Help What to do?

[Qverty7455]

So I am at the state when I am sure I don't want to live anymore. So many bad stuff happened and because of my mental illneses I just can't continue and be happy.
I had 3 suicide attempts in the past and this time I wan't to make sure it will be 100% or at least pretty close to it.
My only problem is my family (mainly my mother) I live with her and it's so hard to CTB if you are with her everyday and you see how it would destroy her but I just can't be there because of her I am so unhappy. Plus I don't know where to do it. If I go to hotel she will be suspicious and won't let me go because she know what I am going through.
I would need to find a job and my own place and then it would be easy but my depression is so bad last couple of days I can barely get out of bed so I can't imagine working.
Another problem is I would like to get hold on F and use this method for CTB but I was never buying stuff like that and I am scared I might mess it up :(((
It's so terrible wanting to leave so bad but not having the right method and place so I am sometimes thinking of stabbing my own throat multiple times would do the job...but I know I shouldn't do that.

 

[gingerplum]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. That kind of pain is unbearable.

I'm sure someone here could walk you thru the dark web & the bitcoin process; otherwise I'd look at SN.

If you had a car you could find a parking lot where you wouldn't draw any attention for a few hours.

 

[RightToExit]

Plus I don't know where to do it. If I go to hotel she will be suspicious and won't let me go because she know what I am going through.

I'd start becoming more active and independent. Develop hobbies where you're away from home for a day or two at a time, e.g. camping or small visits to other cities. Once this is an established pattern you're comfortable with, you can look for practical ways to ctb there.

Ideally, we should live in a world where you can have honest conversations with your mom about this topic. You could then talk it through with her, consider the consequences together and insist you are your own person and that this is a choice you can make for yourself. Unfortunately, with suicide planning, too much honesty can undermine your human rights, thanks to the legal status quo. So in this case, I think you're probably better off not being too honest about it. (Perhaps you can leave an honest note if and when you actually do ctb.)

 

[Qverty7455]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. That kind of pain is unbearable.

I'm sure someone here could walk you thru the dark web & the bitcoin process; otherwise I'd look at SN.

If you had a car you could find a parking lot where you wouldn't draw any attention for a few hours.

thank you :/ I wish I will have to do SN after all because I am scared if I get N or F I might get caught and sent to prison which will be the last thing I will need in my life

 

[Blackjack]

Please don't stab yourself in the throat multiple times.

 

[Qverty7455]

I'd start becoming more active and independent. Develop hobbies where you're away from home for a day or two at a time, e.g. camping or small visits to other cities. Once this is an established pattern you're comfortable with, you can look for practical ways to ctb there.

Ideally, we should live in a world where you can have honest conversations with your mom about this topic. You could then talk it through with her, consider the consequences together and insist you are your own person and that this is a choice you can make for yourself. Unfortunately, with suicide planning, too much honesty can undermine your human rights, thanks to the legal status quo. So in this case, I think you're probably better off not being too honest about it. (Perhaps you can leave an honest note if and when you actually do ctb.)

she knows I want to CTB and I told her about it...she said I should do it but not at home but I am sure she said that only to shut my mouth...she told me she can't help me anyway...that she tried but it's my life and I am an adult but I am sure no mother would let her children go when the time comes. I guess there is no worst thing for a parent than to outlive your children. it's so sad when I want to leave peacefully and without trouble I risk getting myself into problems with law...even tho I want it only for myself...not fair

 

[RightToExit]

she knows I want to CTB and I told her about it...she said I should do it but not at home but I am sure she said that only to shut my mouth...she told me she can't help me anyway...that she tried but it's my life and I am an adult but I am sure no mother would let her children go when the time comes. I guess there is no worst thing for a parent than to outlive your children. it's so sad when I want to leave peacefully and without trouble I risk getting myself into problems with law...even tho I want it only for myself...not fair

Indeed, I am unhappy about the legal status quo in my country also; this is one of the topics where governments have really failed people.

 

[Qverty7455]

Indeed, I am unhappy about the legal status quo in my country also; this is one of the topics where governments have really failed people.

is there a way to check how they treat people caught with F or N in my country?

 

[Stan]

Hi there. I just wish you could get out of that environment as it sounds so unhealthy for you. Do you have any relatives or friends you can stay with for a while to at least give you some time to breathe and think? This site is great for methods, take time to look through and find something. They are mainly based on the peaceful process so there is some comfort in that.

 

[Rachel74]

is there a way to check how they treat people caught with F or N in my country?

Where are you from?

 

[Qverty7455]

Hi there. I just wish you could get out of that environment as it sounds so unhealthy for you. Do you have any relatives or friends you can stay with for a while to at least give you some time to breathe and think? This site is great for methods, take time to look through and find something. They are mainly based on the peaceful process so there is some comfort in that.

I am the biggest problem because I have BDD and I hate myself so much everytime I look into mirror or see my picture or see someone else who looks good...that's why I can't live anymore because death is the only way to get rid of the selfhatred. I can't live in this body anymore. I lost my girl recently because I am depressed and she was my everything and I can't get her out of my head...I tried to reach out but she totaly got rid of me and I am no one for her anymore and I can't find anyone with this illness and 0 self esteem

Where are you from?

czech republic

 

[Rachel74]

I am the biggest problem because I have BDD and I hate myself so much everytime I look into mirror or see my picture or see someone else who looks good...that's why I can't live anymore because death is the only way to get rid of the selfhatred. I can't live in this body anymore. I lost my girl recently because I am depressed and she was my everything and I can't get her out of my head...I tried to reach out but she totaly got rid of me and I am no one for her anymore and I can't find anyone with this illness and 0 self esteem

czech republic

You need to contact A then for N.

 

[Qverty7455]

You need to contact A then for N.

and what if the will find the shipment and arrest me ?

 

[Rachel74]

and what if the will find the shipment and arrest me ?

Arrest you for what? I doubt they will think you are buying it to sell. They will just take it off you, the real danger is A getting found out as hes the only reliable source of it.

 

[RightToExit]

I lost my girl recently because I am depressed and she was my everything and I can't get her out of my head...I tried to reach out but she totaly got rid of me and I am no one for her anymore and I can't find anyone with this illness and 0 self esteem

I support your right to choose for yourself what are good reasons to live or not to live. That said, girls are very replaceable and living without romance is not a dealbreaker either. When you are in a state where you think you need a specific girl, your brain is fucking with your perception. You can't force your brain to stop doing that, but it is temporary and will fade in time when you don't have contact with the girl. It's worth remembering that the focus of your life is your own person, not any specific other person. If you can gain (or regain) that mental focus, you are better equipped to evaluate your situation with more clarity.

 

[Qverty7455]

Arrest you for what? I doubt they will think you are buying it to sell. They will just take it off you, the real danger is A getting found out as hes the only reliable source of it.

I read the PPH and it was written there they arrested some people and they were sentenced only because they owned N. I am scared because if I imagine going to jail for several years and being there with my depression would be the real hell.
I would even buy F if I was sure it will pass to me just okay without any trouble.
Is buying F more dangerous than N ? Worse consequences ?

 

[Blackjack]

Arrest you for what? I doubt they will think you are buying it to sell. They will just take it off you, the real danger is A getting found out as hes the only reliable source of it.

I don't know if A ships to the Czech Republic?

 

[Qverty7455]

I support your right to choose for yourself what are good reasons to live or not to live. That said, girls are very replaceable and living without romance is not a dealbreaker either. When you are in a state where you think you need a specific girl, your brain is fucking with your perception. You can't force your brain to stop doing that, but it is temporary and will fade in time when you don't have contact with the girl. It's worth remembering that the focus of your life is your own person, not any specific other person. If you can gain (or regain) that mental focus, you are better equipped to evaluate your situation with more clarity.

It's not just the girl as I wrote earlier, it's mostly about me. But she was my first at 21 years old...which is kinda sad.
I know there are worse things in life (no one can understand how can I be so depressed about it so that's why I don't talk about it that much but it's not very that easy if you have to live in body you hate 24/7 and you can't run away, it's like being trapped in something you hate and can't change)but this illnes is driving me crazy ( and I just can't talk to girls or even be with them in a relationship because I have the constant fear I won't be good enough and she will dump me or leave me anyway. I was running from everyone for my whole life because I was scared about them leaving me and lying to me as every girl in the past I tried to get did. And recently I found my ex was lying to me aswell and I believed her and I really thought she is the one that won't betray me and after that I won't be able to trust anyone. I am just so destroyed.
I'm weak person while I should be men. I just want this constant pain to go away. I got treatment I was 3x times in psych ward, had pills and everything, but nothing helped me.