Help What the hell do I do? CTB or not?

[heartless_95]

My family immigrated to Canada when I was 5 from Russia and I grew up here ever since. My parents were both very young and had huge marital issues at the time. They drank almost every day and got drunk and belligerent. My mom was very violent towards me and my dad and they had physical fights and screaming matches often. When my brother was born, things got a bit better but both my parents were still really depressed. My mom suffered a stroke she was 30 and almost died and I was being bullied at middle school at that time relentlessly. We had no other family/relatives here, only each other.

My dad eventually lost his job when I turned 17 and it just went downhill from there. He was the sole breadwinner in our family and refused to get another job, essentially telling us all that he was going to move back to Russia and that was that. We could choose to go back with him. I started drinking and being promiscuous, staying out late and my grades were falling. I lost most of my high school friends because of my erratic behavior at the time. I did end up graduating, went back to Russia with my parents and brother and stayed there for a grand total of 4 months before I couldn't stand it any longer and went back on my own with $200 to my name. I had applied for college back in Canada and was accepted. My dad told me he would help me if he can. I stayed with a boyfriend I had at the time and went through college. Worked part time to pay for my rooming and food when I was in school, and dad would send me a bit of money every month to help out. Eventually graduated with good marks and got a job in my field, my own apartment and everything.

Now, my mom meanwhile had left my dad when they got to Russia, and my dad got weekday custody and she has weekend. She married another man and had a child with him (my half sister) and that man has since passed away from lung cancer. She is working to try to get back to Canada now and come live with me.

I had trouble getting my legal documents for the longest time and now have finally gained traction in getting it all resolved so I can finally see my family again, 5 years after I left.

The problem is, the years in between have left me scarred. I'm not the best with making or keeping friends and the stress of my lifestyle has made me extremely depressed. I frequently compare myself with people I know and friends of mine and feel resentment that they have it easier than I do. I turned to drinking myself eventually after a really hard breakup with a boyfriend I had been with for 3 years. It was horrible. I would drink the whole day after work and pass out at 2 AM... Only to wake up at 6 for work and then come back home after and drink again, barely eating. I racked up so much debt because of drinking and much of it is in collections and I don't even know how to pay it all back despite having a decent job. Too ashamed to talk about it with my father.

At this point in life I just want nothing more than to CTB. I drove so many people away because I'm fucked up and can't talk to people/manage relationships, have substance abuse issues and have a difficult time going to a therapist. Have severe body image problems and impulses. I feel like I screwed up so many times in life and missed out on a lot of opportunities because of the way I am. Might be mental illness but it's probably just because I'm a piece of shit.

My mom and I have better relations now and I really do love her but still feel the resentment towards her for how my early life was so fucked up. I had a fight with her recently because of this and she called me ungrateful and that I should be thankful to my parents for giving me the chance to live somewhere like Canada. She also essentially told me that physical abuse I endured/witnessed never happened. I was so upset by her lies that I threatened to hurt myself and that upset her, now we aren't speaking.

What the fuck do I do?? How do I even fix this? I feel like such an asshole and that nothing I can do is the right choice, and that I can't be helped. I feel so guilty for wanting to CTB when my mom and sister need me for when they move back and need somewhere to stay. At the same time I just feel hopeless as fuck. Severely depressed and feel like the future is really bleak. I don't have any family here and the few friends that I have don't live very close, so I can't see them often. I have so little energy to help myself and feel like I need to be punished for all the dumb shit I've done in my life and just need to drop dead. I already ordered SN and meto and am just waiting for it now but I feel so damn guilty.

Is there any hope for this situation? Should I just ignore what I'm feeling and stick it out for the sake of family? Am I just ungrateful and a complete narcissist? I don't even know if my feelings are valid or if I'm just being pathetic

Really sorry for the long read... Thank you for anyone who read this far

 

[sadgirl2002]

I can't tell you to live or die but I understand why you want to ctb for the abuse you went through, I've been through the same. If you feel like ending your life is the right thing for you, then you should. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm sorry that you've been through so much. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

 

[heartless_95]

I can't tell you to live or die but I understand why you want to ctb for the abuse you went through, I've been through the same. If you feel like ending your life is the right thing for you, then you should. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm sorry that you've been through so much. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Thanks for your thoughtful response

 

[Soul]

@heartless_95, I'm sorry you're struggling with all this. You're very forgiving to want to offer a home base for your mother and half-sister, especially when it sounds like you weren't allowed to feel very safe as a child. It sounds like your family's various troubles have been taking up an awful lot of your energy, and no wonder you're weary and confused. (((Hug!)))

When you have your meto and SN, you'll have options. You don't need to use them right away. For me the awareness that I have a way out is very reassuring; it makes it a lot easier to deal with hard situations because I know I've got a choice. I hope it'll work that way for you too.

Keep talking to us, and maybe you'll get more clarity about what you want to do.

Where is your brother now?

 

[Stan]

That's a sad story and I am sad that this happened to you.

Your story had two aspects to as the way you have written it. First the despair of your history and how its got you to where you are now with all your strong feelings. But there is a touch of good in there. Better relations with your mother, even said you were looking forward to seeing her and your sister. You worked hard to get all the legal stuff relating to your residency sorted and I bet that was hard work and you achieved it.

To give yourself some balance that I think you need to be able to say what's the right path for you I would suggest some forgiveness needs to be given. Forgive yourself for starters. You never wanted that childhood, it wasn't your fault, to get through that, go to college, get good grades and a job in another country must have taken some strength and determination. You should be very proud of that achievement.

Maybe forgive your mother, it sounds like she has a number of issues herself and much as you may want to help, you need to get better yourself first. To be honest I am not sure its a great combination to have two people with a drink problem in the same house. parents are parents, we are always right and we are always fantastic. That's the way we see it but often the reality is the reverse. Or she maybe blocking it out through guilt, I don't know.

Maybe if you started to get bits of your life under control, the drinking is a good place. Find local AA groups and get support with people who really know what its like. Try a different therapist if the one you have is crap. With regard to finding friends, invite people from work out for a drink. Most big cities also have organised social events for those that are single or new to city and looking to meet people, they are not dating things so don't worry.

You had a question, should I stick it out for my family? Only you can say but if after trying to improve your life if you want that and you still feel the same, then you can only make the decision that's best for you. I responded to you just because in all your explanation of who you are and the darkness that surrounds you, there was a small bit of light in there. You also sound like your own worst critic, don't forget all of the successes you have had since going to college and after.

Every single one of your feelings are valid. They are your feelings.

My email box is always open if you want to talk.

 

[heartless_95]

@heartless_95, I'm sorry you're struggling with all this. You're very forgiving to want to offer a home base for your mother and half-sister, especially when it sounds like you weren't allowed to feel very safe as a child. It sounds like your family's various troubles have been taking up an awful lot of your energy, and no wonder you're weary and confused. (((Hug!)))

When you have your meto and SN, you'll have options. You don't need to use them right away. For me the awareness that I have a way out is very reassuring; it makes it a lot easier to deal with hard situations because I know I've got a choice. I hope it'll work that way for you too.

Keep talking to us, and maybe you'll get more clarity about what you want to do.

Where is your brother now?

Thanks yeah, the waiting for the shipment is the hardest part. I just worry about my mom's welfare if I ever choose to take it because then her life and her plans will get upended. My brother is back home and is currently living with my father. Thanks again so much for your kind words.

That's a sad story and I am sad that this happened to you.

Your story had two aspects to as the way you have written it. First the despair of your history and how its got you to where you are now with all your strong feelings. But there is a touch of good in there. Better relations with your mother, even said you were looking forward to seeing her and your sister. You worked hard to get all the legal stuff relating to your residency sorted and I bet that was hard work and you achieved it.

To give yourself some balance that I think you need to be able to say what's the right path for you I would suggest some forgiveness needs to be given. Forgive yourself for starters. You never wanted that childhood, it wasn't your fault, to get through that, go to college, get good grades and a job in another country must have taken some strength and determination. You should be very proud of that achievement.

Maybe forgive your mother, it sounds like she has a number of issues herself and much as you may want to help, you need to get better yourself first. To be honest I am not sure its a great combination to have two people with a drink problem in the same house. parents are parents, we are always right and we are always fantastic. That's the way we see it but often the reality is the reverse. Or she maybe blocking it out through guilt, I don't know.

Maybe if you started to get bits of your life under control, the drinking is a good place. Find local AA groups and get support with people who really know what its like. Try a different therapist if the one you have is crap. With regard to finding friends, invite people from work out for a drink. Most big cities also have organised social events for those that are single or new to city and looking to meet people, they are not dating things so don't worry.

You had a question, should I stick it out for my family? Only you can say but if after trying to improve your life if you want that and you still feel the same, then you can only make the decision that's best for you. I responded to you just because in all your explanation of who you are and the darkness that surrounds you, there was a small bit of light in there. You also sound like your own worst critic, don't forget all of the successes you have had since going to college and after.

Every single one of your feelings are valid. They are your feelings.

My email box is always open if you want to talk.

Thank you so much Stan for this advice. It's hard not to be self critical because of all the crap that's happened and wondering if I deserve it and then thinking through all the things I've done that lead me to this point. I appreciate the thought you put into this response. Might start looking around for some support groups to try to get out of this hole and make an effort before I decide it's hopeless. Thanks again.

 

[GreyMonkey]

If you decide to live I second getting to alcoholics anonymous and really giving it a go. They suggest 6 meetings to see if it's for you. There are meetings everywhere in the world and the fellowship can be very supportive for those in similar situations. You'll find that many people there have been through some version of the same thing.
You can also find debtors anonymous which might help you find a handle on your debts.

I also agree about finding a better therapist. You need to work with someone trained in complex-ptsd (I.e. childhood trauma). NARM is the most effective model I've found, especially if they are also trained in somatic experiencing and neuro-affective touch. There may be someone around.

It's not easy to undo the damage that a difficult childhood leaves on us. Yet you have the scaffold to give it a go. You are educated and have a good job, that's a starting place which you can grow from.

If it is too much and it seems hopeless and pointless then yes ctb is always an option, yet in some ways I think it's just as difficult a decision and action, albeit shorter. You'll know if that's what you decide.

Also here if you wanna chat or reach out.

 

[heartless_95]

If you decide to live I second getting to alcoholics anonymous and really giving it a go. They suggest 6 meetings to see if it's for you. There are meetings everywhere in the world and the fellowship can be very supportive for those in similar situations. You'll find that many people there have been through some version of the same thing.
You can also find debtors anonymous which might help you find a handle on your debts.

I also agree about finding a better therapist. You need to work with someone trained in complex-ptsd (I.e. childhood trauma). NARM is the most effective model I've found, especially if they are also trained in somatic experiencing and neuro-affective touch. There may be someone around.

It's not easy to undo the damage that a difficult childhood leaves on us. Yet you have the scaffold to give it a go. You are educated and have a good job, that's a starting place which you can grow from.

If it is too much and it seems hopeless and pointless then yes ctb is always an option, yet in some ways I think it's just as difficult a decision and action, albeit shorter. You'll know if that's what you decide.

Also here if you wanna chat or reach out.

Thank you GreyMonkey. I've looked up the centre in my city and will reach out to them this coming week. It's definitely not an easy decision either way but that's why we're all here after all. Appreciate your tip on the debtors anonymous as well, will look into that. Much love.

 

[RedAlert]

My family immigrated to Canada when I was 5 from Russia and I grew up here ever since. My parents were both very young and had huge marital issues at the time. They drank almost every day and got drunk and belligerent. My mom was very violent towards me and my dad and they had physical fights and screaming matches often. When my brother was born, things got a bit better but both my parents were still really depressed. My mom suffered a stroke she was 30 and almost died and I was being bullied at middle school at that time relentlessly. We had no other family/relatives here, only each other.

My dad eventually lost his job when I turned 17 and it just went downhill from there. He was the sole breadwinner in our family and refused to get another job, essentially telling us all that he was going to move back to Russia and that was that. We could choose to go back with him. I started drinking and being promiscuous, staying out late and my grades were falling. I lost most of my high school friends because of my erratic behavior at the time. I did end up graduating, went back to Russia with my parents and brother and stayed there for a grand total of 4 months before I couldn't stand it any longer and went back on my own with $200 to my name. I had applied for college back in Canada and was accepted. My dad told me he would help me if he can. I stayed with a boyfriend I had at the time and went through college. Worked part time to pay for my rooming and food when I was in school, and dad would send me a bit of money every month to help out. Eventually graduated with good marks and got a job in my field, my own apartment and everything.

Now, my mom meanwhile had left my dad when they got to Russia, and my dad got weekday custody and she has weekend. She married another man and had a child with him (my half sister) and that man has since passed away from lung cancer. She is working to try to get back to Canada now and come live with me.

I had trouble getting my legal documents for the longest time and now have finally gained traction in getting it all resolved so I can finally see my family again, 5 years after I left.

The problem is, the years in between have left me scarred. I'm not the best with making or keeping friends and the stress of my lifestyle has made me extremely depressed. I frequently compare myself with people I know and friends of mine and feel resentment that they have it easier than I do. I turned to drinking myself eventually after a really hard breakup with a boyfriend I had been with for 3 years. It was horrible. I would drink the whole day after work and pass out at 2 AM... Only to wake up at 6 for work and then come back home after and drink again, barely eating. I racked up so much debt because of drinking and much of it is in collections and I don't even know how to pay it all back despite having a decent job. Too ashamed to talk about it with my father.

At this point in life I just want nothing more than to CTB. I drove so many people away because I'm fucked up and can't talk to people/manage relationships, have substance abuse issues and have a difficult time going to a therapist. Have severe body image problems and impulses. I feel like I screwed up so many times in life and missed out on a lot of opportunities because of the way I am. Might be mental illness but it's probably just because I'm a piece of shit.

My mom and I have better relations now and I really do love her but still feel the resentment towards her for how my early life was so fucked up. I had a fight with her recently because of this and she called me ungrateful and that I should be thankful to my parents for giving me the chance to live somewhere like Canada. She also essentially told me that physical abuse I endured/witnessed never happened. I was so upset by her lies that I threatened to hurt myself and that upset her, now we aren't speaking.

What the fuck do I do?? How do I even fix this? I feel like such an asshole and that nothing I can do is the right choice, and that I can't be helped. I feel so guilty for wanting to CTB when my mom and sister need me for when they move back and need somewhere to stay. At the same time I just feel hopeless as fuck. Severely depressed and feel like the future is really bleak. I don't have any family here and the few friends that I have don't live very close, so I can't see them often. I have so little energy to help myself and feel like I need to be punished for all the dumb shit I've done in my life and just need to drop dead. I already ordered SN and meto and am just waiting for it now but I feel so damn guilty.

Is there any hope for this situation? Should I just ignore what I'm feeling and stick it out for the sake of family? Am I just ungrateful and a complete narcissist? I don't even know if my feelings are valid or if I'm just being pathetic

Really sorry for the long read... Thank you for anyone who read this far ❤

So you go to work with a hangover, dehydrated, hungry and probably with a major headache. Then you go back home with alot of dangerous alone/free time to think about how much of an asshole you think you are, probably dwelling on past negative memories. You crack the bottle and drink all alone ti'll 2am?

No no no, this is a major issue my dear. You need to chill with some positive people, you need to somehow get people to bring out your positives. If your all alobe i your home, ofcourse those negative thoughts are going to be bouncing around the walls. Trust me, you do have good traits and we can all contribute in ways we can't even imagine or even realize in this world.

I think you should bury the past with the family, start a new slate, move forward with love and integrity. This pointing fingers game is tearing your relationship with your mother apart.

I think when your sis and mother come to Canada, that might open a new chapter in your lives. A mother's love can be very refreshing.

Don't have to follow my advice to the T, just throwing ideas, getting you to think.

 

[tomz323]

My family immigrated to Canada when I was 5 from Russia and I grew up here ever since. My parents were both very young and had huge marital issues at the time. They drank almost every day and got drunk and belligerent. My mom was very violent towards me and my dad and they had physical fights and screaming matches often. When my brother was born, things got a bit better but both my parents were still really depressed. My mom suffered a stroke she was 30 and almost died and I was being bullied at middle school at that time relentlessly. We had no other family/relatives here, only each other.

My dad eventually lost his job when I turned 17 and it just went downhill from there. He was the sole breadwinner in our family and refused to get another job, essentially telling us all that he was going to move back to Russia and that was that. We could choose to go back with him. I started drinking and being promiscuous, staying out late and my grades were falling. I lost most of my high school friends because of my erratic behavior at the time. I did end up graduating, went back to Russia with my parents and brother and stayed there for a grand total of 4 months before I couldn't stand it any longer and went back on my own with $200 to my name. I had applied for college back in Canada and was accepted. My dad told me he would help me if he can. I stayed with a boyfriend I had at the time and went through college. Worked part time to pay for my rooming and food when I was in school, and dad would send me a bit of money every month to help out. Eventually graduated with good marks and got a job in my field, my own apartment and everything.

Now, my mom meanwhile had left my dad when they got to Russia, and my dad got weekday custody and she has weekend. She married another man and had a child with him (my half sister) and that man has since passed away from lung cancer. She is working to try to get back to Canada now and come live with me.

I had trouble getting my legal documents for the longest time and now have finally gained traction in getting it all resolved so I can finally see my family again, 5 years after I left.

The problem is, the years in between have left me scarred. I'm not the best with making or keeping friends and the stress of my lifestyle has made me extremely depressed. I frequently compare myself with people I know and friends of mine and feel resentment that they have it easier than I do. I turned to drinking myself eventually after a really hard breakup with a boyfriend I had been with for 3 years. It was horrible. I would drink the whole day after work and pass out at 2 AM... Only to wake up at 6 for work and then come back home after and drink again, barely eating. I racked up so much debt because of drinking and much of it is in collections and I don't even know how to pay it all back despite having a decent job. Too ashamed to talk about it with my father.

At this point in life I just want nothing more than to CTB. I drove so many people away because I'm fucked up and can't talk to people/manage relationships, have substance abuse issues and have a difficult time going to a therapist. Have severe body image problems and impulses. I feel like I screwed up so many times in life and missed out on a lot of opportunities because of the way I am. Might be mental illness but it's probably just because I'm a piece of shit.

My mom and I have better relations now and I really do love her but still feel the resentment towards her for how my early life was so fucked up. I had a fight with her recently because of this and she called me ungrateful and that I should be thankful to my parents for giving me the chance to live somewhere like Canada. She also essentially told me that physical abuse I endured/witnessed never happened. I was so upset by her lies that I threatened to hurt myself and that upset her, now we aren't speaking.

What the fuck do I do?? How do I even fix this? I feel like such an asshole and that nothing I can do is the right choice, and that I can't be helped. I feel so guilty for wanting to CTB when my mom and sister need me for when they move back and need somewhere to stay. At the same time I just feel hopeless as fuck. Severely depressed and feel like the future is really bleak. I don't have any family here and the few friends that I have don't live very close, so I can't see them often. I have so little energy to help myself and feel like I need to be punished for all the dumb shit I've done in my life and just need to drop dead. I already ordered SN and meto and am just waiting for it now but I feel so damn guilty.

Is there any hope for this situation? Should I just ignore what I'm feeling and stick it out for the sake of family? Am I just ungrateful and a complete narcissist? I don't even know if my feelings are valid or if I'm just being pathetic

Really sorry for the long read... Thank you for anyone who read this far ❤

I read the whole thing, sounds like you've had it rough mate. I'm still trying to hold out for hope, maybe you should too? Don't do anything rash until you are sure is what I'm trying to say.

 

[Rachel74]

You have tried so hard to turn your life around and I feel you should still try and hold onto that. You sound stronger than you think.