that would be the case. People break up all the time. Even if she does suspect what can she do about it? As an adult you are not obligated to provide a reason why you want to stop seeing anyone no matter how they feel about it.

If you truly want to make it easier for her (in so far as that's possible) my advice would be to cut her out of your life completely, preferably with her thinking of you as a giant a-hole she's better off without. Anger seems far easier to deal with than sadness and grief.

I think you have some soul-searching to do. What is more important to you: death or your girlfriend?

In the end there's probably nothing that one can say or write to make it easier on one's loved-ones. Which is why I decided to live and try my best to make life liveable again so I don't have to hurt those I love. If happiness truly isn't possible the door is still open so to speak but as it stands I can't justify considering my own feelings and pain to be more important than others', especially when they're a) young children or b) someone who loved me my whole life.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Let me preface this by saying, I can't and won't tell her I'm suicidal. That would have the same effect as telling anyone in my family, and things would only be much harder. So that's not what I'm referring to with the title.

Rather, I am trying to decide if there's anything I can do to make my death less hurtful for her. I believe my ctb would hit her the hardest in the long run (she's very emotionally dependent on me and doesn't have as many people to turn to as my family does...she also expects marriage and a long life together with me), and I really want to believe there's some way I can reduce her suffering or "prepare" her somehow. I love her as much as I can possibly love someone with my numbed emotions, and I don't want to leave her, but I have to. Just not sure exactly how to do it.

Break up with her shortly before ctb? I don't know, it seems flawed. It would be extremely suspicious since there's no apparent reason from her perspective, or within our relationship, not to mention it'd be hurtful in its own way. Hell, she might even suspect I'm suicidal just from that.

Is there anything I could say or do, without outright revealing my intention to ctb, that could protect her from knowing, or make my passing easier to accept, or make it easier for her to move on? Maybe it's best to just treat her like my family, by continuing to act normal until the end, and having her in my suicide note. But I wish for something better if it exists.

You can talk about suicide indirectly, such as others suicides, a friends suicide. But you must be very careful how you do it.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Could you start doing things that increase her emotional independence or might encourage her to make a wider group of friends? I'm not sure what exactly, but the only thing you can really do is try to ensure that there's a bit of a support network for when you leave.

 

[Jean Améry]

You can talk about suicide indirectly, such as others suicides, a friends suicide. But you must be very careful how you do it.

In theory that's a good idea. However if she's smart she'll likely figure it out. That's at least been my experience: two people I had discussions with regarding euthanasia and suicide asked me directly whether I was thinking of suicide myself.

 

[Robbyna]

Do you suffer from any mental illness? If so I would recommend you not breaking up. You May find that time will make things a bit better with your prospective, but eliminating positive influences and support will not help your mental state. You won't be able to make your death any easier no matter what you say. In fact I would say trying to make others okay with your death may only make things worse and make them feel once you are gone that there were things they could've/ should've said/done had they known what you were planning. You have to reconcile with the notion that you will be mourned no matter when or how you go.

 

[Apostle]

Could you start doing things that increase her emotional independence or might encourage her to make a wider group of friends? I'm not sure what exactly, but the only thing you can really do is try to ensure that there's a bit of a support network for when you leave.

I've been trying, but to limited success so far, and one of her only other friends died very recently. I may have to work more on this with her before I do anything to myself. I think it's the only thing I can do to help her in any form.

 

[Steve En]

You definately need to break up if you are in a relationship trying to DIE. Otherwise your being extermely selfish and flawed. Especially if your still sleeping with her, you wont be able to bring yourself to do it unless shes out of your life.