Venting What the hell am i still hoping for ?

[Kassender]

I cant take the hell in my head any longer.

Everyday my mind drags me to new lows and puts me through a mental torture i have absolutely no control over, even though i try to. Even though i can feel really fine on the morning.

Im exhausted.
And i have no one to turn to.
Im invisible and have been all my life.

Im all alone and the one who should be my only friend is my worst enemy.

Why do i resist?
I know itll start all over again tomorrow,
Why the hell do i always go back?

 

[Anarchy]

Hey. I'm sorry you're going through this situation.
I can relate to you as I have also been invisible my whole life.
Maybe it's so hard because it's easier to not take any action. That's how it is for me, anyway. There's the planning, and the risk of failure, and the survival instinct which can be big deterrents.
Also, it can be really hard to imagine being gone forever. I still feel uncomfortable about that.
Even when you're completely isolated, it can be just as hard to attempt.
I always thought that the worse my situation, the more likely I was to attempt, but that isn't necessarily true. That's the worse thing about it: you don't stop things from getting worse because you think that that'll make it easier for you to die, but then it's just as hard.
Stupid survival instict.
Some people are able to attempt better in a certain mood. For me, it's when I'm happy, angry or desperate. So, I can listen to music, think about everyone who has wronged me, or convince myself that I'm about to be sectioned to put myself in the right mindset.
For some people, calling the police works because it makes them feel forced to act.
I guess if you haven't already, you could try familiarising yourself with your method (e.g. setting the equipment up/scoping out place of death/getting used to being around chosen weapon, etc).

I also know that every day will be the same, and part of the reason I stay is because I like thinking.
It should be easier to attempt when you logically know that things won't improve, but the survival instinct seems to manifest itself in lots of different ways.

I'm an athiest, but I find the notion of my death more comfortable and meaningful if I imagine that I'll be reincarnated back into this life, or go to an alternate reality in whivh I am still alive, or something like that.
You could kid yourself that anything you want could happen after death, and it wouldn't matter that if it's true or not. Just anything that makes death seem easier.
Either extreme nonsense, or try to see it as logically as possible, where it's an inescapable process.
If only we were able to determine the chance of success of our suicide...

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

And i have no one to turn to.
Im invisible and have been all my life.

Isolation is necessary to leave. But it's also hell.

 

[Anarchy]

Isolation is necessary to leave. But it's also hell.

I sometimes wonder if it is necessary. If something's too hellish, it can make someone too depressed to act...

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

I sometimes wonder if it is necessary. If something's too hellish, it can make someone too depressed to act...

I believe it is because 99% of people will never understand the decision for self-deliverance. Even if it's not physical isolation, emotional isolation is already there. And the more attachments you have to others in this world, the longer you will stay in this limbo of wanting to die but never doing it, watching your life decline further.

 

[Anarchy]

I believe it is because 99% of people will never understand the decision for self-deliverance. Even if it's not physical isolation, emotional isolation is already there. And the more attachments you have to others in this world, the longer you will stay in this limbo of wanting to die but never doing it, watching your life decline further.

Very true. On the other hand, being isolated can stop someone from getting closure, and deny someone of the chance to die feeling cared about, both of which can cause someone delay their suicide. But, I guess it really depends on the person and individual circumstance.

 

[Radaghast94]

I find hope the saddest emotion of them all at this point. Remembering the past and being happy once upon a time, that kills me to remember even though it was so long ago. I always hope to return there someday, although I know that such hope is irrational and causes further suffering. Hope is just a nuisance when things have gone on for so long. I wish I could erase all my good memories entirely because they keep me alive even though those memories are dead.

 

[Anarchy]

I find hope the saddest emotion of them all at this point. Remembering the past and being happy once upon a time, that kills me to remember even though it was so long ago. I always hope to return there someday, although I know that such hope is irrational and causes further suffering. Hope is just a nuisance when things have gone on for so long. I wish I could erase all my good memories entirely because they keep me alive even though those memories are dead.

Hope and nostalgia, and indecisiveness are the worst.
I'm so indecisive that I keep changing my plan and time - one moment it's the next day with three methods...the next it's in a few years with one method, or not at all.
If only logic would prevail for this decision.

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

Very true. On the other hand, being isolated can stop someone from getting closure, and deny someone of the chance to die feeling cared about, both of which can cause someone delay their suicide. But, I guess it really depends on the person and individual circumstance.

I guess so. I guess what I am saying is that people will not allow closure to your decision specifically. And thus trying to get that will lead to further hurt as people freak out, get you committed, etc. isolation is inevitable. So sure, you can do things to enjoy your time with others knowing it will end, but most people who die this way will have to do it alone; there will likely be no loving hand next to you when you go. To expect anything else is unrealistic, even if it is natural and human.

But how each person seeks closure is different I suppose, to each his/her own.

 

[Radaghast94]

Hope and nostalgia, and indecisiveness are the worst.
I'm so indecisive that I keep changing my plan and time - one moment it's the next day with three methods...the next it's in a few years with one method, or not at all.
If only logic would prevail for this decision.

Ye there's often no rhyme or reason to it. Nostalgia is hard and at this stage I can no longer look at happy things. Its like staring at the sun, happy movies, happy stories and happy people remind me of everything i'm missing out on. Everything I've lost. I'd rather learn about suicide, death and self destruction because at least I can relate to it.

 

[Anarchy]

I guess so. I guess what I am saying is that people will not allow closure to your decision specifically. And thus trying to get that will lead to further hurt as people freak out, get you committed, etc. isolation is inevitable. So sure, you can do things to enjoy your time with others knowing it will end, but most people who die this way will have to do it alone; there will be no loving hand next to you when you go. To expect anything else is unrealistic, even if it is natural and human.

But how each person seeks closure is different I suppose, to each his/her own.

Sometimes closure is more to do with the past and what the person did wrong to make them isolated, so then it's more a case of circumstances not allowing closure.
But yeah, closure is pretty much impossible.
Everyone's looking for closure, either for isolation or peace of mind about method or whatnot, and if they weren't they'd be dead already.
It sucks that closure can't be logically overridden.

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

Sometimes closure is more to do with the past and what the person did wrong to make them isolated, so then it's more a case of circumstances not allowing closure.
But yeah, closure is pretty much impossible.
Everyone's looking for closure, either for isolation or peace of mind about method or whatnot, and if they weren't they'd be dead already.
It sucks that closure can't be logically overridden.

Yes. If only there was an off switch to emotions. I would be long gone months ago.

 

[Anarchy]

Ye there's often no rhyme or reason to it. Nostalgia is hard and at this stage I can no longer look at happy things. Its like staring at the sun, happy movies, happy stories and happy people remind me of everything i'm missing out on. Everything I've lost. I'd rather learn about suicide, death and self destruction because at least I can relate to it.

The only way I can cope distract myself from the past is to live as a life based around around suicide.

 

[Anarchy]

Yes. If only there was an off switch to emotions. I would be long gone months ago.

I'd use the on/off switch to put myself in a fatal position, but I'd want to turn it back on the dying process. After all, you only die once.