So I have certainty that I will eventually ctb, though I'm trying to extend my stay for as long as I can bear it, as a way to being there for my family -- almost like the phrase of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. Who knows, maybe I'm just in denial, but hopefully not.
Now, for quite some time of my life I've had some company along with me -- even if it was never physical (that by the way, makes me feel defeated) -- which whom I could share a little of our respective lives, even though I don't speak too much; and that I no longer have. So the point is, the image of what my day to day life looks like -- the size of my world, if you may -- is now severely reduced. I use to look at the updates of my social media (which I'm not really interested into) and waste time watching videos, which even if I find something mildly interesting from time to time, it still isn't a way to live. I feel constantly anxious, trapped in a small room, it's excruciating.
And I know that is weird to ask other people what should I do; people don't know what I like, or what makes me feel good. Maybe my brain is just trying to subconsciously vent, trying to sneak out of my self-imposed prison of perpetual mutism and tough-looking facade.
I must be a really twisted person to speak like that. No wonder I push people away, even the ones I do want in my life. I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point.
Sorry for being so vague and diverting from the original topic. So yeah, uhm... what do you do to endure yet another day? huh...
Edit: some edit because grammar, since english is not my first language.
Now, for quite some time of my life I've had some company along with me -- even if it was never physical (that by the way, makes me feel defeated) -- which whom I could share a little of our respective lives, even though I don't speak too much; and that I no longer have. So the point is, the image of what my day to day life looks like -- the size of my world, if you may -- is now severely reduced. I use to look at the updates of my social media (which I'm not really interested into) and waste time watching videos, which even if I find something mildly interesting from time to time, it still isn't a way to live. I feel constantly anxious, trapped in a small room, it's excruciating.
And I know that is weird to ask other people what should I do; people don't know what I like, or what makes me feel good. Maybe my brain is just trying to subconsciously vent, trying to sneak out of my self-imposed prison of perpetual mutism and tough-looking facade.
I must be a really twisted person to speak like that. No wonder I push people away, even the ones I do want in my life. I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point.
Sorry for being so vague and diverting from the original topic. So yeah, uhm... what do you do to endure yet another day? huh...
Edit: some edit because grammar, since english is not my first language.
