... and you refused to answer questions for months. And when you finally mention ctb, they get on their high horse and say 'I cannot listen to this' instead of saying 'please call emergency services, parents, police' etc.
Lethe
Fey
- Sep 19, 2019
- 670
Drop them like a hot potato, they're not worth your time.
Broken Chimera
The abyss also gazes into you
- May 27, 2019
- 972
They weren't asking because they cared. They're asking because they wanted to pretend to care and get into your business. I agree with Lethe, get rid of them.
PeachBlossoms2310
Member
- Apr 24, 2020
- 35
Ignore them. They pretend to care so that they feel good, they feel that they are a good and caring person. The fact that when you reveal the real issue and they run should tell you everything.
I did get rid of them. It was so hurtful. Social rejection hurts (in the brain) similarly to receiving a kick in the jaw.
This person was my friend for 12+ years, and I always lavished her with expensive presents, trips, and of course cash when she needed.
She recently tricked her boyfriend (not my business to say, but hey we're anonymous here) and got pregnant without his consent, and asked me to be the baby's godmother although she knew (and I didn't) that the baby had a 2/3 chance of having a genetic problem. When she told me that she tricked her boyfriend expecting him to propose once she was pregnant, I didn't judge, I didn't reprimand, I just shut up. When she asked me to be godmother, I politely declined and explained that I have been diagnosed with panic disorder.
After months in which she's received help from family and partner in raising the baby, during which she's been tormenting me with pics and videos of said baby although she knows that my biggest dream was to become a mom but cannot due to the medications that I am taking, she kept on asking me if there was anything wrong and how she could help. So I just said I was suicidal, and immediately she went on a rant about how she is overly sensitive and cannot listen to this because she takes 'the energy' of the person she is talking to. I told her nobody asked her to do any of this, and that if she felt I crossed a boundary in mentioning that word, then she could block me. And she said "I might be forced to do just that." Anyhow, I blocked her. I am just shocked that this was her reaction and not 'call emergency services / parents.'
This person was my friend for 12+ years, and I always lavished her with expensive presents, trips, and of course cash when she needed.
She recently tricked her boyfriend (not my business to say, but hey we're anonymous here) and got pregnant without his consent, and asked me to be the baby's godmother although she knew (and I didn't) that the baby had a 2/3 chance of having a genetic problem. When she told me that she tricked her boyfriend expecting him to propose once she was pregnant, I didn't judge, I didn't reprimand, I just shut up. When she asked me to be godmother, I politely declined and explained that I have been diagnosed with panic disorder.
After months in which she's received help from family and partner in raising the baby, during which she's been tormenting me with pics and videos of said baby although she knows that my biggest dream was to become a mom but cannot due to the medications that I am taking, she kept on asking me if there was anything wrong and how she could help. So I just said I was suicidal, and immediately she went on a rant about how she is overly sensitive and cannot listen to this because she takes 'the energy' of the person she is talking to. I told her nobody asked her to do any of this, and that if she felt I crossed a boundary in mentioning that word, then she could block me. And she said "I might be forced to do just that." Anyhow, I blocked her. I am just shocked that this was her reaction and not 'call emergency services / parents.'
Some people are complete selfish assholes. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I was a really good person that genuinely cared for and spent most of my time working for others. Then there are people like her - and WE are the ones that get saddled with these illnesses that destroy lives. If there was a God, I feel like he would be a little more selective. I realize that comes off as me saying perhaps I am better than someone else and don't deserve to suffer, and perhaps I am saying that they deserve to suffer when I don't. I realize that makes me a selfish brat/asshole. But there are some really shitty people out there. I don't understand how they get to live their entire lives.
Honestly I think they get to live just by pestering and annoying other people until they get what they want.
I understand what you are saying. I am obsessed with this idea of 'karma points.' I have helped so many people in my life, family, acquaintances, in school, in the workplace, with money, with connections, I've donated and never bragged because I thought God would strike me if I did, and I was the one to get sick, physically and mentally. And all those that I helped in a major way that I can remember off the top of my head, they are doing well. I haven't heard of anyone getting sick or having something bad happening to them, and now with social media it's pretty easy to find out.
Right?!?! I am so frustrated. No one in my world is suffering like this. I'm like a bratty 5 year old kicking my feet and crying. "Why me??!!" I can't help it. I want my life back and I know so many assholes - mind you, I never cared if they were assholes - to each their own- but now this??? And these people get to keep moving on? It's maddening!
I am so f^cking sorry that you had to experience that. It's so extremely difficult to be vulnerable when in pain esp w/ those closest to you and whom you have in many ways helped and protected when they were in need without hesitation nor judgement. It's so sad how often and apparent these sort of responses are. I've experienced something(s) similar and it's rooooough and sort of puts a stamp on already feeling inadequate, unlovable and "too much"/a burden. I am glad that you were strong enough to block her and put up barriers, but sad that you in-turn lost a friend.
Thank you for your kind words. But I don't think I lost a friend. This pretty much showed it.
Before saying that she cannot listen to this, she briefly mentioned that it's hard for her to believe how such an attractive woman like me (yes I am decently attractive, definitely more than her who needs to trick her partner of 10 years or whatever to have a baby) is unsuccessful in life. Somehow she seemed glad that bad things happen to attractive people. Maybe I am part of her 'other people' just like she is part of my 'other people.'
Damn.
That speaks volumes. There is something about insecure and conniving people that pleasure in the pain of those that they've been jealous of. It's either indirect or directly, but it always surfaces.
She's validated why she wasn't worthy of a "friend" title, but it doesn't take away the fact that despite her faults you once cared and supported her. You deserved the same if not more in return and I am sorry you didn't receive that.
Again, thank you for your kind words.
Well I could also be irresponsible as she was, get pregnant and risk the baby having some genetic issues, and saddle my partner with responsibility for me and the baby for the rest of our lives, and make him marry me. But I'm not a maniac.
I've lived enough to know that at some point the situation does change, and those who were once up on their their high horse will, by bad luck or simple circumstances, go through a rough patch. If I'm still alive then, I will know never to help her again.
One more thing I remember doing: her CV and cover letter for the one and only job that she landed!
Well I could also be irresponsible as she was, get pregnant and risk the baby having some genetic issues, and saddle my partner with responsibility for me and the baby for the rest of our lives, and make him marry me. But I'm not a maniac.
I've lived enough to know that at some point the situation does change, and those who were once up on their their high horse will, by bad luck or simple circumstances, go through a rough patch. If I'm still alive then, I will know never to help her again.
One more thing I remember doing: her CV and cover letter for the one and only job that she landed!
So it seems I had a magic ball or something, because I have just been contacted by another friend to lend them money. This person has been a friend, although maybe they made comments or had opinions that I didn't always agree with, they have been a friend. But part of me is thinking about all the help I didn't receive when I most needed it, and I feel that maybe I should also stop giving.
What to do? I always feel used, I have felt like this all my life, either for sex, for money, or for association since I am fairly pretty. My first boyfriend used me for his college and master's projects and exams, and when the relationship ended and I reminded him about all the help, he said he would have found either way someone to help him. My second boyfriend used me professionally, I got him a job and helped him with connections since we worked in the same place, and then when the relationship ended, he said that he was grateful for the 'entry,' but that the way he managed the connections was strictly his merit. Although I was even writing his emails for 3+ years.
What to do? I want, as everyone, to feel accepted and to feel that I belong, but I cannot off the top of my head think of someone whom I've helped and who helped me back when I needed. As a side story, my family (so all members individually) donated considerably so that the daughter of a family friend could have surgery. When I met said family friend at our house, I asked how his daughter was doing. He said fine, and never said - by the way, thank you all for your help.
SpareWheel
I go on holidays by mistake
- May 4, 2020
- 354
Cast them out of your life, they're clearly one of those people that ask how you are out of a general it's what people do to be polite way, and they don't really care. Like the person at work who asks how your weekend was, but doesn't actually want to hear anything other than "great thanks, you?"
My Dad was like that, he'd be all sincere and act like he cared, until he heard something he didn't want to. I vividly remember going to a GP once, I'd had this stomach ache for ages, not painful as such but a nagging dull feeling, and this quack told me I either had an ulcer, or cancer - this was without any tests or examinations I might add, clearly got his doctorate from a cornflake packet, and my wonderful Fathers response to hearing this was to start an argument with me and demand I moved out.
I didn't have cancer or an ulcer, it was stress I think, it went away once I got away from him.
Don't waste time on people that pretend to care when it suits them, it's not worth the effort. A proper friend will listen and try to support you, not get angry and say they don't want to hear it when it's then that's explicitly asked you how you are. The old ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies idiom.
My Dad was like that, he'd be all sincere and act like he cared, until he heard something he didn't want to. I vividly remember going to a GP once, I'd had this stomach ache for ages, not painful as such but a nagging dull feeling, and this quack told me I either had an ulcer, or cancer - this was without any tests or examinations I might add, clearly got his doctorate from a cornflake packet, and my wonderful Fathers response to hearing this was to start an argument with me and demand I moved out.
I didn't have cancer or an ulcer, it was stress I think, it went away once I got away from him.
Don't waste time on people that pretend to care when it suits them, it's not worth the effort. A proper friend will listen and try to support you, not get angry and say they don't want to hear it when it's then that's explicitly asked you how you are. The old ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies idiom.
Thank you for the reply. I'm very sorry that this happened to you :(
I just don't understand then, who is in one's corner? If the family isn't, the partner may or may not be, and the friends are just fake for convenience, how do other people thrive?
a.n.kirillov
velle non discitur
- Nov 17, 2019
- 1,831
The same way thing recently happened between me and two of my closest friends, call them Friend A and Friend B.
Friend A was very open with me. We had a heated discussion on life that escalated and we agreed that our worldviews and lifestyles don't mash together anymore. I conceded that he has no obligation to spend time with me if it makes him miserable and that I understand him distancing himself. He told me openly he cannot deal with my obsession with death. I told him that I think about ending my life and he said it was my right to do so. Even though we parted ways with an unresolved conflict and bad feelings towards each other, I felt I was treated with respect.
Friend B on the other hand has been (hypocritically) asking me how I am doing for a long time now and explicitly wanted me to talk about my troubles with him. I did and he did exactly what your friend did: he told me I need to get professional help and proceeded to ghost me. He then started to talk with a psychiatrist about me behind my back and held council with other friends of mine about whether or not he should call the authorities on me (simply because I told him I often thought about suicide, which to my mind seemed like a perfectly healthy thing to say). I did not feel respected by Friend B. He now sends me WhatsApp messages once a month, asking how I am doing and then proceeds to ghost me. On the rare occasion that we talk on the phone, he is markedly uncomfortable, walks on eggshells and filters everything I say for signs I might have suicidal intent.
Note that nothing between me and Friend B has changed, other than that he now knows what is going on inside of me. I was on long backpacking and mountaineering trips (one of which he almost died on – so we went through some shit together) with this friend and felt suicidal throughout most of them – it has never been an issue. So it is all him: he is so uncomfortable with my feelings that he ruins a friendship over them.
Friend A was very open with me. We had a heated discussion on life that escalated and we agreed that our worldviews and lifestyles don't mash together anymore. I conceded that he has no obligation to spend time with me if it makes him miserable and that I understand him distancing himself. He told me openly he cannot deal with my obsession with death. I told him that I think about ending my life and he said it was my right to do so. Even though we parted ways with an unresolved conflict and bad feelings towards each other, I felt I was treated with respect.
Friend B on the other hand has been (hypocritically) asking me how I am doing for a long time now and explicitly wanted me to talk about my troubles with him. I did and he did exactly what your friend did: he told me I need to get professional help and proceeded to ghost me. He then started to talk with a psychiatrist about me behind my back and held council with other friends of mine about whether or not he should call the authorities on me (simply because I told him I often thought about suicide, which to my mind seemed like a perfectly healthy thing to say). I did not feel respected by Friend B. He now sends me WhatsApp messages once a month, asking how I am doing and then proceeds to ghost me. On the rare occasion that we talk on the phone, he is markedly uncomfortable, walks on eggshells and filters everything I say for signs I might have suicidal intent.
Note that nothing between me and Friend B has changed, other than that he now knows what is going on inside of me. I was on long backpacking and mountaineering trips (one of which he almost died on – so we went through some shit together) with this friend and felt suicidal throughout most of them – it has never been an issue. So it is all him: he is so uncomfortable with my feelings that he ruins a friendship over them.
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SleeplessSoul
Student
- Apr 10, 2020
- 131
That sounds really shit. I'm about to go into an appointment so I haven't read the whole thread but I wanted to share this before I forget. A friend reached out with genuine concern and I told him that talking hadn't gone well in the past and he said this:
"And if things havent gone well when you've talked in the past, that isn't because you chose to talk. It was because of the other person's decision to not listen or support you. And I'm honestly always happy for you to talk to talk to me."
It's given me so comfort and helped me heal from 'friendships' like that
"And if things havent gone well when you've talked in the past, that isn't because you chose to talk. It was because of the other person's decision to not listen or support you. And I'm honestly always happy for you to talk to talk to me."
It's given me so comfort and helped me heal from 'friendships' like that
SpareWheel
I go on holidays by mistake
- May 4, 2020
- 354
They have a better quality of friend or family member. For as bad as my father was, my mother was and is ten times the person so I actually got lucky in a way as I'd not swap her for anyone, my grandparents on her side were diamonds too - I didn't actually have that much to do with my father, understandably - even the above story, I'd only been staying with him a matter ow weeks which he clearly couldn't handle after a lifetime of absence, once a deadbeat always a deadbeat, he never changed, just got uglier :P.
Don't be sorry, he's dead now, cancer ironically enough, he didn't bother telling me and I didn't bother caring. I hope things improve for you, there are good people out there I promise. They just stay well hidden most the time.
I had to drop someone recently which is very rare of me.
her and I both have mental health issues and I'd sit on the phone listening to her for 6 hours (no joke). I obviously didn't say the things she wanted me to say and she told me to stop treating her like a patient and more like a friend. When the time would come when I needed someone, she was all like "just phone me". So I phoned her when I was in distress and drunk, she said very mean things to me (not just stuff that I didn't need to hear, but actually nasty stuff). The next week she sent a message to me with a long list of things I need to change about myself, including i don't show her enough gratitude for her apparent "kindness", she doesn't like how i curse, my humour is dark and that I had to respect her boundaries (hilarious this one given our whole "friendship" was one-sided and she even admitted that). She is the kind of person that will say "sorry.. but" which completely negates the apology.
I used this as the perfect opportunity to tell her that we hadn't been good for each other at all in a long while and that we should just leave each other be for a while. She then replied being like "well that's a bit harsh" to which i said "well obviously not given the extensive list you've just sent me where you've stated all I've done is harm you". She then goes to say "well I'm still here if you need me, I will always be your friend" (lol).
enough was enough. Cutting her out has been the best thing. Definitely a last resort and I'm not saying I'd never have her back in my life, but Im not taking that kind of abuse. I won't be reaching out to her ever, the ball will be in her court. I'd literally rather be alone than have someone in my life who is like that. I still wish her well in my thoughts though but until she can see past her own nose then any form of reconciliation is off the cards.
her and I both have mental health issues and I'd sit on the phone listening to her for 6 hours (no joke). I obviously didn't say the things she wanted me to say and she told me to stop treating her like a patient and more like a friend. When the time would come when I needed someone, she was all like "just phone me". So I phoned her when I was in distress and drunk, she said very mean things to me (not just stuff that I didn't need to hear, but actually nasty stuff). The next week she sent a message to me with a long list of things I need to change about myself, including i don't show her enough gratitude for her apparent "kindness", she doesn't like how i curse, my humour is dark and that I had to respect her boundaries (hilarious this one given our whole "friendship" was one-sided and she even admitted that). She is the kind of person that will say "sorry.. but" which completely negates the apology.
I used this as the perfect opportunity to tell her that we hadn't been good for each other at all in a long while and that we should just leave each other be for a while. She then replied being like "well that's a bit harsh" to which i said "well obviously not given the extensive list you've just sent me where you've stated all I've done is harm you". She then goes to say "well I'm still here if you need me, I will always be your friend" (lol).
enough was enough. Cutting her out has been the best thing. Definitely a last resort and I'm not saying I'd never have her back in my life, but Im not taking that kind of abuse. I won't be reaching out to her ever, the ball will be in her court. I'd literally rather be alone than have someone in my life who is like that. I still wish her well in my thoughts though but until she can see past her own nose then any form of reconciliation is off the cards.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry this happened to you and that you were treated with so much fake concern and hypocrisy. I wouldn't in theory care whether I was ghosted, if it weren't for having given this person a bunch of money and presents when they needed it.
I'm sorry you were let down by this person. It must have been painful for you since it took you some time to open up and when you finally did, you got a response that more or less told you that they didn't want to listen.
I'm sorry that you had this experience. In Spanish there's a saying that translates to "better alone than in bad company," so yeah, maybe better alone.
itsamadworld
i wanna die somewhere like up there
- Mar 15, 2020
- 410
It definitely hurts when someone else's intentions are not true, and you definitely have a right to be upset. You could drop them as a friend, or you could tell them (when your at your calmest, hopefully:), how you feel about their approach. Nobody in life is perfect, and all people will let you down. You know the nuances of your friendship, like in, can i reason with this person, type things. If the friendship is worth fighting for, then you'll know what to do. I wish you well.
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